is his behaviour inappropriate

misssounsure

kitrat wrote: »

I know it's not quite so comparable but it would be a bit like someone constantly making racist jokes, claiming it was just a joke and meant nothing. Or jokes about you being fat or something. But if it's constant, is it nothing? It's incredibly insulting and annoying anyway.

And I'd be furious if he made a 'joke' like that to my Mum. Honestly, have some respect!

His dad "jokingly" points out pregnant woman and says "shes fat" when clearly she is heavily pregnant

FBaby

My OH is exactly like this. It makes me smile because he is the only one of the guys I have been out to act like that, yet he is by far the most respectful of the person that I am and in every day life, the least sexist man I know. At the beginning, I would rise to it a bit, we've now been together for almost 5 months and all he gets from me is a raised eyebrow.

I am marrying him in three weeks time because he is a wonderful man and I know how hard they are to come by. This matter is so insignificant in light of everything about him that makes me feel secure that it is very easy to ignore and of course, like everything that is ignored, it goes away. He just doesn't find it as amusing to say it to be any longer because he gets no reaction back.

Honestly, if he is a good man in other way, just let it go and ignore it.

Mojisola

misssounsure wrote: »

My mum thought he was patronising with that comment. In general though she thinks hes a lovely guy but sees that he can be patronising!

It could have been the last time he got a lift from me unless he showed some recognition of how unwelcome such a comment was!

It's obviously what he's grown up with but he must realise that not many people make comments like that now. Does he change his behaviour at work - if so, why is he able to do that but not change for you?

kitrat

misssounsure wrote: »

His dad "jokingly" points out pregnant woman and says "shes fat" when clearly she is heavily pregnant

Ugh. I think what Ribena said, can you imagine living with him, running a household together, having children together with that level of respect he's learnt from his Dad? I'd cut your losses now, easier said than done I know.

meritaten

but that is only words. You can tell far more by actions..........for example, does his dad have his wife wait on him hand and foot? Do the men/boys in the family share the household chores? do they know how to cook and clean - or are helpless without a woman to do it for them?

if they do just joke about it then maybe its a 'thing' of thiers? but if the men are stereo Rab Nesbitt types then I would say - look elsewhere!

Mojisola

meritaten wrote: »

but that is only words. You can tell far more by actions..........for example, does his dad have his wife wait on him hand and foot? Do the men/boys in the family share the household chores? do they know how to cook and clean - or are helpless without a woman to do it for them?

if they do just joke about it then maybe its a 'thing' of thiers? but if the men are stereo Rab Nesbitt types then I would say - look elsewhere!

Words can be very wearing - especially when, if you object to any comments, you get told that's it's just a joke - time after time.

I agree with the rest of your post - it would be interesting if their actions are different - although I don't think I could commit myself to a lifetime of meeting up with this family.

As kitrat says - think of trying to explain to your children that it's not alright for them to say the same things even though Daddy and Grandad do it all the time!

*max*

misssounsure wrote: »

The icing on the cake was when my boyfriend met my family for the first time and he cracked a joke about female pilots on their periods crashing planes at certain times of the month. He was then 'jokingly' patronising to my mum when she drove us home one day but stalled.. he said "there, there.... you can do it dear"

If my boyfriend said anything like it my mum, I can assure you there would have been strong words exchanged! I can put up with stupidity when it's directed at me (most of the time, although don't make a habit of it), but talk to my mum (brother/nephew/friend) that way, and you're out on your a$$ faster than you can say "time of the month". Total disrespect.

To me, it also shows that person to be actually quite stupid, if they can't grasp that what they're saying is not appropriate (especially the first time meeting the parents! I mean, seriously?). And I couldn't be with someone stupid.

misssounsure

Mojisola wrote: »

Words can be very wearing - especially when, if you object to any comments, you get told that's it's just a joke - time after time.

I agree with the rest of your post - it would be interesting if their actions are different - although I don't think I could commit myself to a lifetime of meeting up with this family.

As kitrat says - think of trying to explain to your children that it's not alright for them to say the same things even though Daddy and Grandad do it all the time!

my boyfriend helps with the cooking and house work as does his father so that is one good thing!!! It is just comments they make not actual actions. If it were actions too then he would have been dumped long ago!!! I do still feel deep down that because the comments are just constant from his dad that it just drives me mad. My boyfriend has reduced his comments alot a he knows it drives me mad but his view deep down is that it is all very funny.. I guess hes not really being himself around me if he is being careful what he says around me .. if Im not with him I expect he continues with his comments as usual

carefullycautious

It would drive me nuts. And if he said that to my mum he would have been out of the car pronto.

I find anyone who is constantly joking (it doesn't matter what the subject) a nightmare to be with as you can never have a serious conversation with them.

Mojisola

misssounsure wrote: »

my boyfriend helps with the cooking and house work as does his father so that is one good thing!!! It is just comments they make not actual actions. If it were actions too then he would have been dumped long ago!!!

I do still feel deep down that because the comments are just constant from his dad that it just drives me mad. My boyfriend has reduced his comments alot a he knows it drives me mad but his view is that it is all very funny

There's hope for him then. It just depends on whether you can stand it.