is his behaviour inappropriate

January20

misssounsure wrote: »

I agree!!! I think I need to listen to myself and not my mother! Her view when I asked her is yes he has his downsides but he's stopped the comments around her as he knows we don't find it acceptable..she thinks he's is so great in so many other ways that I should overlook this but the problem is I cant. I think you are right in that wanting my partner to respect women should be considered a basic requirement and not me being picky or high standards

There are worse things than being single and if you want proof, you just have to spend a bit of time on this board to have it sadly :-(

In any case, what is wrong with not wanting to settle for second best?

quidsy

misssounsure wrote: »

Because of his great qualities and all the fantastic things about him. + scared I would end it and regret it... Also it was one comment at that time... Most men crack the odd sexist joke don't they...its just the build up of it all and how constant it is

No, most men don't. Not in my experience ayway. My dad was a 6ft5in biker and he was the most gentlemanly man you would come across. Impecible manners and took great effort in punishing a man who made a derogatory comment to my mum when she was out with my infant sister one time.

He raised 2 daughters to have respect for themselves and to expect respect from our partners. There are plenty men around who dont need to belittle women in order to satisfy their issues but until you start expecting to be treated with respect why would a guy like this bother.

misssounsure

paulineb wrote: »

Id like to know a few things if thats ok. What are his good qualities?
Where did you meet? Im assuming it wasnt through friends as youve said all his mates are sexist.

And what age is he?

We through an online dating site. The first date I was very impressed by him... Noexist jokes nothing.... He has an interesting job and is knowledgeable (he's 32) in the winter when it was freezing he would do things like scrape the snow off my car, bring me tea in bed as he's an early riser. He is knowledgeable re technology and spent hours sorting my slow laptop out for me. If we are out and I'm driving, I pull in for fuel and he will just go and pay for it. He loves to go on long walks, mde an amazing picnic and took me out for the day as a surpiruse. He's proactive and likes to plan nice day trips, weekends away.

misssounsure

January20 wrote: »

There are worse things than being single and if you want proof, you just have to spend a bit of time on this board to have it sadly :-(

In any case, what is wrong with not wanting to settle for second best?

ABecause I want marriage and kids. i don't want to be single, I want marriage, kids etc. If I don't have kids I would be heartbroken. I see single friends nearing late 30s and saying they're still single as been too picky, now they feel they need to find someone asap as they want kids ... Maybe if they hhadnt written off so many great guys just because they weren't perfect they would be in a happy relationship by now instead of being nearly40 and still single and panicking.I want to move on and eventually meet someone else but I'm scared I won't... Don't want to split up and regret it in years to come

January20

misssounsure wrote: »

We through an online dating site. The first date I was very impressed by him... Noexist jokes nothing.... He has an interesting job and is knowledgeable (he's 32) in the winter when it was freezing he would do things like scrape the snow off my car, bring me tea in bed as he's an early riser. He is knowledgeable re technology and spent hours sorting my slow laptop out for me. If we are put and I'm driving, I pull in for fuel and he will just go and pay for it. He loves to go on long walks, made an amazing picnic and took me out for the day as a surpiruse. He's proactive and likes to plan nice day trips, weekends away.

Do you have any information about any of his previous relationships?

FBaby

misssounsure wrote: »

He's just so great In all other ways though...I know no one is perfect
and I worry I'll end it and maybe never meet anyone else who has his great qualities....kind caring generous interesting and does so much for me just cos he's kind etc. But then I guess I need to accept that a future person may not have all his qualities but won't have his bad points!! I think I worry as I see some friends who have been single for years because they are too picky! Wanting a perfect partner etc...but I guess theres a difference between having high standards and being too picky

I didn't post further as it became clear that my views were not that of anyone here (for a change!). The above is exactly my point. This forum is full of women who love to make a point that no man unless absolutely perfect are worthy of a relationship. I clearly live in another world where the best relationships are those where compromise rather than perfection is of flavour.

Having read a few more of your posts, the question is how much of his words is pure banter as he would engage in with his male friends and how much it reflects some underlying views on female. As I've said, my partner is the least sexist man I know. I earn the same amount as him and even it wouldn't bother him at all if I earnt more. He makes occasional comments about woman drivers, but then feel asleep when I was driving abroad in one of the most dangerous road in the country! Unlike what others have stated, my OH was privately educated and brought up by his mum who expected him to help in every way around the house.

Of course there is a limit to it. If it was all the time, I probably would get bored in an annoyed way, but it isn't the case any longer. If it had really got to me, I would have told him and asked if he could refrain from such comments in front of me and expected him to appreciate my request, but it was much easier to ignore it and get on with it.

