is his behaviour inappropriate

Callie22

OH's dad was always incredibly sexist - not in a joking way, but in a really nasty mysogynistic way. Eventually, after a number of years of off-colour comments ('does she cook?', 'is she doing enough cleaning?', 'don't let her spend all of your money son'), I snapped and sweetly pointed out that I was better qualified than either him or his son, and earned more than he ever did, so I couldn't be that useless, could I? I don't think it did much for his mysogyny but it certainly shut him up

terra_ferma

Is it just jokes though? Or would it also translate in behaving like a sexist pig who expects you wait on him like a prince, and if he doesn't value women at all maybe even cheat?
Or is he just a very insecure man who feels the need to belittle women all the time, but deep down is a nice bloke?
Maybe you need to talk to him about expectations, if you got married would he expect you to do all the cleaning and the cooking, as well as probably working? And what about having children, would he do his fair share of work then?

*max*

I have to add, I could never be with someone who I find embarrassing. If he did that in front of my family and friends, I would be ashamed on his behalf, and on mine too - because it would mean that I have so little respect for myself that I put up with someone I find disrespectful. How can you live always dreading the next awful "quip"? Once, I would probably let it go after a few words. More than that?

Not happening.

Vicky123

I've had experience of one of those great jokers, always putting the women down but only kidding, he was also extremely house proud.
Didn't take long before the joke became serious, and house proud meant if there's a women around the cleaning is her job, her role in life after all!
He went from being joke a minute, great laugh to mysoginist bully in the time it took to sweep up the confetti.

terra_ferma

misssounsure wrote: »

my boyfriend helps with the cooking and house work as does his father so that is one good thing!!! It is just comments they make not actual actions. If it were actions too then he would have been dumped long ago!!! I do still feel deep down that because the comments are just constant from his dad that it just drives me mad. My boyfriend has reduced his comments alot a he knows it drives me mad but his view deep down is that it is all very funny.. I guess hes not really being himself around me if he is being careful what he says around me .. if Im not with him I expect he continues with his comments as usual

I think this is part of the problem, he helps you, when he should take equal responsibility, helping means you are responsible but he helps and probably expects you to be grateful for that.
You both equally need to eat, you both use the toilet that has to be cleaned etc etc, so why should he be just helping? (unless of course by mutual decision one person works full time and the other doesn't, equal responsibility depends on time available of course).

paddy's_mum

misssounsure wrote: »

My boyfriend has reduced his comments alot

Then there's hope for him yet!

Seriously, on a scale of 1 to 10, encompassing wife beating, domestic violence, gambling, drinking, affairs, debt ... how dangerous is this, provided he's a generous and loyal man otherwise.

Can you not tell him, strongly and privately, that after Conversation Day has occurred, he will be pulled up for his remarks and should just laugh it off, as he expects the women in his life to do.

Does he realise that sexist remarks could lose him his job?

terra_ferma

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Seriously, on a scale of 1 to 10, encompassing wife beating, domestic violence, gambling, drinking, affairs, debt ... how dangerous is this, provided he's a generous and loyal man otherwise.

you seem to have a very low opinion of men, what about those considerate, caring men who treat their partner with respect, and interact on an equal basis?
this is part of the problem, many women have too low expectations of men, and end up being too tolerant with the wrong type of man. If you follow that logic you could say 'well he only slaps me occasionally when he's very drunk, but he's very nice the rest of the time, it could be worse..'

misssounsure

terra_ferma wrote: »

Is it just jokes though? Or would it also translate in behaving like a sexist pig who expects you wait on him like a prince, and if he doesn't value women at all maybe even cheat?
Or is he just a very insecure man who feels the need to belittle women all the time, but deep down is a nice bloke?
Maybe you need to talk to him about expectations, if you got married would he expect you to do all the cleaning and the cooking, as well as probably working? And what about having children, would he do his fair share of work then?

It's the second, he is deep down a really nice guy and is great in all other ways... he doesn't expect me to wait on him etc etc.. it is just comments/jokes he makes.. he is actually great with cooking and around the house and never expects me to be doing this, that or the other. What it boils down to his that he says his whole childhood he was told that girls arent just as good as boys, girls are better than boys etc etc... he feels men are now actually discriminated against . His view is that he has been told that girls are just as good as boys, ef not better! And that this is not true... women are NOT as good as men when it comes to sport, strength etc etc....It is also just a thing in his family and where he is from that they just crack these jokes all the time...

Also when I said he "helps" me with the housework I worded it badly!! He is great around the house and contributes equally! He does his fair share of cooking, cleaning etc.. hes not a bully and doesn't treat me badly at all.. he is just a little patronising and its his character/who he is to crack these jokes all the time... he doesn't actually act like a pig in terms of expecting me to do certain things (cook, clean etc). Hes a really fantastic guy in every other way. In fact he is very polite when hes not cracking jokes! I do find it frustrating though knowing that he has certain views on women (they arent as good in high pressured jobs in his opinion because they are too emotional etc )

Frogletina

My daughter's boyfriend, when he visited me for the first time since they started dating, was reading aloud 'jokes' he had been sent on his phone. I have to say that I was not amused by them or him. I have no idea what my daughter thought of it - I hoped she would have told him that it was really not appropriate. To be honest - he has not impressed me at all on any level.

Sensibility

from your first post, it sounds as if he now realises he has gone too far with his 'jokes' and is trying to tone it down now a bit. The real test is if he now carries on with these jokes knowing that it upsets you or if he changes for the better.

His family are obviously another matter and it may put a strain on your relationship if his family have rather a different sense of humour than you and different boundaries of what is and what is not acceptable.