Does every family have one?

marisco_2

Is your teenage son of an age whereby he could be left at home whilst yourself and your husband attend this family event? You could just say to your relatives that he was busy doing something with friends that had been arranged a while back. By taking that approach you don't rock the boat with everyone else and your son avoids having to be around someone who he dislikes.

My brother in law is very much like the relative that you describe. He thinks he is smart, funny and that he aces super witty one liners. The rest of us see him as a complete arrogant !!!!!! and tolerate him a couple of times a year for my sisters sake. Retaliating with a put down line would not be a smart move. Your relative would most likely see it as a challenge of which one of you could outwit the other, and this could backfire in spectacular fashion. You wont ever change or improve this individual. All you can do is adjust how you react to him and control how much you allow his social inadequacies to affect you.

LEJC

poet123 wrote: »

Nor does it sound as if her son is the only one being targeted.

Rather than doing as you suggest I would encourage the lad to ignore it or make a comment himself and then his parents can make a comment in his defence along the lines of " if you can't take banter don't give it out".

Harry isn't the only person to receive such comments...but my feeling is very much that he doesnt know how best to deal with them.

securityguy

poet123 wrote: »

And how do men get to that stage if at 15 they are told that they must not be allowed to endure banter?

Why should he? An adult has many more options. They can leave. They can not go. They have the benefit of being an adult in framing a response. They can, if that's their thing, hit him. A teenager has none of those options, or won't feel that they do. They've asked their parents for help. Their parents are saying, in effect, that it's not their problem.

I would be fully in agreement if the person was making derogatory personal comment about for example; Acne, sexuality, big nose, weight etc, but that doesn't appear to be the case. Nor does it sound as if her son is the only one being targeted.

Oh, so that's all OK then. So long as you're rude to several people, you're fine.

Rather than doing as you suggest I would encourage the lad to ignore it or make a comment himself and then his parents can make a comment in his defence along the lines of " if you can't take banter don't give it out".

Yes, because it sounds like an absolutely fair contest: an older adult with the family, including the victim's father, thinking the sun shines out of his !!!!, versus a nervous fifteen year old whose parents won't lift a finger to help him. Charming. The OP has already said she's frightened of her husband's family, and isn't brave enough to say anything: why should her fifteen year old son do what his mother won't?

LEJC

Thank you marisco...you describe him perfectly!

poet123

I know where you are coming from because my youngest son is 16 and very quiet and shy and he would be very much like your son in his reactions. I would ask him to tough it out if it was just banter (absolutely not if it went over the line into personal comment though) and I think he would be better for it, it is a life lesson imo.

However, if it did cross the line, I would not care who I offended and I would tell the chap firmly that he was out of order. Only you know which category his behaviour falls into.

securityguy

LEJC wrote: »

Sorry...where have I said that my husband is forcing our son to go? ...that is NOT nor never been the case....if anything I have written here gives that impression then my words have certainly been mis read

How were we expected to read your original post as anything other that saying he would forced to go:

Its now got to the point of son refusing to go at the weekend,me understanding the situation and OH saying we have to go to keep the peace with the other relations.

LEJC

securityguy wrote: »

A teenager has none of those options, or won't feel that they do. They've asked their parents for help. Their parents are saying, in effect, that it's not their problem.



.
The OP has already said she's frightened of her husband's family, and isn't brave enough to say anything:

As a parent I have not in effect said its not my problem

and neither have I said I am "frightened "of my husbands family.

You are simply over cooking this

poet123

securityguy wrote: »

Why should he? An adult has many more options. They can leave. They can not go. They have the benefit of being an adult in framing a response. They can, if that's their thing, hit him. A teenager has none of those options, or won't feel that they do. They've asked their parents for help. Their parents are saying, in effect, that it's not their problem.

He is 15, in a few months he will be old enough to do all kinds of things. As a teenager he can ignore the comments, that option is open to all.

securityguy wrote: »

Oh, so that's all OK then. So long as you're rude to several people, you're fine.

People being rude is something we all have to learn to cope with. He will have his parents there and if he goes too far I am sure they would step in.

securityguy wrote: »

Yes, because it sounds like an absolutely fair contest: an older adult with the family, including the victim's father, thinking the sun shines out of his !!!!, versus a nervous fifteen year old whose parents won't lift a finger to help him. Charming. The OP has already said she's frightened of her husband's family, and isn't brave enough to say anything: why should her fifteen year old son do what his mother won't?

We are talking about his name being changed in jest, and his sprouting moustache being commented on, not threats, bullying or personal comments. Your post would be reasonable if any of that was happening, as it is you seem to have lost perspective. I do agree that both parents need to monitor the situation and be prepared to step in if needed regardless of who they offend.

Person_one

Has anyone ever just said, right in the middle of his unfunny 'banter' "Bob, stop being a d!ck, its getting annoying"?

securityguy

LEJC wrote: »

As a parent I have not in effect said its not my problem

So what are you proposing to do for your son? Not for your mother in law, not for this bloke, but for your son? You've talked quite a bit about all the people you don't want to offend.

and neither have I said I am "frightened "of my husbands family.

So when you said

It would take a braver person than me to make a suggestion that their son/brother was anything other than the "family joker"

what did you mean?

The solution's simple. Either he stays at home, or you all stay at home. If asked, you say why. Easy. Everything else is just froth. If that upset your husband's family, let them be upset.