Feeling fed up and resentful

sacha28

The bike, surf board and car were all purchased last year and the year before. We have made no big purchases like that this year due to the DRO and trying to be more sensible and get ourselves out of the massive hole that was dug, this is why I'm so reluctant to take up the training post.

TBH even if he got divorced tomorrow we couldn't afford a wedding. I would also have to buy some random members of public to substitute my family!

AlexLK

Why does the wedding matter so much? You can get married for just over a £100 if you really wanted to. I do think the whole divorce thing is way out of order though.

pukkamum

sacha28 wrote: »

The bike, surf board and car were all purchased last year and the year before. We have made no big purchases like that this year due to the DRO and trying to be more sensible and get ourselves out of the massive hole that was dug, this is why I'm so reluctant to take up the training post.

TBH even if he got divorced tomorrow we couldn't afford a wedding. I would also have to buy some random members of public to substitute my family!

Tell him to sell said mountain bike and surfboard even the car if viable and use the money for the divorce.
It's not about getting married it's about him making the effort to cut ties with his ex.
I'm sorry but I think I would be giving him a timeframe, work out how much you can save per week towards the cost of the divorce and how long it would take and give him this date.

Bennifred

Firstly, if you sell the bike and the surfboard that would go a long way towards the divorce. If you and he feel strongly enough for each other then you WOULD find a way to fund the divorce (sell whatever you can? borrow from his parents? save a bit every month?). It seems to me that he is really not bothered about getting divorced from his current wife (and that is what she is, bluntly). If you are, then make it happen. And getting married can be cheaper than making a will.

Secondly, I would definitely pursue the training - childcare can be sorted out. Your PARTNER needs to take his share of responsibility for that.

And thirdly his parents attitude is not in your control, so let that bitterness go - it doesn't help.

Brighton_belle

sacha28 wrote: »

TBH even if he got divorced tomorrow we couldn't afford a wedding. I would also have to buy some random members of public to substitute my family!

No divorce = she is his next of kin. She gets to make crucial decisions when he is lying unconscious in hospital. She could get you banned from being by his bedside if she chooses. This is how important getting a divorce is. Why would he want her to have this control over his life at his most vulnerable?

tinkerbell28

I've never understood why people stay with men like this. As has been said, I'm sure over 3 years, he could have found £400 odd.

He has no incentive though, you got engaged to him, had a baby and stayed with him for 5 years, engaged for 3 all the time he was married.

When people are in this situation, I always say Lee Rigby. His fiancee was left out of everything, she was not part of the official funeral congregation. No invite. Despite him having moved on with a new fiancee. His WIFE and child from that marriage took priority over everything. From finances to funeral plans.

In law you are the mistress with an illegitimate child. With no rights, unless you fight through the courts for your child. It is not the money. It is the circumstances, if something bad were to happen....as NOK she could deny your child access to his bedside, how would that feel?

He is only doing it, because you've let him.

Gigglepig

sacha28 wrote: »

I wasn't on the scene when she booted him out, but I met him within a few weeks of them being separated and we hit it off straight away. His daughter was 4 months old at the time and she went through PND. He wasn't opposed to them sorting it out until she instructed a solicitor for visitation and accused him of the most vile things, all of which were founded to be untrue, I hasten to add.
(

I had a lot of sympathy for you OP until I read this. You chose get with a married man with a 4 month old baby and a wife with PND. not cool! A woman with PND is not herself. As a pregnant lady, if I were to get PND and my marriage fell apart, I sure would hope my husband would give me a chance to recover and repair it, before moving on to a mistress. And as a woman with respect for myself and other people's marriages, I'd stay well away! This is a situation entirely of your own making.

Anyway, you are sending your boyfriend mixed messages, on one hand your actions in the past (by getting into a relationship and having a baby) told him you didn't care about marital status, but now all of a sudden you do. So you have a bit of a problem in explaining that one to him.

Regarding in-laws, all families are different and not all wish to be involved that much with their grandchildren. I understand is is disappointing, but some grandparents are like that. Some people are lucky to have very supportive, hands on grandparents but not everyone.

CH27

tinkerbell28 wrote: »

I've never understood why people stay with men like this. As has been said, I'm sure over 3 years, he could have found £400 odd.

He has no incentive though, you got engaged to him, had a baby and stayed with him for 5 years, engaged for 3 all the time he was married.

When people are in this situation, I always say Lee Rigby. His fiancee was left out of everything, she was not part of the official funeral congregation. No invite. Despite him having moved on with a new fiancee. His WIFE and child from that marriage took priority over everything. From finances to funeral plans.

In law you are the mistress with an illegitimate child. With no rights, unless you fight through the courts for your child. It is not the money. It is the circumstances, if something bad were to happen....as NOK she could deny your child access to his bedside, how would that feel?

He is only doing it, because you've let him.

This sums it up really.

Bennifred

Is it a case of "Why buy the cow when you get the milk free?"

nimbo

sacha28 wrote: »

Thanks for your reply I have had a talk with him about 2 weeks ago and told him I want to take my ring off and for him to ask me again once he was divorced and he was devestated. He took it as I didn't want to be with him anymore!! We are on the same page, we want to be together, get married, but he just won't take that step and he says it's because we can't afford it. It's so frustrating!

so change tack slightly - tell him you want to set a date.

shows commitment from you - and acknowledges that he needs to file for divorce.