Smoking guest - WWYD?

adouglasmhor

j.e.j. wrote: »

Yes, you're right, he was sent out to the porch. He probably likened it to being sent to the naughty step and got affronted.

Well he should grow up then, they were right to be affronted. TBH he should have asked before sparking up.

RazWaz

I'm having a similar problem at the moment. My boyfriend lives at home with his mother and brother as they are both disabled and need his help.

As I've been with my boyfriend 5 years, his mother has finally accepted that the age difference doesn't mean our relationship is a silly fling that will burn out, and has been making an effort to get to know me. She invites me round to dinner around once a month and I always go and enjoy spending time there.

His brother (A from now on) Smokes heavily. He often comes round to my house as we play the same video game and it's fun to play together, I explained to him that I have quite bad asthma and start coughing and choking around smoke. He was fine with this and always goes out to smoke.

When I'm round at their house, he refuses to go outside and I've had to leave early a couple of times because I had an asthma attack. I sort of see his point, his house his rules...But it's a bit more complicated than that.

My boyfriend spends a lot of time at my house, but he can't afford to take care of bills here, and at his mothers house (he is the only one working - the brother claims no benefits). So I'm basically subsidizing A's living costs by allowing my boyfriend to not contribute here.

Am I totally in the wrong expecting him to go outside?

LeeSouthEast

As a smoker, I'd have ripped it from his mouth and stubbed it out in his eye.

No one smokes in my house. Not even me! And if I have to stand outside and freeze my nuts off, then so do any guests!

fabforty

RazWaz wrote: »

I'm having a similar problem at the moment. My boyfriend lives at home with his mother and brother as they are both disabled and need his help.

As I've been with my boyfriend 5 years, his mother has finally accepted that the age difference doesn't mean our relationship is a silly fling that will burn out, and has been making an effort to get to know me. She invites me round to dinner around once a month and I always go and enjoy spending time there.

His brother (A from now on) Smokes heavily. He often comes round to my house as we play the same video game and it's fun to play together, I explained to him that I have quite bad asthma and start coughing and choking around smoke. He was fine with this and always goes out to smoke.

When I'm round at their house, he refuses to go outside and I've had to leave early a couple of times because I had an asthma attack. I sort of see his point, his house his rules...But it's a bit more complicated than that.

My boyfriend spends a lot of time at my house, but he can't afford to take care of bills here, and at his mothers house (he is the only one working - the brother claims no benefits). So I'm basically subsidizing A's living costs by allowing my boyfriend to not contribute here.

Am I totally in the wrong expecting him to go outside?

That is a totally different scenario, and 'yes' you are completely wrong to expect him to go outside in his own house. You are not subsidising him. Your boyfriend does not live with you, so no reason for him to pay bills at your house.

If you feel that because he spends a lot of time there he should be contributing financially, that is a conversation for you to have with him - you cannot blame someone else for what you are 'allowing' your boyfriend to do. His brothers finances should not come into it.
If it is detrimental to your health, then don't go there! You have already said that your partner spends a lot of time at your house, so it's not as if you have to go to his brothers house to see him.

RazWaz

fabforty wrote: »

That is a totally different scenario, and 'yes' you are completely wrong to expect him to go outside in his own house. You are not subsidising him. Your boyfriend does not live with you, so no reason for him to pay bills at your house.

If you feel that because he spends a lot of time there he should be contributing financially, that is a conversation for you to have with him - you cannot blame someone else for what you are 'allowing' your boyfriend to do. His brothers finances should not come into it.
If it is detrimental to your health, then don't go there! You have already said that your partner spends a lot of time at your house, so it's not as if you have to go to his brothers house to see him.

It's not his brothers house. It's my boyfriends house and his mother and brother live there with them. His mother is too sick to travel so the only way I can spend time with her is to visit there. The only reason my boyfriend has not moved in with me is because they would be made homeless without him.

Blackpool_Saver

I think I would have snatched it from his hand and thrown it out

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

sulkisu wrote: »

A situation arose today that I have never encountered before, and I just wondered what others would do in this position.

OH and I were invited to a lunch party at a colleagues house. There were probably about 35 people there and it was a buffet type do, with guests milling around inside and in the garden (until the rain started and we all ended up inside).

One guest, a relative of the hosts I think, lit up a cigarette and started smoking in the house. The husband went over and asked him to go out onto the porch as they did not allow smoking in the house. The guests response was a firm 'no'. He said something along the lines of 'I have been smoking x a day for y years, you knew I was a smoker when you invited me and if you didn't want me smoking in your house, you shouldn't have invited me or you should have told me in advance that smoking was banned - I might have stayed at home'. The wife then said 'that's not very polite', and he replied ' expecting guests to stand outside is not very polite either'. He calmly finished his cigarette. We all just stood there open mouthed. He wasn't rude and he didn't raise his voice, he just refused to stop smoking or go outside. I think the couple were caught off guard and didn't know how to react.

It got me thinking. I don't allow smoking in the house and I don't necessarily warn people in advance - I'm not sure if anyone does - although I will after today.

My gut reaction in their shoes would have been to move him with my foot, but thinking about it on the way home, perhaps there was a kind of twisted logic in what he said .

I just wondered what others would do in their shoes.

Pick the guest up by the scruff of the neck and eject them from the premises.


Said as a smoker. Who does allow smoking downstairs, but not upstairs (and the Fella gets special dispensation to smoke in the bath, cos I'm nice like that :A ) - and if there is somebody there who doesn't smoke, everybody gets herded outside to smoke in the garden.

CH27

RazWaz wrote: »

I'm having a similar problem at the moment. My boyfriend lives at home with his mother and brother as they are both disabled and need his help.

As I've been with my boyfriend 5 years, his mother has finally accepted that the age difference doesn't mean our relationship is a silly fling that will burn out, and has been making an effort to get to know me. She invites me round to dinner around once a month and I always go and enjoy spending time there.

His brother (A from now on) Smokes heavily. He often comes round to my house as we play the same video game and it's fun to play together, I explained to him that I have quite bad asthma and start coughing and choking around smoke. He was fine with this and always goes out to smoke.

When I'm round at their house, he refuses to go outside and I've had to leave early a couple of times because I had an asthma attack. I sort of see his point, his house his rules...But it's a bit more complicated than that.

My boyfriend spends a lot of time at my house, but he can't afford to take care of bills here, and at his mothers house (he is the only one working - the brother claims no benefits). So I'm basically subsidizing A's living costs by allowing my boyfriend to not contribute here.

Am I totally in the wrong expecting him to go outside?

Yes because it's his home.

pollypenny

Times have changed and few people smoke now. However, even years ago those with manners would ask if anyone minded them smoking.

The guy was exceptionally rude.

sassyblue

RazWaz wrote: »

When I'm round at their house, he refuses to go outside and I've had to leave early a couple of times because I had an asthma attack. I sort of see his point, his house his rules...But it's a bit more complicated than that.

My boyfriend spends a lot of time at my house, but he can't afford to take care of bills here, and at his mothers house (he is the only one working - the brother claims no benefits). So I'm basically subsidizing A's living costs by allowing my boyfriend to not contribute here.

Am I totally in the wrong expecting him to go outside?

Yes you're wrong. It's where he lives and your boyfriend obviously allows him to smoke in the house anyway. It's a shame that there's probably no other way to get to know your boyfriends mum other than to go there but l wouldn't dream of telling people how to live in their homes.

I can't see where you're subsidising that house in any way.