Does every family have one?

thorsoak

LEJC wrote: »

sorry...just quickly...before I read all the other posts,Harry is 15 so yes he's old enough to be left at home,and old enough to defend himself against relation...however relation still possibly sees him as a much younger child and seemingly still sees it as acceptable to belittle him.

Having spoken to Harry over tea this evening he has resonably explained that this is a man who is an elder in the family and as such he feels he should look up to him but the way that he's being treated has meant that hes lost all respect for the man.
He's also aware that in saying something to him in direct response to the comments is likely to cause offence and possibly bad feeling from other members of the family who think that for want of a better term...the sun shines out of the ........of this chap!

I dont want to cause family friction but neither do I want Harry to have to endure a day in the prescence of...I would quite easily rock up on saturday and say the reason he's not there is because he cant stand the comments made by him but in doing that I am also aware that I would be upsetting my mother in law and my husbands grandmother deeply.

Could you possibly speak to MIL and grandmother prior to the "Do" and explain why Harry won't be there???

JanCee

Just let your son duck out of the event. He is old enough to make that decision for himself. No need to explain yourselves to anyone.

poet123

If you don't want to ignore it then I would ring my MIL and tell her the situation. See what she says, whom she backs (I am assuming here that the way he is being "treated" is more than banter, and that he is being singled out for this treatment) if he is one of many and the others ignore it or laugh it off then it is likely she may say he is super sensitive and really she may have a point.

Your son doesn't have to respect this man, you can tell him that, if the man is an idiot then it is other people who are blinkered not your son, he has seen him for what he is.

tyllwyd

I feel really sorry for your son - if he goes, this person makes him miserable, if he stays at home, he's in trouble for missing a family event, if he answers back, he'll be in trouble for being rude.

I think you should let him stay away. It's not his fault that the adults in his family have let this relative get away with being insensitive and rude to him thoughout his childhood, and if he doesn't want to have a confrontation with that person because it will upset the rest of his family, how else is he going to deal with it?

[and yes, we have someone in our family who makes jokes and comments, some of which overstep the mark and it still makes me wince and takes me instantly back to being a moody teenager again]

LEJC

securityguy wrote: »

So your OH puts peace with other relations ahead of the interests of their own son? What a nice person they are.

Relatives who behave obnoxiously shouldn't be pandered to. Ask yourself if you'd put up with it from a friend or a colleague. No? Then don't put up with it from a relative, either. Your son should, where appropriate, tell him to !!!! off. Banter, directed at children and young relatives, is a particularly nasty form of bullying. The young person probably doesn't have the experience or ability to respond in kind, the self-confidence to shrug it off or the nerve to walk away, and always at the back of their mind has the "will I get told off for being rude to adults" problem. It's the same way that bullying school teachers can get away with speaking to pupils in a way that would get them a punch in the face in other contexts.

If you son doesn't want to go, he shouldn't go. Your responsibility is to him, not your relatives, and if they are making him feel unwelcome he shouldn't be dragged along like a performing monkey. Either speak to the relative and say that he is to stay away from your son, or remonstrate with him at the event, or don't go. Tell your son what you intend to do in order to make him happy and safe.

I agree with what you say and your second paragraph is particularly helpful...however I do disagree with your assumption of my husband
He is a very nice person...and I can assure you both of us support our son without a doubt.

My personal interpretation is that this guy has always been able to say what he likes to whom he likes and get away with it...my husbands family seem to put up with it....I'm not comfortable with it and on the occaisions I've said something eyes have been rooled at me and I'm now probably in the situation that this relation now looks through me at family gatherings....It doesnt bother me because I see him for the person he is and ultimately hes not my blood relation so I do have an air of ignorance back towards him...but I do also appreciate that my husband will have a different view than me ....hes been bought up with the guy and for all I know treated the same way as a youngster by him too.
There is a definate acceptance of this relation by those close to him...or at least if not an acceptance they have developed an immunity to him...I guess Harry and I dont possess that level of tolerance!

