Honest advice please - relationship

BitterAndTwisted

econnin wrote: »

I've told him from the start I need space from him and that I felt he has pressurised me into some things but he gets defensive.

Do you feel that he pressurised you into the pregnancy as well?

There are other issues here which I don't want to touch upon as they are too personal to even put on here. There are other things that worry me about him.

These two things in combination I find really, really worrying. I think it only fair to you and this bloke that you call an end to ths relationship asap.

Once you've done this, if it's really and truly what you want and need to do, you can decide about the pregnancy a bit later on. Not too much later, but later.

Do you feel that you are likely to come under a lot more pressure which you may not be able to resist, and therefore not able to make the right decision for you and your child?

paulineb_2

econnin wrote: »

Thank you all.

My son has always been priority and we are happy just the two of us. Very happy. I don't want just any step-dad for him at all. But I thought my partner would be a good role model, until the past month where I have witnessed him being short with my son and his child etc and it just, in my mind, is wrong. My child gets upset easily by negativity but he blossoms with positive parenting. This then got me thinking about everything that has happened and reality hit home.

Previous to this, I've told him I wasn't sure about him. It was all too much as he tried to move in to my home by leaving more and more stuff here. We nearly split up but then I got ill and he helped me through it. Then we went through a very happy patch until about a month ago. I was pregnant at this point.

I know that he knows I am not 100% but he still tries it on. He wants me for life and will just try to please me more to win me round. This is partly why I am up and down. He is never mean to me.

I do want another child but always intended to adopt later on as I don't want a baby with just anyone. I really don't know how I have got here but I realise now that it is not right.

You've all been so useful, thank you.

Hes in love with you but you arent in love with him

Re adoption, its a very long process and not everyone gets accepted. I had a friend who had been accepted to adopt but waited years to have a child placed with her.

Youve got here because sometimes even though you use contraception and I assume you did, women can fall pregnant.

People do get short with kids at times, it doesnt mean they are bad parents or step parents.

You might need to look at yourself to see what your expectations from anyone who had the step parent role would be.

Because you arent living with this man, hes not your childs step dad, you arent married, you dont live in the same house, yet you get upset when you talk about the way this man parents your child.

Hes not his parent or step parent and I understand how it is when its only been you and him, but if you are going to let people into your life you might need to understand that those people might not deal with your son exactly the same way you do.

The bigger issue is you dont want to be with this man, if you did, youd be trying to work out the issues that are putting you off him.

paulineb_2

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

These two things in combination I find really, really worrying. I think it only fair to you and this bloke that you call an end to ths relationship asap.

Once you've done this, if it's really and truly what you want and need to do, you can decide about the pregnancy a bit later on. Not too much later, but later.

Do you feel that you are likely to come under a lot more pressure which you may not be able to resist, and therefore not able to make the right decision for you and your child?

Yet in a later post she says the man has never been mean to her.

paulineb_2

And in the first post the OP says hes a good man and looks after her like shes a princess.

His son gets irritated by his David Brent personality? Seriously, so many conflicting statements yet this thread has now got to the point where shes being advised to have a termination?

Because of comments about other things that worry the OP that she isnt prepared to disclose. And thats her right.

On the one hand this man treats her like a princess and has never been mean to her but on the other there are issues that she doesnt want to say.
Entirely up to her. But Im personally struggling to see how you can be so conflicted by someone who has been painted as decent and who treats her and her son well and then in later posts he doesnt.

The OP has every right to make a decision about the relationship and the unborn child, but this man is great and then he isnt.

She sounds like shes not sure herself.

BitterAndTwisted

A person's behaviour can be worrying without any overt meanness on their part. Constant subtle and unjustified criticism, for instance. Add that to the feeling pressurised into things then getting a denial and I'd be cutting loose and heading for the ruddy hills.

System

Decide if you are going to keep the baby and then decide if your going ahead with the relationship.

paulineb_2

econnin wrote: »

Hi everyone

The end of last year I met a man who was happy, bubbly and mature - everything my ex was not and what I need in a man. On our first date he was very chatty and gentleman-like. After a couple of dates little things annoyed me, such as agreeing with things because it was my opinion, liking things that I liked. I spotted it straight away and called him up on it and he just made a joke of it. Fast forward a couple of weeks and he has told me he loves me.

