Honest advice please - relationship

FBaby

I can't help but wonder whether OP did want to get pregnant, hence being happy to be with this man, but now that she is, she is realising that she wants the baby but not him. It just seems that the timing of questioning whether to still be with him and the just discovered pregnancy could be linked. Sorry OP if that is not the case, and if it is, it doesn't make you a bad person, but it would mean opening a big can of worms as accepting this baby in your life is also accepting this baby in his life. As their father, he would have the same rights as you and accepting to get pregnant from a man you didn't value as a father, you will have to accept that he might indeed not be the perfect father you would have wanted for your child. Still no point in staying with him if you feel what you have described about him. Would he stay with you if he read what you have written here about him? Does he really know how you feel deep inside?

paulineb_2

econnin wrote: »

Thank you all for your responses.

I'm not sure whether I have fooled him. Sometimes I have been happy and he knows this; other times he has suffocated me and he is aware of this also. I've told him from the start I need space from him and that I felt he has pressurised me into some things but he gets defensive. I fooled myself into thinking I loved him. Really, I think it's both our fault.

There are other issues here which I don't want to touch upon as they are too personal to even put on here. There are other things that worry me about him.

Anyway, I really have found you all very helpful. Thank you all so much.

You arent trapped just because you are pregnant with someones child and the relationship isnt working out.

You can still make decisions as to whether you stay or go. Its also up to you what you decide to do about the baby, whether you keep it or not.

Also, youve not been with this man very long in the scheme of things have you?
It seems as if you wanted a step dad for your son and thats colouring your view about staying or leaving. The wrong step dad is worse than no step dad, thats all I will say.

It might break your heart about your ex and your son but that doesnt mean you should approach relationships looking for a stepdad for your child. Some relationships will work and others wont.

He doesnt live with you? In the scheme of things you arent going to face the upheaval of moving out of someones home or asking them to leave yours.

Is this relationship over? Or are you planning to end it soon?

CH27

You need to make a decision about keeping the baby pronto.
The relationship can be dealt with once you know what you are doing.

marisco_2

Treevo wrote: »

She fooled him?! She wasn't hiding her opinions and pretending to agree with him.

That is exactly what she has done. Not once in the first post did the OP say that she has ever told her partner how she truly feels towards him. Despite it being very apparent that over time she has become more and more disillusioned by her relationship with him. If he had ever been made aware of how she really felt, I doubt very much he would have chosen to have a baby with her.

I don't see how you can think that the OPs partner now doesn't factor into this situation at all, and that he has no rights or say on what happens next. The OP is pregnant with their child. The decision to continue with the pregnancy or terminate should be a joint one. Not something she decides by herself. Can you even begin to imagine how devastated this man would be if informed that the OP was not having their baby with no chance of discussion. Your views on men and how they and their feelings can be so easily discarded, as soon as it no longer suits a woman are horrendous.

FatVonD

marisco wrote: »

I don't see how you can think that the OPs partner now doesn't factor into this situation at all, and that he has no rights or say on what happens next. The OP is pregnant with their child. The decision to continue with the pregnancy or terminate should be a joint one. Not something she decides by herself. Can you even begin to imagine how devastated this man would be if informed that the OP was not having their baby with no chance of discussion.

It's not ideal but the OP is the one that will be carrying the child so ultimately it is her decision.

I agree it would be very upsetting to be told she was terminating the pregnancy (if that's what the OP decides to do) but she doesn't need to tell him that is what she's done.

Mojisola

marisco wrote: »

I don't see how you can think that the OPs partner now doesn't factor into this situation at all, and that he has no rights or say on what happens next. The OP is pregnant with their child. The decision to continue with the pregnancy or terminate should be a joint one. Not something she decides by herself.

Can you even begin to imagine how devastated this man would be if informed that the OP was not having their baby with no chance of discussion.

It's usually best if the couple can discuss what should happen but the final decision has to be the woman's because it's her body.

I'm not minimising the effect it can have on a man - it is his baby, too - but he can't force a woman to continue with the pregnancy.

marisco_2

Ultimately no a man cannot force their partner to continue with a pregnancy. To handle this delicate situation with integrity though would be to discuss everything with him, to allow for a careful and informed decision to be made. To just go behind his back and terminate the pregnancy, without even making him aware that this could happen would be a terrible betrayal. I don't see how many men could come back from that okay, or ever be able to place their trust in a woman again. You would have to have no feelings left for anyone at all to be able to do that to them.

FBaby

FatVonD wrote: »

It's not ideal but the OP is the one that will be carrying the child so ultimately it is her decision.

I agree it would be very upsetting to be told she was terminating the pregnancy (if that's what the OP decides to do) but she doesn't need to tell him that is what she's done.

In a proper, respectful world, when one's wishes doesn't take over what is right to do, the OP would discuss all this with the father and they should agree on where to do from there.

In reality, the easiest way forward if she decided to go for an abortion would be to pretend she miscarried.

I don't think abortion is on the card though.

econnin

Thank you all.

My son has always been priority and we are happy just the two of us. Very happy. I don't want just any step-dad for him at all. But I thought my partner would be a good role model, until the past month where I have witnessed him being short with my son and his child etc and it just, in my mind, is wrong. My child gets upset easily by negativity but he blossoms with positive parenting. This then got me thinking about everything that has happened and reality hit home.

Previous to this, I've told him I wasn't sure about him. It was all too much as he tried to move in to my home by leaving more and more stuff here. We nearly split up but then I got ill and he helped me through it. Then we went through a very happy patch until about a month ago. I was pregnant at this point.

I know that he knows I am not 100% but he still tries it on. He wants me for life and will just try to please me more to win me round. This is partly why I am up and down. He is never mean to me.

I do want another child but always intended to adopt later on as I don't want a baby with just anyone. I really don't know how I have got here but I realise now that it is not right.

You've all been so useful, thank you.

carolan78

marisco wrote: »

I don't see how you can think that the OPs partner now doesn't factor into this situation at all, and that he has no rights or say on what happens next. The OP is pregnant with their child. The decision to continue with the pregnancy or terminate should be a joint one. Not something she decides by herself. Can you even begin to imagine how devastated this man would be if informed that the OP was not having their baby with no chance of discussion. Your views on men and how they and their feelings can be so easily discarded, as soon as it no longer suits a women are horrendous.

He does factor into it but I am a firm believer in if one parent doesn't want the child then the pregnancy should not go ahead. I couldn't think of anything worse than growing up with one parent not wanting me (the resentment would show through I have seen it happen).

I am also a firm believer in mens rights, they should have more say in pregnancies and there outcomes but unfortunately it isn't legal to make a female have abortions so we usually end up with a trapped male not the other way around.

OP in your shoes I would give yourself a few days to really consider the implications of going forward with this pregnancy because one way or another if you continue this man will be in your life forever. From what you have said he doesn't come across as a good father to me, collecting children on time ect is only a very small part of parenting and tbh I think I would rather have a parent that showers me with love and attention and turns up late than a prompt one that doesn't know how to interact.

It does worry me about the personal things you don't want to post. He now sounds a bit sinister in my head.