Woulld you expect ex partner to have a school uniform?

FBaby

Such a pity that you didn't post before considering mentioning it to your ex. That's the problem, if someone else had posted your message, you probably would have written the same advice. The problem is you get caught up in the frustration that comes with an ex who doesn't provide much financially (and the rest) and you then end up throwing it back in ways that only leads to more hostility and in the end accomplish nothing.

You will now have an ex with an even bigger ax to ground, on a mission to make your life more difficult. It just isn't worth it. It might feel unfair, but look at it this way, who's got more to lose from bringing up such matters... your child and then you.

iammumtoone

FBaby wrote: »

Such a pity that you didn't post before considering mentioning it to your ex. That's the problem, if someone else had posted your message, you probably would have written the same advice. The problem is you get caught up in the frustration that comes with an ex who doesn't provide much financially (and the rest) and you then end up throwing it back in ways that only leads to more hostility and in the end accomplish nothing.

You will now have an ex with an even bigger ax to ground, on a mission to make your life more difficult. It just isn't worth it. It might feel unfair, but look at it this way, who's got more to lose from bringing up such matters... your child and then you.

Your are right. After seeing this thread and the thoughts of others I now see son taking his clothes with him at the weekends differently. I will still be insisting that ex buys swim wear though as he always decides at the last minute and turns up at my house asking for it :mad: he can either give me notice on the Friday that it is needed or get his own.

EDIT: After typing the above that does seem silly I will buy an extra pair of swim shorts and goggles to leave at his (as it will make my life easier). It is hard when there is animosity between you especially if ex is not paying the amount they should (therefore you feel they should be able to buy clothes with the extra that really should be paid in maintenance). However I can now see from what others have pointed out that it is a bit petty, especially as it seems to be the norm that children do take clothes. Everyone is not perfect and learns along the way.

From the point of view that I don't think it makes his house feel like a home for our son, I suppose that is up to my son to decide. When he gets older I wonder if he will ever feel that it would have been nice for his dad to keep clothes there, probably not I suspect children/teenagers view it differently

aliasojo

duchy wrote: »

If childcare is not a concern (for this particular child)-why mention it at all ? Doesn't make sense unless the OP has childcare concerns of some kind . What context are you seeing alisojo ?

aliasojo wrote: »

She wrote ....'Personally if I had no childcare worries I would be at work full time supporting my child instead on playing on the XBOX. But his lifestyle is not up to me. '......

You've taken one part out of context and made it seem like the OP was concerned about childcare.

I'm not sure how else to get my point over. What I was trying to say was that she wrote 'if I had no childcare issues (i.e. if I was him - the Dad who has no childcare issues) then I'd be working instead of playing xbox.

She was having a dig at the Dad being lazy and playing xbox instead of working to provide more for their son. She wasn't saying anything about her own childcare thoughts.

FBaby

From the point of view that I don't think it makes his house feel like a home for our son, I suppose that is up to my son to decide. When he gets older I wonder if he will ever feel that it would have been nice for his dad to keep clothes there, probably not I suspect children/teenagers view it differently

My kids take their bag with clothes and the rest every week-end to their dad and that doesn't seem to be an issue with them. My parents were divorced when I was a young child and I just cannot remember what I did, I'm pretty certain I must have taken clothes too, so clearly it didn't have much of an impact on me either.

My ex gets the kids clothes at Christmas. They come back home with it. After all it is for them and with kids growing so quickly, it seems such a waste to buy nice clothes that they will only wear a limited amount of time because of issues around where clothes should reside...

bright_side

I brought my children up alone for 11 years with no maintenance whatsoever. I'm surprised my tongue didn't fall off with all the years of having to 'bite it'. At the end of the day my main concern was that the children continued to have regular contact with their Dad, so I had to put all my feelings aside. It wasn't easy by any means. Now they are older they barely see him by their own choice. Kids always see people for what they are in the end. As long as your ex is treating your son well, that's all that really matters xx

Prothet_of_Doom

What does your 13 year old think? I suggest that you have a mock small claims court, with him as Judge, and each parent act as claimant and counter claimant. Perhaps a friend of each could act as solicitor.
Run it like a court. Be civil, take turns, let your son make the final decision, without any emotional black mail. Brilliant Learning exercise for you all.
I wonder what he really thinks ?

duchy

aliasojo wrote: »

I'm not sure how else to get my point over. What I was trying to say was that she wrote 'if I had no childcare issues (i.e. if I was him - the Dad who has no childcare issues) then I'd be working instead of playing xbox.

