Feeling fed up and resentful

red_devil

so his parents see his daughter from marriage but not your son? do you have a family?

Mojisola

sacha28 wrote: »

they see oh's daughter from previous marriage who live 400 miles away (that's another story!!).

Is this a daughter from a previous marriage or from his current marriage?

If it's the latter, could this be why his parents behave differently to your son? She is the legitimate daughter of his still-existing marriage while your son is his mistress's illegitimate child - some people do still think like that.

sacha28

Ok so to clear a few things up....

I wasn't on the scene when she booted him out, but I met him within a few weeks of them being separated and we hit it off straight away. His daughter was 4 months old at the time and she went through PND. He wasn't opposed to them sorting it out until she instructed a solicitor for visitation and accused him of the most vile things, all of which were founded to be untrue, I hasten to add.

His daughter is from the marriage now. His parents have never got on with his ex (or whatever you call her) and when they split she refused all access for the first year as she said his dad was unfit to be around their daughter (as I said, she is volatile). His parents begged him not to marry her as they felt she was vicious.

I have family but I have no contact. My mother put me in care when I was 10 years old as she branded me a problem child. I was not a problem, I was suffering PTSD as I was sexually abused by her 2nd husband from the age of 2 until I was 5. She claimed she didn't believe me, despite my sister having also been abused by him. She believed my sister. My mother is everything I don't want to be and I don't want her anywhere near my son. She has never met him, and never will.

I do get on very well with my in laws, I guess they have just surprised me on how little interest they show in our son. When he does see him they act like he's the best thing in the world, they just make very little effort in seeing him in the first place.

And as for just going for the training? I wish I could be that selfish, believe me I have thought about it!!! Problem is, once my £800 childcare is paid for and the rent we will struggle very badly just to keep our heads above water.....then how will he get divorced??!! I could not put my son into severe hardship just for my own selfish wants

Dunroamin

sacha28 wrote: »

He knows how much the divorce thing upsets me. I never told him I was leaving, I just said I don't want to be engaged to somebody else's husband!

As for my job, I'm an unregistered nurse and I didn't go into nursing for the money but it would be nice to feel like I can progress. I would love to be trained and I was offered an opportunity last week where I could be trained in 2 years but couldn't accept as it became very apparent that without oh's help by requesting more structured it would be impossible as my pay would initially reduce by quite alot and my childcare costs would more than double. I guess this is where my issues started in the first place.

Is that option still available to you because, if so, I would move heaven and earth to do it. Did you look at what tax credits you'd get for childcare and whether you'd be eligible for anything else if your money goes down? At the very least, see if you can get them to hold this option open for you for next year while you sort out practical arrangements.

I'd make this your priority for the moment, particularly as your very natural resentment about missing this opportunity is affecting your outlook on other things.

sacha28

TC was the first thing I checked out. Because I work nights and work for the NHS I get enhancements, which bumps my pay up. To qualify for help with childcare, as a couple, the threshold is £30000pa. My oh and I are looking at £33000 this year. Even with the predicted pay slump I would only be entitled to approx £50pm towards childcare. I can see why people don't bother going back to work, but that's just not me.

fabforty

OP, a few posters have mentioned the fact that getting a divorce is not expensive, but for some reason you seem to be either missing or avoiding this basic but valid point.

Sorry to be blunt but at £420, he could get a divorce if he really wanted to and I suspect that deep down inside, you know this too. Of course you will then feel resentful. Did your engagement ring cost more? Surely you would rather have the divorced man than a ring with little meaning? If OH doesn't have the money spare, do you? If so, as another poster suggested, why not just give it to him?

I know you say all three problems are equally important, but that doesn't make sense to me. Your relationship and his reluctance to get a divorce is surely top of the list, yet you put it third.

sacha28

We went bankrupt in January, we have no money

Well I say bankrupt, it's a DRO which is a type of bankruptcy still dealt with by the official receiver.

sacha28

And to clear up that my oh and his ex didn't share any assets, only debts.

Mojisola

sacha28 wrote: »

It still hasn't happened as there is always something else to pay for that takes priority (like a new mountain bike, surf board or car!!!!).

sacha28 wrote: »

We went bankrupt in January, we have no money

Sounds like there's money for things he wants.

LannieDuck

Dunroamin wrote: »

Is that option still available to you because, if so, I would move heaven and earth to do it. Did you look at what tax credits you'd get for childcare and whether you'd be eligible for anything else if your money goes down? At the very least, see if you can get them to hold this option open for you for next year while you sort out practical arrangements.

I'd make this your priority for the moment, particularly as your very natural resentment about missing this opportunity is affecting your outlook on other things.

I totally agree. Work is important to you, and there's nothing wrong with that. If you were a man, no-one would bat at eyelid at you wanting to focus on your career for a few years, even if you had small children (they probably wouldn't even ask).

You might have a tight two years, but after that you'd be in a better position financially? If you want to do it, and your family can survive those two years financially, I would definitely do it.

It sounds as if you've already been the one to take a career hit (you had to take time off work everytime parents-in-law let you down at the last minute - did he share the pain of that, or was it all you?)

I would sit down with my OH and say "I want to do this, how are we going to achieve it?". I think it'll come down to the two of you living very frugally for two years (no more mountain bikes for OH), or him finding out if his work can accommodate more regular shifts. You both made the decision to have a child. There's no reason your work should take all the hits.