My husband has challenged him regarding remarks that have been made in the past but clearly the words fall on deaf ears...again I dont think there is any love lost between my husband and this man.

LEJC

thorsoak wrote: »

Could you possibly speak to MIL and grandmother prior to the "Do" and explain why Harry won't be there???

No...neither of then see what he does as being wrong and if I were to highlight it to them the whole situation would be my doing.
It would take a braver person than me to make a suggestion that their son/brother was anything other than the "family joker"...however in my mind whilst I understand he's from a different generation to me and humour/political correctness has changed over the years I do firmly belive that some of his comments are not"old school" but deeply offensive to those he chooses to pick upon.

At 15 I can see that Harrys not a child,neither is he an adult and its probably not the time in his life to be challenging an elder in the family....his family.

securityguy

I'm sorry, OP, but I think you need to think through "both of us support our son without a doubt" and work out what that entails.

What you're describing is a situation where your son is going to be bullied. It may not be the intention, but any school bullying policy will say, rightly, that it is for the victim to decide that it is bullying, not the aggressor. Your son has had the courage to tell you, and you are now engaging in victim blaming (maybe he's not got the right responses?) and perpetrator defending (oh, the family put up with him, different generation, father has respect for him).

Your mother-in-law and her mother (or whatever, I've slightly lost track) either know that the bullying is happening and don't care, or don't know but you don't think will care. The perpetrator will carry on even if he is spoken to. You're not prepared to support your son by speaking to any of them. Your husband isn't willing to do anything, and appears to want to force his son to go to the event where he will be bullied. You're not willing to simply pull your son out of the situation. You've said you're not brave enough to confront anyone.

So how are you supporting your son? You won't do much, if anything, to actually support him, and the feelings of various of your husband's family seem to come much higher up your priorities. Sure, if your position is "our son is less important than my husband's relatives" then fine, but don't try to tell yourselves that you are "support(ing) our son without a doubt" unless you're going to support him. Next time your son's upset, he'll know not to bother telling his parents, because they won't help.

If you son simply tells him to !!!! off, or hits him, or walks out of the room and doesn't come back, or loudly tells everyone that he is upset and doesn't see why he has to out up by being bullied, what will happen? Because it sounds like neither you nor your husband will back him up. Your husband needs to man up and protect his son, and stop pandering to his peculiar relatives. If that means upsetting his mother, then that's what men do: they look after their children.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

LEJC wrote: »

No...neither of then see what he does as being wrong and if I were to highlight it to them the whole situation would be my doing.
It would take a braver person than me to make a suggestion that their son/brother was anything other than the "family joker"...however in my mind whilst I understand he's from a different generation to me and humour/political correctness has changed over the years I do firmly belive that some of his comments are not"old school" but deeply offensive to those he chooses to pick upon.

At 15 I can see that Harrys not a child,neither is he an adult and its probably not the time in his life to be challenging an elder in the family....his family.

Well, that's fine - you can say 'Harry is of a different generation to you and your 'jokes' are lost on him so he has decided to stay home today and do some maths homework'.

By the way - is your husband aware that in forcing him to go he is actually complicit in bullying his own son?

poet123

securityguy wrote: »

Your husband needs to man up and protect his son, and stop pandering to his peculiar relatives. If that means upsetting his mother, then that's what men do: they look after their children.

And how do men get to that stage if at 15 they are told that they must not be allowed to endure banter?

I would be fully in agreement if the person was making derogatory personal comment about for example; Acne, sexuality, big nose, weight etc, but that doesn't appear to be the case. Nor does it sound as if her son is the only one being targeted.

Rather than doing as you suggest I would encourage the lad to ignore it or make a comment himself and then his parents can make a comment in his defence along the lines of " if you can't take banter don't give it out".

LEJC

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

By the way - is your husband aware that in forcing him to go he is actually complicit in bullying his own son?

Sorry...where have I said that my husband is forcing our son to go? ...that is NOT nor never been the case....if anything I have written here gives that impression then my words have certainly been mis read