She was having a dig at the Dad being lazy and playing xbox instead of working to provide more for their son. She wasn't saying anything about her own childcare thoughts.

She also didn't mention cheese sandwiches, holidays or owning a pet elephant -presumably because the parents do n't have issues or resentments about any of these (as far as we know )

This is a young man of thirteen and the subtext is that Mum still harbours resentments pertaining to childcare (possibly having to have to pay for it due to low child support) in the past. Yes there's obviously a lot of resentment - and I'm really glad the OP realized how petty a passive aggressive stance regarding swimwear was.
OP your son is old enough to see petty acts as just that. Let go a bit and don't try and change your ex (If you haven't managed by now you never will) and don't waste energy and emotion on the small stuff- use that energy on positive stuff for you and your son instead. Look forward not back (and yes I know it's hard to do-took me a long time too )

Bottom line is you have your son and your ex has his XBOX -you have the better deal !! You can afford to let the small stuff fly over your head. Your son will as he matures work out who has had the right priorities in life

aliasojo

duchy wrote: »

She also didn't mention cheese sandwiches, holidays or owning a pet elephant -presumably because the parents do n't have issues or resentments about any of these (as far as we know )

This is a young man of thirteen and the subtext is that Mum still harbours resentments pertaining to childcare ...

I struggle to understand your interpretation of what was actually said so we shall have to agree to disagree then.

Dumbe

I'm sorry but I would disagree with most of the other posters.

Maintenance is reduced based on the number of nights the Child spends at the nrp's.

Therefore the Nrp should provide everything needed during that time e.g toys, clothes, food, school uniform etc.. That normally means two sets of clothes two sets of bikes, xboxes etc..

Whatever the father has bought should be returned at next visitation , so the uniform should go back the next time ironed etc.. Like wise anything that the child is wearing when visiting the Nrp must be return clean at the first opportunity

(or a the very least returned next time dirty for the parent who bought it) .

But if you haven't done this from the beginning I am not sure how you would change now as you have created an expectation that you will provide stuff for when your child is at his other home, changing may cause too much animosity.

Does your son have nothing at his other home? How is it his home then? Surely if he goes swimming wants to ride a bike with friends those things should be provided by the parent in whose home he is residing in for that day.

Effectively your son has two homes and it's not right if the other parent provides nothing for his child at that child's home.

If you have your child for 4 out of seven nights you should provide for everything for that time, the parent with 3 days should provide everything for those 3 days or why would the maintenance be reduced based on nights ( food is a small proportion of what a child costs overall)

iammumtoone

Dumbe wrote: »

I'm sorry but I would disagree with most of the other posters.

Maintenance is reduced based on the number of nights the Child spends at the nrp's.

Therefore the Nrp should provide everything needed during that time e.g toys, clothes, food, school uniform etc.. That normally means two sets of clothes two sets of bikes, xboxes etc..

Whatever the father has bought should be returned at next visitation , so the uniform should go back the next time ironed etc.. Like wise anything that the child is wearing when visiting the Nrp must be return clean at the first opportunity

(or a the very least returned next time dirty for the parent who bought it) .

But if you haven't done this from the beginning I am not sure how you would change now as you have created an expectation that you will provide stuff for when your child is at his other home, changing may cause too much animosity.

Does your son have nothing at his other home? How is it his home then? Surely if he goes swimming wants to ride a bike with friends those things should be provided by the parent in whose home he is residing in for that day.

Effectively your son has two homes and it's not right if the other parent provides nothing for his child at that child's home.

If you have your child for 4 out of seven nights you should provide for everything for that time, the parent with 3 days should provide everything for those 3 days or why would the maintenance be reduced based on nights ( food is a small proportion of what a child costs overall)

that is a very valid point.

Rather that hijack this thread I have started a another http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/newreply.php?do=newreply&p=63179176 if anyone wishes to comment on that as well please feel free.

As I said before I am going to stop getting so annoyed over the clothes issue but I still find it interesting to hear what others set ups are.