Smoking guest - WWYD?

mazza111

As a smoker, I find that totally shocking. I would never light up in anyone's home. I would ask if there was somewhere I could go to smoke. But never expect to smoke in someone's home.

Mojisola

RazWaz wrote: »

I'm having a similar problem at the moment. My boyfriend lives at home with his mother and brother as they are both disabled and need his help.

As I've been with my boyfriend 5 years, his mother has finally accepted that the age difference doesn't mean our relationship is a silly fling that will burn out, and has been making an effort to get to know me. She invites me round to dinner around once a month and I always go and enjoy spending time there.

His brother (A from now on) Smokes heavily. He often comes round to my house as we play the same video game and it's fun to play together, I explained to him that I have quite bad asthma and start coughing and choking around smoke. He was fine with this and always goes out to smoke.

When I'm round at their house, he refuses to go outside and I've had to leave early a couple of times because I had an asthma attack. I sort of see his point, his house his rules...But it's a bit more complicated than that.

My boyfriend spends a lot of time at my house, but he can't afford to take care of bills here, and at his mothers house (he is the only one working - the brother claims no benefits). So I'm basically subsidizing A's living costs by allowing my boyfriend to not contribute here.

If they are both disabled, are they claiming all the benefits they are entitled to? If not, why not?

They could ask about getting help with housing - your BF isn't going to pay for them for the whole of the rest of their lives, is he? How will he manage to have his own family if he is paying for his mother and brother?

fabforty

RazWaz wrote: »

It's not his brothers house. It's my boyfriends house and his mother and brother live there with them. His mother is too sick to travel so the only way I can spend time with her is to visit there. The only reason my boyfriend has not moved in with me is because they would be made homeless without him.

If it is your boyfriend's house, then he should be the one to ask his brother not to smoke when you are there - especially if your visits are infrequent and done so that you can spend time with his mother. If he has not or will not do this, have you asked him why? Either way, the issue is still between you and him and not you and his brother.

If he is maintaining his own home, surely that's all the more reason for you not to expect him to pay bills at yours.

seven-day-weekend

I have a couple of friends who love smoking and have no qualms about smoking in every room of their own homes. But they ALWAYS go outside to smoke when they are at my house. They don't even ask, they just do it. It's just good manners.

I'd have told the guy to please leave my house and only come back when he is ready to apologise.

seven-day-weekend

MrSmartprice wrote: »

When I was growing up, my parents didn't smoke, but in those days people who visited the house would light up without ever asking. It was just assumed that they could smoke everywhere. It was disgusting, because not only did the house stink while the visitors were there, you could smell it for days afterwards. It took them into the 70s to have a change of attitude and expect people to go outside.

Since buying my first house, nobody has ever been allowed to smoke indoors. It is not a problem these days as we don't socialise with any smokers at all. When a smoker enters your house, even if they don't light up, they leave a smell behind them that lingers in their clothes and hair. Basically, smokers stink, and so do their houses.

I am quite amazed at the behaviour of the person mentioned in the OP. Surely nobody can think that is acceptable behaviour in 2013! I would have thrown him out on the spot, by whatever means.

When my next-door neighbour visits, he lives a smell behind that lasts until the following day, even though he has not smoked in my house.

duchy

You and he have decided not to live together so your bills are your bills and his are his ...... who he chooses to have live in his house and how they share the bills is absolutely none of your concern -and to claim his brother is "subsidised " is the height of rudeness on your part. Not your home none of your business. What IS your business however is if your boyfriend is living at your place in all but name and isn't contributing to your household .If you feel he should be contributing then talk to him.

As for getting to know his mother .....can you not spend time with her when the brother is out....he's disabled not a hermit after all and apparently socialises at your flat so probably goes other places too.

For a visitor to demand someone doesn't smoke in their own home is rude -and it is his home -whoevers name is on the rent book or mortgage is irrelevant. If they choose to be considerate -then that is nice but if they don't...they don't.

It does sound like the family don't take your relationship particually seriously though- they don't care if the enviroment is uncomfortable to you, the mother has only just bothered to get to know you after five years (but only once a month) and your BF is happy to eat your food, use your hot water for free. Where do you see this relationship going in the future ?

southoftheriver

Cheeky !!!!!!!! I'd have wanted him out of my house ASAP!

fifidfw

I'm a smoker myself and I don't smoke in my own home, I always smoke outside in the rain and snow. All guests who come to my house know that I don't allow smoking in my house. Even if I go to my friends house who is also a smoker, I still go into the garden but that's just me and what im used to.

Even if the host knew his guest smoked, the guest should've asked either way out of politeness rather than just spark up.

Fifi xx

timbo58

I think they guy must have been spoiling for a fight/argument frankly.
It's no excuse to use the fact the inviter knew he smoked, what if he'd invited a drunk: would it be ok to be !!!!ed as a c**t within 5 minutes or if he'd invited a racist for the bloke to start abusing anyone/everyone in earshot: what a sh*t excuse for crap manners and sheer bloody mindedness.

sharnad

I would have told him to leave