is his behaviour inappropriate

Mojisola

misssounsure wrote: »

That just how all his friends and family and so he is too...

+ when he was young his mum was very emotional, cried a lot etc etc

Living in such a misogynistic environment, it's not surprising she was frequently reduced to tears!

coolcait

A 'joke' is funny.

A laboured, out-dated and fundamentally untrue stereotype generally isn't funny. Especially when it's on its twentieth outing. Or twenty millionth outing.

It sounds as if your OH and his family are telling you day and daily that they genuinely believe that women are second-class citizens; incapable of rational thought; completely lacking in motor skills and intelligence; and ruled entirely by their hormones.

If they are unwilling to stand up for those beliefs when they are challenged - preferring to pass them off as a 'joke' - that suggests that they are fully aware of the fact that their beliefs are not shared by most other people. And/or totally unaware of what constitutes a 'joke'.

Even if you are willing to put up with your OH's outmoded views. Even if you are willing to collude with him in ignoring the facts about women's capabilities. There must be some boundaries.

For me, the main boundary would be that he doesn't subject any member of my family or my group of friends to his prejudices. So, the car incident with your mum would have been a massive red line.

If my mum hadn't kicked him out of the car there and then - with a jokey remark about neanderthals having a negative effect of the car's systems, so he'd have to walk - I would certainly had a very serious talk with him afterwards. To make sure that he knew exactly where the boundaries lay.

Although, I can't really see myself staying in a relationship where I had to have a talk along the lines of "Can you at least try to pretend that you don't believe in the supremacy of one group over another?"

Dunroamin

Start telling jokes about his small willy and see if he laughs at that.

misssounsure

I should perhaps add that my boyfriends husband was adopted... his birth mother fell pregnant out of wedlock and gave him up ... im wandering if this possibly had a part to play in his dads views!!

marisco_2

misssounsure wrote: »

Lol! this made me chuckle :-) My mother wasnt impressed at all! My boyfriend is actually really clever (Im not trying to defend him!) I think it makes it worse that he is bright but still says these things... it's how he has been brought up unfortunately. That just how all his friends and family and so he is too... + when he was young his mum was very emotional, cried a lot etc etc

If your boyfriend was so bright it wouldn't matter what influences he had been surrounded by whilst he grew up, he would have the ability to think independently and choose whether to be the same or not.

Frith

My now ex-boyfriend made similar jokes. I tried to explain it away that he had been to an all boys boarding school but it was so tiresome.

The first time he ever met my mum, we were talking about something being "near the pawn shop" and he made a weird joke about "was it a pawn shop or a p0rn shop?" :-/

Mind you, he had a funny attitude about women altogether (not saying your boyfriend is the same!) He was either fawning over them and how marvellous they were or he would decide they were man eating sluts. He could never view a woman as just ordinary.

Mojisola

coolcait wrote: »

A laboured, out-dated and fundamentally untrue stereotype generally isn't funny. Especially when it's on its twentieth outing. Or twenty millionth outing.

There's been a lot of sit-coms where all the men are made out to be completely useless. I find these irritating rather than amusing and not a stereotype I wanted my sons to be exposed to too much when they were growing up. As you say - the original premise isn't funny; repeating it endlessly makes it less so.

misssounsure

Mojisola wrote: »

It could have been the last time he got a lift from me unless he showed some recognition of how unwelcome such a comment was!

It's obviously what he's grown up with but he must realise that not many people make comments like that now. Does he change his behaviour at work - if so, why is he able to do that but not change for you?

I dont think he does change his behaviour at work! He once told me that he and another male colleague used to tell one particular female in their dept. that they could tell she was on her period just by looking at her and she ended up paranoid.. he was laughing so hard when he told me this... i almost split up with him there and then....

Mojisola

misssounsure wrote: »

I dont think he does change his behaviour at work! He once told me that he and another male colleague used to tell one particular female in their dept. that they could tell she was on her period just by looking at her and she ended up paranoid.. he was laughing so hard when he told me this... i almost split up with him there and then....

Almost! And the remark to your Mum! And comments to you!

You're more tolerant than I would be. I couldn't live with a bully.

meritaten

misssounsure wrote: »

Lol.. well his dad is like it and as a result he and his brother are like it due to their up-bringing. As for his friends I guess he's just naturally formed friendships with people who have similar views to him! One of his friends is such a sexist pig it is awful.. my boyfriend is no where near as bad as this friend but i do wander if my boyfriend is a lot "worse" when I'm not around and when it is just him and his friend

lol - you really should hear how they talk down the rugby club! to hear them they are masters of the universe! never mind their own households! they are the most sexist pigs imaginable - until you realise that in reality - its nothing of the kind! one of the team used to have to throw his kit out the bedroom window and jump on to the porch roof and 'escape' that way - and regularly got locked out of the house! most of them got grief from 'the little woman' but a few beers with the boys soon got their testosterone levels up ('til they got home). I soon learned its 'all mouth and no trousers')!:)