Feeling fed up and resentful

sacha28

He knows how much the divorce thing upsets me. I never told him I was leaving, I just said I don't want to be engaged to somebody else's husband!

As for my job, I'm an unregistered nurse and I didn't go into nursing for the money but it would be nice to feel like I can progress. I would love to be trained and I was offered an opportunity last week where I could be trained in 2 years but couldn't accept as it became very apparent that without oh's help by requesting more structured it would be impossible as my pay would initially reduce by quite alot and my childcare costs would more than double. I guess this is where my issues started in the first place.

sacha28

Mojisola wrote: »

This is the way to do it. If you change one thing, it will impact on how you feel about the others - any progress will improve your mood.

The divorce seems a good place to start - relatively easy to do now after so long apart. Have a talk and set a deadline. If your OH won't move on it, you may need to completely reassess your relationship.

You are the one making all the adaptions to your life for the child who is his child as well as yours.

His parents have no interest in his son.

He would rather buy a luxury item for himself than sort out the divorce which would allow you to get married.

Just what is so fantastic about this relationship?

Sorry don't know how to select just one line to quote!

My partner and I are very good together, in the most part. We have very similar interests, share the same sense of humour, have the same morals. It's just his priorities seem to have gone a bit awry!

RAS

One thing you need to bear in mind is that in 18 months time your son will be eligible for free child care sessions, which would help reduce the costs and maybe allow you to train?

Mojisola

sacha28 wrote: »

My partner and I are very good together, in the most part. We have very similar interests, share the same sense of humour, have the same morals. It's just his priorities seem to have gone a bit awry!

Time for a reality check for him, then.

As he is still married, have you thought about what would happen if he died? Unless he has a will, his wife will inherit from him - up to £250,000. The mothers of his two children could go to court to claim something for his children but it will be expensive.

AlexLK

Your OH needs to grow up and accept responsibility. He needs to get a divorce from the previous woman and needs reminding it takes two to make a baby. When I was younger, I promised my wife that when we had a child she could stay at home but only if she WANTED to. Things changed dramatically as I went through a few very tough years and I'm at home more than she is. I never once EXPECTED the wife to be the one to look after our child, we do it together as a team.

sulkisu

RAS wrote: »

Hi

Think you need to separate out the issues and tackle them one at a time.

What matters most to you? Sorting out the divorce or sorting out work?

Divorce costs about £380 plus about £40 for the absolute. Marriage does not have to cost a fortune with bells on.

Are there likely to be issues with the financial setlement (joint house with ex etc)?

Regarding work OH may feel that he is at least providing overnight care so you can work; some men would not be prepared to be tied down to that.

OP - did you miss this point (in bold)? Are you saying that you do not have £400 between you to pay for the divorce?

IMHO money isn't the issue. I think if two people really want to get divorced, then they do. They don't drag it out for so many years, especially if when they clearly apparently have a good reason for getting divorced, i.e. a fiance! and baby. In your shoes I would beg, steal or borrow £400, shove it in his hands and see what he does.

I agree that you should tackle one problem at a time, and it makes sense to start with this one. If he still refuses to get divorced, the other two issues (his parents and his refusal to change shifts, will be moot).

Treevo

sacha28 wrote: »

My partner and I have been together for 5 years and have an 18 month old son. In the most part we are very happy but there are some things that are now starting to annoy me and I don't know how to deal with them.

Firstly, my oh's parents show NO interest in our son. They never phone and ask to see him, have never had him over night, and they see him as little as they see oh's daughter from previous marriage who live 400 miles away (that's another story!!). OH's daughter comes to stay every holiday and they constantly phone when she is here, and even take sick days off work to spend time with her. During pregnancy and mat leave they constantly said they would help with childcare when I return to work (I never asked them as it was my choice to have a baby not theirs so I am therefore not expecting them to look after him) but let us down in the most spectacular fashion so I now have to work permanent nights as I had to take too many days off work when they cancelled at the last minute.

Secondly, I am stuck in a rut in my job. I love my job but have reached the very top of my role financially. No matter how much longer I stay in my current role I will NEVER get another pay increase. I have the qualifications to move to another department in a higher role but I can't really start a new job then start dictating the shifts I work. My OH will absolutely not make any requests to work specific shifts in his department. He gets his shifts, at best, only 2 weeks in advance which makes planning shifts and childcare impossible. I just feel like I am the only one making sacrifices throughout the whole situation and now, and this makes me feel resentful.

Thirdly, we have been engaged for 3 years but he is STILL MARRIED!! I only agreed to marry him as he said he will get divorced. His ex is a volatile woman and refused to divorce him until they had been seperated for 2 years so no reason had to be cited (I never really understood why it mattered). Once she had said 'lets get divorced as 2 years is up, oh but you can pay for it' he asked me to marry him. It still hasn't happened as there is always something else to pay for that takes priority (like a new mountain bike, surf board or car!!!!). I feel embarrassed by this. I am living with, engaged to, and have a baby with somebody else's husband and it makes me sad.

I'm starting to feel like these issues are starting to get in the way of a fantastic relationship

So three years ago, your OH's ex agreed to a divorce after being separated for two years, but you've been together for five years?

Is it possible that she doesn't want to make it easy because you were on the scene before she was off it?

You can't do anything about his ex or his parents - so tackle the thing you can do - work. Take the promotion and arrange childcare around your new working schedule. Then make damn well sure that he pays for it if he can't be bothered to even request shifts.

I hate to say it but it sounds very much like you'll end up acting like a single parent anyway, so you may as well start now and at least improve your own prospects.

Brighton_belle

Engagement is the name for the period between agreeing to marry(normally with a set agreed time frame) and getting married. But he is not free to marry you. Therefore the engagement is a meaningless pretence really - a sop to keep you happy.
How any one can be content to remain legally bound to an ex for a day longer than necessary is beyond me.

Tell you partner this: his wife remains his legal next of kin , not you: if he end up very sick in hospital, it's her by his bedside who gets to decide his treatment while he is unconscious, not you. If he dies, it's her that gets every penny of his bank account and any other assets, not you. If you share any owed property, half of your home will then be owned by his wife. Etc etc.

Of course, once divorced, she will no longer be his next of kin, but neither will you unless you marry (there may be other routes to you becoming next of kin but you would need to proactively seek them out and do what ever is necessary to sort that legally, you wouldn't be NOK by default)

System

He knows how much the divorce thing upsets me. I never told him I was leaving, I just said I don't want to be engaged to somebody else's husband!

Quite understandable in my opinion.

Must admit I got engaged when I was still married but at least my divorce was going through.

aileth

Judi wrote: »

Quite understandable in my opinion.

Must admit I got engaged when I was still married but at least my divorce was going through.

We got engaged just after as I told him I wanted to avoid being engaged to him while he was still married. Fortunately she paid for the costs as it was all down to her infidelity. At the end of the day he's still a man though, and I had to bloody remind him every single day to sign something, whether it be his divorce papers or a direct debit!