Feeling fed up and resentful

sacha28

My partner and I have been together for 5 years and have an 18 month old son. In the most part we are very happy but there are some things that are now starting to annoy me and I don't know how to deal with them.

Firstly, my oh's parents show NO interest in our son. They never phone and ask to see him, have never had him over night, and they see him as little as they see oh's daughter from previous marriage who live 400 miles away (that's another story!!). OH's daughter comes to stay every holiday and they constantly phone when she is here, and even take sick days off work to spend time with her. During pregnancy and mat leave they constantly said they would help with childcare when I return to work (I never asked them as it was my choice to have a baby not theirs so I am therefore not expecting them to look after him) but let us down in the most spectacular fashion so I now have to work permanent nights as I had to take too many days off work when they cancelled at the last minute.

Secondly, I am stuck in a rut in my job. I love my job but have reached the very top of my role financially. No matter how much longer I stay in my current role I will NEVER get another pay increase. I have the qualifications to move to another department in a higher role but I can't really start a new job then start dictating the shifts I work. My OH will absolutely not make any requests to work specific shifts in his department. He gets his shifts, at best, only 2 weeks in advance which makes planning shifts and childcare impossible. I just feel like I am the only one making sacrifices throughout the whole situation and now, and this makes me feel resentful.

Thirdly, we have been engaged for 3 years but he is STILL MARRIED!! I only agreed to marry him as he said he will get divorced. His ex is a volatile woman and refused to divorce him until they had been seperated for 2 years so no reason had to be cited (I never really understood why it mattered). Once she had said 'lets get divorced as 2 years is up, oh but you can pay for it' he asked me to marry him. It still hasn't happened as there is always something else to pay for that takes priority (like a new mountain bike, surf board or car!!!!). I feel embarrassed by this. I am living with, engaged to, and have a baby with somebody else's husband and it makes me sad.

I'm starting to feel like these issues are starting to get in the way of a fantastic relationship

heartbreak_star

Not sure what advice to give other than sit him down and have a frank talk to him. Don't raise your voice, don't let it become an argument. Just put your points forward and ask him where you're both going with the relationship.

And have a *hug*!

HBS x

RAS

Hi

Think you need to separate out the issues and tackle them one at a time.

What matters most to you? Sorting out the divorce or sorting out work?

Divorce costs about £380 plus about £40 for the absolute. Marriage does not have to cost a fortune with bells on.

Are there likely to be issues with the financial setlement (joint house with ex etc)?

Regarding work OH may feel that he is at least providing overnight care so you can work; some men would not be prepared to be tied down to that.

sacha28

Thanks for your reply I have had a talk with him about 2 weeks ago and told him I want to take my ring off and for him to ask me again once he was divorced and he was devestated. He took it as I didn't want to be with him anymore!! We are on the same page, we want to be together, get married, but he just won't take that step and he says it's because we can't afford it. It's so frustrating!

sacha28

RAS work is important to me, I have worked in my profession for 12 years (since I was 19) and want to progress so I feel like I have achieved. I also want to provide the life for my son that I never had. My mother was awful, I took a part time job at 15 just so I could pay for my school field trips to pass my GCSE's as she refused and said it was down to me. I don't have a relationship with my mother, hence why I wanted his parents to be so involved.

System

Work on one problem at a time.

sacha28

Sorry! They're all as important as each other but I can't make his parents want to be involved, I can't make OH ask his work to be more structured and I feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall with regards to the divorce as it's something I bring up regularly. I'm not being difficult, I promise, just feel a bit desolate

pukkamum

Ok here's my advice, accept the things you cannot change and change the things you cannot accept.
Look at the issues you have and work out possible solutions you can live with even if it isn't perfect.
Don't let issues with in-laws and work ruin your relationship, are you focusing on the marriage part thinking it will make the other issues disappear?
Dh and I were engaged for ten years before we wed and our son was four.

pukkamum

sacha28 wrote: »

Sorry! They're all as important as each other but I can't make his parents want to be involved, I can't make OH ask his work to be more structured and I feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall with regards to the divorce as it's something I bring up regularly. I'm not being difficult, I promise, just feel a bit desolate

Does dh realise just how much the divorce issue is upsetting you?
Is it that he can't be bothered to sort it out?
Is he worried about the stress of the divorce?
You really need to sit down with him and have a calm conversation about it.
My in-laws have no real interest in the kids, fil sends birthday and christmas cards but thats it, he hasn't even met dd3 and she's nearly 3, mil visits sporadically but never phones to talk to them.
I've accepted this, it's them that are missing out and will regret it, I refuse to be upset about it, they aren't worth it.

aileth

Don't even bother with the in-laws. Act like they're not even there. They aren't worth your time acting like that, and maybe they'll get the message if you're not responding to them.

Talk to him straight, get a quickie divorce (Hopefully crazy ex won't cause issues wtih this) ASAP, put money aside for it, if he is so bothered about you taking off your ring and leaving him, he should be bothered enough not to 'splurge' on really what are irrelevent things for a time to make you the 'proper' family unit you want to be.

When that's done, tie the knot at the registery office then hold the reception at your house with a lovely homemade buffet. I really think something like that has as much feeling as throwing cash at people that milk weddings for all they're worth.

As for the job, you said you love your job. Sure, there might not be any upward progression, but you LOVE your job! That is worth more than any wage, trust me, and can be very rare. Personally, I'd rather earn slightly less and be happy, than be miserable and earn more.

Good luck.

Mojisola

pukkamum wrote: »

Ok here's my advice, accept the things you cannot change and change the things you cannot accept.

Judi wrote: »

Work on one problem at a time.

This is the way to do it. If you change one thing, it will impact on how you feel about the others - any progress will improve your mood.

The divorce seems a good place to start - relatively easy to do now after so long apart. Have a talk and set a deadline. If your OH won't move on it, you may need to completely reassess your relationship.

You are the one making all the adaptions to your life for the child who is his child as well as yours.

His parents have no interest in his son.

He would rather buy a luxury item for himself than sort out the divorce which would allow you to get married.

Just what is so fantastic about this relationship?