This is where I made my first mistake. I felt passion for him, intrigued by him and safe - but also pressurised to say it back. Unfortunately I did. Things then escalated and he told me he wanted us to live together with my young son, get married etc. He is perfect in some ways on paper but I never felt 100%. He too has a child which he sees once a week and I soon saw that he struggled being a 'dad' but was a good 'father' - was there on time etc. But very impatient with his child. This then appeared with my son and I asked him if my son annoyed him which he of course said no. Since then I have felt him distance himself from my son. They are very different and his 'David Brent' personality irritates my son who is very calm and reserved (like me). I have a fantastic relationship with his child and feel that I have helped with their relationship.

My feelings towards him have swung considerably back and forth. We do not have much in common when it comes to things that really interest me and now that I have heard all of his funny stories I am bored by him. I do not feel emotionally or intellectually ignited when I'm around him. He repeats conversations. But he IS a good man and looks after me like I am a princess and tries to do right by us.

Now I am currently 5 weeks pregnant with his child. He has wanted this from the start. I feel trapped and sick and wish I could rewind time. I don't fancy him anymore. I want to do the right thing but can't see a future with him and I want my son to have a step-dad that he connects with at least on some level. This may be controversial but my son is my priority over everything. I know I've been stupid. Has anyone got some clarity for me?

Looking at this opening post it seems like youve not been sure about him from the very start.

He annoyed you from the beginning by agreeing with everything you said.

He said he loved you and you felt pressured to say it back and I assume you didnt when you told him.

He bores you. You dont have anything in common with him intellectually.

You have the right not to want to be with this man if you arent happy but it looks very much like you knew from almost the beginning that he wasnt the one for you.

And bluntly, you've had a physical relationship with him, as I said before, the risk you take when you sleep with someone even using contraception is pregnancy. He might think that you do love him.

Have you actually talked about any of this to him? About how you feel or you dont feel, about your concerns about how he gets on with your son

Also, you get on brilliantly with his son and you feel youve helped the father son relationship.

You also need to be aware that relationship with his kid will probably come to an end when the relationship does (your relationship I mean).

You need to have communication with him, even if its only to work out the best way to end things.

paulineb_2

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

A person's behaviour can be worrying without any overt meanness on their part. Constant subtle and unjustified criticism, for instance. Add that to the feeling pressurised into things then getting a denial and I'd be cutting loose and heading for the ruddy hills.

If you look at the opening post it makes very clear that she wasnt sure about him from almost day 1.

If so, why let the relationship go on so long with so many doubts.

alias*alibi

econnin wrote: »

Thank you all.

My son has always been priority and we are happy just the two of us. Very happy. I don't want just any step-dad for him at all. But I thought my partner would be a good role model, until the past month where I have witnessed him being short with my son and his child etc and it just, in my mind, is wrong. My child gets upset easily by negativity but he blossoms with positive parenting. This then got me thinking about everything that has happened and reality hit home.

Previous to this, I've told him I wasn't sure about him. It was all too much as he tried to move in to my home by leaving more and more stuff here. We nearly split up but then I got ill and he helped me through it. Then we went through a very happy patch until about a month ago. I was pregnant at this point.

I know that he knows I am not 100% but he still tries it on. He wants me for life and will just try to please me more to win me round. This is partly why I am up and down. He is never mean to me.

I do want another child but always intended to adopt later on as I don't want a baby with just anyone. I really don't know how I have got here but I realise now that it is not right.

You've all been so useful, thank you.

This all sounds so similar to when I first met my OH; really similar. Except I didn't see how he was around children. Now if my OH hadn't had an affair 3 years ago I would be saying give it a chance; but as my world was upturned by a man who used to worship the ground I walked on; i can't advocate it. I still sometimes wish I'd run a million miles away when I first found out I was pregnant; but I didn't. I wanted my child to have a normal upbringing regardless of how I felt; but she went through hell when OH left us so maybe my initial gut instincts were right all along. They sometimes scream out to me even now..but I feel trapped. Do what is right FOR YOU.

Mojisola

econnin wrote: »

Previous to this, I've told him I wasn't sure about him. It was all too much as he tried to move in to my home by leaving more and more stuff here.

We nearly split up but then I got ill and he helped me through it. Then we went through a very happy patch until about a month ago. I was pregnant at this point.

I know that he knows I am not 100% but he still tries it on. He wants me for life and will just try to please me more to win me round. This is partly why I am up and down. He is never mean to me.

He's obviously keener that you on the relationship.

The worry with you being happy while he tries to "please you more" is that it isn't sustainable. You have to know you will be happy with him when everything settles back to "normal".

He might be a wonderful man who you can grow to love and be happy with. He might be a controlling type who has decided that you are going to be his lifetime partner and won't stop until he achieves that. There's no way for us to know what he's like.