I wonder what the responses would be if a man came here saying that he is bored to death of his girlfriend constantly pestering him asking if she looks good in this or that, if she should colour her hair this shade or other, getting cross when he respond honestly, and that it is really starting to get to him. Would they say that he should dump her?

I know people are going to say that it is not the same as the above is not sexist, however, that is the point, is your boyfriend ACTUALLY sexist. If his words reflects his views on women, then definitely yes, that would be worrying, but if it doesn't at all, and the only issue is that it annoys you, then I think it is not much different to the situation above, a matter of either ignoring and going along with, or discussing and finding a compromise.

Dumping a good man because he says stupid things when everything else is great seems mad to me, having gone through 5 years of being single and knowing how hard it is to find a man with good values who treats you well. My view and clearly mine only

paulineb_2

misssounsure wrote: »

ABecause I want marriage and kids. i don't want to be single, I want marriage, kids etc. If I don't have kids I would be heartbroken. I see single friends nearing late 30s and saying they're still single as been too picky, now they feel they need to find someone asap as they want kids ... Maybe if they hhadnt written off so many great guys just because they weren't perfect they would be in a happy relationship by now instead of being nearly40 and still single and panicking

So you think its better to marry someone you arent sure about so you can have kids and be married than be single?

Im not married and I dont have kids but I can assure you, the guys I left werent great, thats why I left them. And if Id stayed with them my life would have been miserable.

I think you need to take the rose tinted specs off, because if you have convinced yourself your relationship is happy, I think you are fooling yourself. Im not trying to say that parts of it arent good, but this issue is bothering you.

But its down to you, if you can ignore these jokes and attitudes, fine. However, you know what you're going to be getting if you stay with him, just be aware that his values might rub off on the children you plan to have.

Like his fathers have on him.

paulineb_2

FBaby wrote: »

I didn't post further as it became clear that my views were not that of anyone here (for a change!). The above is exactly my point. This forum is full of women who love to make a point that no man unless absolutely perfect are worthy of a relationship. I clearly live in another world where the best relationships are those where compromise rather than perfection is of flavour.

Having read a few more of your posts, the question is how much of his words is pure banter as he would engage in with his male friends and how much it reflects some underlying views on female. As I've said, my partner is the least sexist man I know. I earn the same amount as him and even it wouldn't bother him at all if I earnt more. He makes occasional comments about woman drivers, but then feel asleep when I was driving abroad in one of the most dangerous road in the country! Unlike what others have stated, my OH was privately educated and brought up by his mum who expected him to help in every way around the house.

Of course there is a limit to it. If it was all the time, I probably would get bored in an annoyed way, but it isn't the case any longer. If it had really got to me, I would have told him and asked if he could refrain from such comments in front of me and expected him to appreciate my request, but it was much easier to ignore it and get on with it.

I wonder what the responses would be if a man came here saying that he is bored to death of his girlfriend constantly pestering him asking if she looks good in this or that, if she should colour her hair this shade or other, getting cross when he respond honestly, and that it is really starting to get to him. Would they say that he should dump her?

I know people are going to say that it is not the same as the above is not sexist, however, that is the point, is your boyfriend ACTUALLY sexist. If his words reflects his views on women, then definitely yes, that would be worrying, but if it doesn't at all, and the only issue is that it annoys you, then I think it is not much different to the situation above, a matter of either ignoring and going along with, or discussing and finding a compromise.

Dumping a good man because he says stupid things when everything else is great seems mad to me, having gone through 5 years of being single and knowing how hard it is to find a man with good values who treats you well. My view and clearly mine only

This mans words do seem to reflect his view on women, from the comments the OP has made and the incident with the female colleague.

Id agree that dumping someone because of one thing when everything else is good would seem mad

But Im not sure that being sexist, having such views of women that jokes are being cracked towards the OPs mum, laughing at a female colleague because you seem to think you can tell she is on her period and laughing so hard you nearly wet yourself when you tell the story is someone with particularly good values

Respect is a massive deal and if you dont respect women in general how are you going to respect the one you are in a relationship with

Ive been single the best part of 8 years now, but Id rather be on my own than have to have one issue in a relationship that I had to put up with or shut up about

Particularly when it sounds like he goes on about his views on women constantly.

misssounsure

January20 wrote: »

Do you have any information about any of his previous relationships?

Yes..he's never had a very long term one before... Not really said why... I think I know why!!!!!

paulineb_2

misssounsure wrote: »

Yes..he's never had a very long term one before... Not really said why... I think I know why!!!!!

Are you prepared to put up with all this to be in a relationship?

And apart from his views is this relationship heading towards marriage anyway?