Feeling fed up and resentful

nimbo

sacha28 wrote: »

TBH even if he got divorced tomorrow we couldn't afford a wedding. I would also have to buy some random members of public to substitute my family!

getting married isn't expensive - it costs less than £100 t get married in my local town hall - which is actually quite attractive.

The rest is just vanity (yes I am a woman who just doesn't get the whole concept of wanting to be the center of attention, and spending exorbitant amounts of money when I don't own my own home)...

Even if you can't afford the wedding of your dreams - what do you want more the 'big dress' (and all the trimmings) or the man and the piece of paper? (Setting a date is free, or at my beautiful local town hall - where I don't work is £35)...

paulineb_2

sacha28 wrote: »

Thanks for your reply I have had a talk with him about 2 weeks ago and told him I want to take my ring off and for him to ask me again once he was divorced and he was devestated. He took it as I didn't want to be with him anymore!! We are on the same page, we want to be together, get married, but he just won't take that step and he says it's because we can't afford it. It's so frustrating!

Well dont issue ultimatums like that if you really do want to be with him

itsanne

You've raised three problems: you feel your OH's parents are not interested in your son, you are frustrated with work issues and your OH is not getting divorced.

First of all, I think you've got these in completely the wrong order. The one which is by far the most important, for reasons which have been clearly outlined by other posters, is the lack of a divorce.

You need to spell out the consequences of his wife (She is not his ex at present!) remaining his next of kin to your OH and then help him to take action. If he is still resistant, I would question where he genuinely sees the relationship going, because it won't be marriage. Assuming he recognises the need to actually divorce, there are expensive items he could sell. Bearing in mind what you have said about his parents' views of his wife, they might be able to lend him the money for the divorce, especially if he explains the legal ramifications if anything happened to him.

Getting married does not have to be expensive, but you both have to want it and be able to do it, so it should be on the back burner for now.

There are several aspects to your dissatisfaction around work. At present it's important that you enjoy your job. Many people don't have that luxury. In the short to medium term the lack of progression doesn't matter. However, it's clear where you would like to be in the long run. So make it happen.

Would the offer you have at present be available in a couple of years time? If so, that might be the easiest option. If not, the timescale over which childcare costs for your son are so high is limited. Would it be possible to scrape by, accepting that things will be very tight over that time? Assuming you stay together, you would need your OH's support in this. Based on his spending priorities, it might be that he is unwilling to forego some material things. How would you feel / what would you do about that? You really have to talk about all this with your OH - your son is your his responsibility too!

As far as your OH's parents' interest in your son is concerned, the description you give later on suggests that there is not an awful lot to worry about. Not all grandparents constantly phone for updates or have their grandchildren to stay overnight. When they do see him they are interested. Maybe they will be more hands on as he gets older. Have you asked them to have him for a night, rather than hoping they will initiate it?

I suspect that if you could resolve at least some of the other issues this one wouldn't get to you so much. Regardless of that, it's the one thing that is out of your control, so save your energies for the things you can do something about.

sacha28

Thanks peeps, having read all the replies I can totally understand and accept most points......apart from the one where I had no respect for his marriage. We were friends to begin with, nothing more, and the full scale of the situation came to light a while after we met. Ok so all be it only a few weeks but there was no overlap and I certainly didn't jump straight into bed with him. He had tried, on several occasions, to patch things up with his ex and thought they were getting somewhere.....until the vile accusations came to light through her solicitor. PND or not, it is wholly unacceptable to accuse a man of domestic violence when there is absolutely no truth in it whatsoever. This was something he simply could not forgive.

Following this thread I sat him down last night and had a long chat. I outlined, again, how embarrassed I am about our living arrangements and used the advice about the NOK issues. TBH I hadn't even thought about this and was horrified, so was he. I gave him until christmas to sort out the divorce or we will be re-evaluating the situation. He said he doesn't need that long, it'll be done by the end of the month so we'll see!!!

