Feeling fed up and resentful

sacha28

I agree duchy, 100%, PND is awful. I was lucky enough not to suffer with PND but have had severe depression in the past. I was also diagnosed with a mental illness but through all of that I would never have started such disgusting lies and try to ruin someone else's life. My OH felt like he was fighting for his life most of the time following their break-up, he didn't have a shred of dignity left.

She also didn't tell him she was pregnant until she was nearly 5 months gone and had started to show. Around the time she fell pregnant she had asked him to go back home and be a family again (I think her words were 'imagine how amazing it would be to put our little girl to bed every night'). I have my own theories on that but have never voiced them as it's not my place!!

duchy

sacha28 wrote: »

I agree duchy, 100%, PND is awful. I was lucky enough not to suffer with PND but have had severe depression in the past. I was also diagnosed with a mental illness but through all of that I would never have started such disgusting lies and try to ruin someone else's life. My OH felt like he was fighting for his life most of the time following their break-up, he didn't have a shred of dignity left.

I honestly don't think you can say how one individual will react when mental illness hits.......or say you know you wouldn't do X or Y or worse -in their shoes though. There's too many documented cases of perfectly rational people doing horrifyingly irrational things when affected.

Moving on -I think we all like to think grandparents will be a part of a child's life and want to help rather than odd visits on their terms but some people simply have no desire to-My mother in law was one of those -no interest in helping whatsoever -and she only lived 5 minutes walk away. I only once called on her in an emergency .....and she informed me she'd babysit but would in no circumstances change a nappy !!!! Thankfully my own parents were the complete opposite -Bit of a pity they died when my son was small -and she's still going strong and wouldn't recognise my son if she passed him in the street its so long since she's seen him...but hey-Her loss !

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

sacha28 wrote: »

I agree duchy, 100%, PND is awful. I was lucky enough not to suffer with PND but have had severe depression in the past. I was also diagnosed with a mental illness but through all of that I would never have started such disgusting lies and try to ruin someone else's life. My OH felt like he was fighting for his life most of the time following their break-up, he didn't have a shred of dignity left.

She also didn't tell him she was pregnant until she was nearly 5 months gone and had started to show. Around the time she fell pregnant she had asked him to go back home and be a family again (I think her words were 'imagine how amazing it would be to put our little girl to bed every night'). I have my own theories on that but have never voiced them as it's not my place!!

That's where it could have been crossing over from PND to puerperal psychosis. Or she could indeed just be spiteful and vindictive.

sacha28

It is absolutely their loss! Our boy is amazing, has a wonderful sense of humour, is clever and his personality is the best bits of me and his dad I have plenty of time to see if the worst bits develop ha ha!

I guess I was surprised by their lack of interest as they showed such an interest during the pregnancy and I so wanted for him what I never had....a strong family bond. Oh well, whatever....they're the one's missing out!

coolcait

sacha28 wrote: »

... my oh didn't 'walk out' he went home from work one evening to find all of his belongings thrown onto and blocking a main road and 2 police officers trying to round it all up so traffic could flow again!!!

....

How dreadful!

You can understand how that would have put him off getting close to another woman, or having another child, for a very very long time!

slowcoachme

A different tack here, you say you are working in NHS as an unregistered nurse, ie, health care assistant? You do know it takes 3 years at uni to become registered?

Lunar_Eclipse

Treevo wrote: »

You can't do anything about his ex or his parents - so tackle the thing you can do - work. Take the promotion and arrange childcare around your new working schedule. Then make damn well sure that he pays for it if he can't be bothered to even request shifts.

^^^ this. It is the only thing you can change. I also think as much as it would infuriate me that my partner wouldn't support a 'promotion' by not even having a discussion with work about his shifts (does he take his family responsibilities seriously or not?), I think it will only breed resentment in you if you allow this to influence your work goals. Take the new job and make it work, with or without him. I would be so angry if DH behaved in this way; does he want a stay at home partner and thus can he afford to keep one?

You can also point out that you would like to be married to your partner and for that to happen he needs to organise his divorce. As much as I don't want to say it, what is his motivation? I don't mean that people/him only do things if they are rewarded, but I suppose he's quite happy the way things are and he must also know that it will be stressful getting the divorce. Point out that you will support him and help him through the process as a united team? Personally, I would also take maximum precautionary measures to ensure that no more children were created in the relationship until you have the commitment you crave.

I suggest you don't even waste your time thinking about his parents and their interest, or lack of it, in your son. However, we also seem to live in a time where parents expect things (help) from grandparents. I don't think it's common for an 18 month old to have stayed overnight with anyone. Personally, although I'm not a grandparent, I wouldn't want to look after a child that young and energetic overnight. I'm also not that keen on looking after other people's children, certainly if they are below school age. Occasional babysitting yes, but more than that and it feels like far too much hard work. I'm comfortable in feeling this way and appreciate others feel differently, but I thought it might help explain why they are not forthcoming. My sister & BIL are always trying to get us to look after their 1 year old - they mention overnight babysitting EVERY time we see them, so ... we deliberately don't see them often because this gets to me and I hate saying no all the time. My nephew is adorable, but he is also very (too) young and not my responsibility for that long. We stopped at 2 children by choice.

Lunar_Eclipse

itsanne wrote: »

You seem to have taken the above as very judgemental. I didn't read it that way. Don't forget that even when they are trying to be helpful, posters may well say things which are uncomfortable to hear - or wrong.

I didn't either, but given the OP's upbringing I think it very understandably hit a nerve.

So pleased progress has been made (& my reply above no longer really applies!)

margaretclare

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Engagement is the name for the period between agreeing to marry(normally with a set agreed time frame) and getting married. But he is not free to marry you. Therefore the engagement is a meaningless pretence really - a sop to keep you happy.
How any one can be content to remain legally bound to an ex for a day longer than necessary is beyond me.

Tell you partner this: his wife remains his legal next of kin , not you: if he end up very sick in hospital, it's her by his bedside who gets to decide his treatment while he is unconscious, not you. If he dies, it's her that gets every penny of his bank account and any other assets, not you. If you share any owed property, half of your home will then be owned by his wife. Etc etc.

Of course, once divorced, she will no longer be his next of kin, but neither will you unless you marry (there may be other routes to you becoming next of kin but you would need to proactively seek them out and do what ever is necessary to sort that legally, you wouldn't be NOK by default)

Very well said, Brightonbelle. I sometimes wonder what kind of a world I've stumbled into by mistake. My understanding of an engagement is that it is a promise, a commitment, to marry. This commitment cannot be made by someone who is married to another person. There's another word for what this man is doing, but I'd better not spell it out here.

I applaud your desire to progress in your chosen occupation, the efforts you've made so far, without much/any help from your parents or anyone else, and I hope you succeed in your ambitions.

sacha28

slowcoach I will be doing a foundation degree to become an assistant practitioner, this is on the cusp of being fully trained. Unfortunately our trust removed any kind of hope for me to become fully trained AT PRESENT as they have removed the option of secondment and no longer fund training through the OU. Both of these options would have allowed me to do the full training course whilst earning me full time wage as I would still 'belong' to the department. This really is a long winded way of doing things but by the time I have completed the foundation degree my lo will be attending school so I can then afford to 'top it up' with another 18 months to become fully trained as I won't have nearly £700pm in nursery fees to pay. This is why my course is only 2 years and I see no other way of being able to live my dream. Needs must