Feeling fed up and resentful

sacha28

And the other thing I would like to put straight......my in laws would be HORRIFIED if he went back to his ex and are definately NOT expecting or hoping this will happen!

paulineb_2

sacha28 wrote: »

And if you would like the real definition of abandonment then please just look at my own father......walked out on my mother when I was 4 weeks old and I have met him only once when I was 27 years old, never to be seen again. That is a father abandoning his child, not my partner who speaks to his daughter twice a week and sees her as often as school holidays allow (was every weekend through a court order until she moved)

I agree, I think a better word than abandoned could have been used

Ive not seen my father in 40 years, my brother has no contact with his, neither have bothered with either of us

Thats people making a conscious decision to abandon a child and not look back and not take any interest in their life

Someone who cant see a child as often as they would like, very different.

Tiddlywinks

sacha28 wrote: »

He knows how much the divorce thing upsets me. I never told him I was leaving, I just said I don't want to be engaged to somebody else's husband!

You don't want to be engaged to someone else's husband, yet it is OK to have a baby with him. Where's the logic in that?

tinkerbell28 wrote: »

I've never understood why people stay with men like this. As has been said, I'm sure over 3 years, he could have found £400 odd.

He has no incentive though, you got engaged to him, had a baby and stayed with him for 5 years, engaged for 3 all the time he was married.

..............

In law you are the mistress with an illegitimate child. With no rights, unless you fight through the courts for your child. It is not the money. It is the circumstances, if something bad were to happen....as NOK she could deny your child access to his bedside, how would that feel?

He is only doing it, because you've let him.

This I agree with...

Why have you given him until December? They have been separated long enough to get things moving right now!

sacha28

Sorry tiddlywinks would you like me to place my son back into my womb and wait until it's more convenient for him to come out (although I think he may be a bit uncomfortable, given how big he's got!).

I don't know if you read the whole of op but I did state that I was embarrassed by the whole situation My son is here, I can't put him back, but I can end an engagement until such a time as he is divorced.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

sacha28 wrote: »

Sorry tiddlywinks would you like me to place my son back into my womb and wait until it's more convenient for him to come out (although I think he may be a bit uncomfortable, given how big he's got!).

I don't know if you read the whole of op but I did state that I was embarrassed by the whole situation My son is here, I can't put him back, but I can end an engagement until such a time as he is divorced.

:rotfl: It's a bit late for that now, isn't it?


Anyhow, the ex may very well be a basket case - however, he left her 16 weeks after she had a baby and whilst she had mental health issues. Maybe she does feel abandoned and angry about that? I think I probably would, even if it had actually been a situation of my own doing.



Sometimes it can make life easier for you to try and consider the other people involved, as well as the three of you - not because they're necessarily right, but it means you feel slightly less put upon or attacked. It certainly causes me less stress to mentally give my fella's ex some slack.

And useless families are commonplace. You can't change them, nor can you expect somebody else's family to make it all better, because they're in all likelihood flawed and dysfunctional in some way as well - it's par for the course when you're dealing with people.



Glad you talked and could sort out the things you can do something about, though.

sacha28

Thanks jojo (love your name, wish I could be the same!!). The only thing that I would disagree with is that my oh didn't 'walk out' he went home from work one evening to find all of his belongings thrown onto and blocking a main road and 2 police officers trying to round it all up so traffic could flow again!!!

I feel I have cut his ex much slack, I have tried to see it from her point of view many times, but every time I stick up for her she seems to do something incredibly stupid (like trying to tell his daughter's school to use her maiden name instead of her actual surname without permission) or selfish (like moving the family 400 miles away with 2 weeks notice). She seemed to get over her PND after 4 months when she got pregnant (and people judge us for getting together quickly when she had kicked him out!). On one of her, very rare, sensible moments she has admitted to me that had it not been for her actions after kicking him out she knows they would probably have sorted things out. I knew the situation (after a while) and I would not have stood in the way and I always told him that.

sacha28

I have hinted at his ex not being very nice but I feel I should substantiate this with an example......

18th August ex...'I need to tell you something, we're moving up country'....
OH 'when?'
ex '31st August'.
OH 'Why so quick?'
ex 'I have nothing for me down here'.
OH 'what about your 4 children and their 4 dad's?'
ex 'they aren't important, they'll get over it'

And this is the type of female we are working with

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

sacha28 wrote: »

Thanks jojo (love your name, wish I could be the same!!). The only thing that I would disagree with is that my oh didn't 'walk out' he went home from work one evening to find all of his belongings thrown onto and blocking a main road and 2 police officers trying to round it all up so traffic could flow again!!!

I feel I have cut his ex much slack, I have tried to see it from her point of view many times, but every time I stick up for her she seems to do something incredibly stupid (like trying to tell his daughter's school to use her maiden name instead of her actual surname without permission) or selfish (like moving the family 400 miles away with 2 weeks notice). She seemed to get over her PND after 4 months when she got pregnant (and people judge us for getting together quickly when she had kicked him out!). On one of her, very rare, sensible moments she has admitted to me that had it not been for her actions after kicking him out she knows they would probably have sorted things out. I knew the situation (after a while) and I would not have stood in the way and I always told him that.

Fair enough. Maybe the chucking stuff out was part of the PND, though - after all, the whole point of the illness is that it affects your reasoning. And pregnancy hormones would be quite likely to get her back to a more even keel, as the drop in them is, I think, part of the trigger for PND. Maybe she identified him as the problem, maybe she thought he'd go running back to her and everything would be sorted out (but he met you), maybe she just wanted a bit of piece and quiet, maybe, maybe....there's no end to the things that could have been going on in her head then and now.



I don't know - like I don't actually know my fella's ex. I see the angry messages she sends him and they scream rejection and anger at his leaving her. Not for me, he had another relationship in between that ended long before I met him. He tends to withdraw from confrontation, and I do think that actually contributes to his ex getting angrier with him - like she's upping the stakes trying to push him into interacting with her.




What I do think is that, where you have somebody whose reaction to confrontation or feeling like they're being trapped or forced to do something is to withdraw, it's easy to push them too hard. By you giving him the information where he could choose to do something for himself and make himself free, your OH probably feels more secure and confident than when you threatened to take your ring off.




It's a fine balancing act, but one you achieve through communication, rather than ignoring issues in the hope they'll go away. It sounds like you're both doing better as a result of this, though

sacha28

Oh we really are, talking things through and reaching a solution feels great It's weird as I always put us down as great communicators, clearly not as great as I thought!!

He did try to sort things out but, like I said, she ruined it with the most vile accusations that he could not forgive. Humiliating him, throwing his stuff on the road, the verbal abuse, all of that he could forgive, but to be accused of beating and ..... her (so awful I can't even bring myself to type it) is just a step too far in his eyes and I agree. There are many other awful things she has done, we could keep Jeremy Kyle going for a whole season without the need for other guests!!! She then followed that up with getting pregnant by someone else 4 months later. She never ceases to shock me!

duchy

So she got pregnant about the time he started a new relationship too ....Could very well be the two aren't unconnected. mightl explain why he wanted to let sleeping dogs lie-even if he let them lie too long. Sounds like neither of them ended it well or with much dignity or respect. PND doesn't just vanish -it takes time .