I have never asked the GP's to have my son overnight, I have never felt comfortable enough to and felt that this would be a bit of a mickey take. Besides, they got weird when they had to pick him up from nursery 2 evenings in one week and asked if we could make sure it was only one in future so don't really think they would be up for it.

There was no thought process into how I wrote OP, the order they are written in is not the order of importance but just how it came out.

RAS

For the immediate future; divorce or no, I suggest that YOU take out a term life insurance policy on his life. Cost about £10-15 per month but would give you a safety net if anything happened.

sacha28

RAS would that protect our family if anything was to happen and his ex/wife would have no claim on this if he died before they got divorced (entirely possible if he doesn't buck his ideas up!!)?

RAS

sacha28 wrote: »

RAS would that protect our family if anything was to happen and his ex/wife would have no claim on this if he died before they got divorced (entirely possible if he doesn't buck his ideas up!!)?

Yes because you would be the beneficiary of the insurance policy and insurance pay-outs go to the beneficiary not the estate if written properly.

At the moment she would get any state payments. Does he have a death-in-service benefit or pensions from work? They would go to her as well unless he has made alternative arrangements. Some he may be able to alter but not all.

Which is why you need a safety net.

sacha28

So to update.....it seems spilling all to people you don't know helps somewhat!!

After much discussion with oh and getting more details on hours from, who will be, my new boss, I sat him down and told him it wasn't viable. He got angry and said he's not taking the blame for me not doing the course. My words to that were 'it is because of you that I'm not going to do the course as you have shown no willingness to make any arrangements to help with the extra childcare'. He was very upset and set about researching ways of getting possible extra funding and speaking to work about a more structured work routine!! I am now taking the opportunity, hooray!!!!

As for the divorce, he has also been looking into that and has found that he can do it all online for a minimal fee. It'll cost about £400 in all and yesterday he took one of his bikes to a dealer and sold it (for much much less than it was worth but hey-ho) so he is on his way to doing that.

All-in-all, I have alot to thank you guys for as I don't think I would have been able to sort this out without feeling a little empowered and seeing that I wasn't being selfish or picky!!!

As for his parents? Their loss as far as I'm concerned. They can see him whenever they want but it will be on my terms, if it's convenient for me

itsanne

sacha28 wrote: »

So to update.....it seems spilling all to people you don't know helps somewhat!!

After much discussion with oh and getting more details on hours from, who will be, my new boss, I sat him down and told him it wasn't viable. He got angry and said he's not taking the blame for me not doing the course. My words to that were 'it is because of you that I'm not going to do the course as you have shown no willingness to make any arrangements to help with the extra childcare'. He was very upset and set about researching ways of getting possible extra funding and speaking to work about a more structured work routine!! I am now taking the opportunity, hooray!!!!

As for the divorce, he has also been looking into that and has found that he can do it all online for a minimal fee. It'll cost about £400 in all and yesterday he took one of his bikes to a dealer and sold it (for much much less than it was worth but hey-ho) so he is on his way to doing that.

All-in-all, I have alot to thank you guys for as I don't think I would have been able to sort this out without feeling a little empowered and seeing that I wasn't being selfish or picky!!!

As for his parents? Their loss as far as I'm concerned. They can see him whenever they want but it will be on my terms, if it's convenient for me

:T:T

That's great news. Thanks for updating. Thank goodness for something with a positive outcome!

Brighton_belle

Sacha, this is brilliant news - I am so pleased for both of you:T:T
Sometimes getting another perspective does indeed give you the courage to have these difficult conversations and say things that are not easy.
Good for him for hearing your reasoned calm statement, taking it on board, after initial defensive response of anger, and doing something about it.
It is good to break down the 'this isn't possible or too difficult' into smaller bit size pieces that show you can join the dots and make it possible.
Actions tend to speak louder than words and I'm liking what he actions are saying about what he feels about you and your relationship:T

Thank you very much for updating us:)