is his behaviour inappropriate

paulineb_2

misssounsure wrote: »

Totally agree. Except I think he does deep down think they're inferior. He said once hes like he is cos his whole life at school, on tv progs etc there was this constant telling girls they are just as good as boys etc, not just as good but better etc... He says its not true. Girls/ women aren't better than men. I can see his pov. Women were oppressed for years , now the pendulum is swinging a bit too much the other way ... In his work if u are a female, black, lesbian u will be more likely to get a promotion than a straight white male

You can see his point of view? Do you know how much women were oppressed in times gone by?

The pendulum isnt swinging a bit too much the other way if you actually do some reading about how difficult life has been for women over the centuries

And what on earth has positive discrimination in the workplace towards people who are black or gay have to do with his views?
Nothing.

People with an ounce of intelligence who wanted to use it would actually go and do some investigation into womens issues and not just repeat parrot fashion what his dad has told him.

I couldnt be with someone that blinkered, but I also couldnt be with someone who couldnt think for themselves and instead of spouting off nonsense, actually backed up what they were saying with some facts and figures.

And dear god, you think that some of the stuff hes saying, that he has a point?

If you think he has a point what exactly is the problem?

Lunar_Eclipse

FBaby wrote: »

1) This forum is full of women who love to make a point that no man unless absolutely perfect are worthy of a relationship.

2) I earn the same amount as him and even it wouldn't bother him at all if I earnt more. He makes occasional comments about woman drivers, but then feel asleep when I was driving abroad in one of the most dangerous road in the country!

3) is your boyfriend ACTUALLY sexist.

Sorry, I don't know how to multi quote

1 - I haven't noticed that. We all know perfect doesn't exist in anyone. (I have noticed very extreme parenting though: Hitler v Andy Pandy.)

2 - Interesting point. I don't see how income level would affect sexism though. Until I stopped working, I earnt (substantially) more than my husband, but never really thought about it since it was down to luck of career choice and differing levels of ambition as opposed to our gender. I know men earn more statistically, but why should it bother anyone?

3 - In terms of knowing if someone is actually sexist, that can be very hard to determine. Actions speak louder than words, but why would anyone, male or female want to come across as sexist (via their words) if they weren't? It's hardly a trait worth faking.

barbiedoll

OP, you should sit your boyfriend down and talk to him. Maybe start by saying...

"Ok, we know why your dad hates all women, what's your excuse?"

All of this stuff about school and hearing how girls are better than boys is a load of rubbish, unless he went to a girls school. He's just selecting memories and repeating what his dad has drummed into him for years, if he can't break the cycle then you may well be better off without him. You need to let him know, loud and clear, that his views are outdated, wrong and offensive to half of the population. Of course most women are physically "weaker" than most men, but if all men are so strong, why is your BF not playing football for Man Utd? Or competing against Usain Bolt in the 100m? All men are not equal, any more than all women are, there are lots of women who would be more than capable of kicking his @ss at plenty of physical activities.

If you want to make a go of this relationship, you need to let him know that things have to change. You will need to educate him and to retrain him to think for himself, not to just parrot his dad's sexist views. It's very sad that his dad's mother abandoned him at birth but she most likely had very good reasons for doing so, and quite probably did it with her child's best interests at heart. You should let your boyfriend know that it is too late to stop his dad from living out the rest of his life in a haze of bitterness and anger but that he can change his outlook and learn how to respect everyone, regardless of gender.

I'd definitely try to get him away from his "mates" if you can. Spend more time with other friends, and refuse to go out with him to places where his friends will be. And tell him why, you shouldn't have to spend your leisure time with boring @ssholes who wouldn't know a decent conversation if it kicked them in the groin.

If you hear any more stupid sexist comments from him, ignore, ignore, ignore. Don't laugh, just completely ignore it. If any of his friends say anything that offends you, try coming back with..."Oh gosh, did you really just say that? You really are an idiot, aren't you?" and then turn and speak to someone else. If we all show idiots like this the contempt they deserve, maybe they'll learn what is acceptable behaviour and what is not.

Mojisola

misssounsure wrote: »

In his work if u are a female, black, lesbian u will be more likely to get a promotion than a straight white male

I find this hard to believe. Are all his bosses female, black or lesbian? If not, how did the white males get their promotions?

I don't suppose his lack of promotion could have something to do with his attitude to women?:)

What kind of a manager would he be if he had women working in his team?

misssounsure

paulineb wrote: »

You can see his point of view? Do you know how much women were oppressed in times gone by?

The pendulum isnt swinging a bit too much the other way if you actually do some reading about how difficult life has been for women over the centuries

And what on earth has positive discrimination in the workplace towards people who are black or gay have to do with his views?
Nothing.

People with an ounce of intelligence who wanted to use it would actually go and do some investigation into womens issues and not just repeat parrot fashion what his dad has told him.

I couldnt be with someone that blinkered, but I also couldnt be with someone who couldnt think for themselves and instead of spouting off nonsense, actually backed up what they were saying with some facts and figures.

And dear god, you think that some of the stuff hes saying, that he has a point?

If you think he has a point what exactly is the problem?

I don't see his point re any of his sexism and "jokes" etc. I just see his point that in his work place white men are effectively discriminated sometimes because women are promoted simply because in his work they are very pro equality so they like to promote groups of people who were discriminated against in the past... Black people, gay people and women. His work have done so much to cut discrimination that it is a fact that if u are black or gay or a woman u will more likely get promoted than a straight white male .for me personally its annoying as it doesnt help womens causes! (We want to get the job cos CIS we are bestr at the job not gt it cos we are female and it makes the stats look . sorry for mistakes I'm writing on my phone and it won't let me correct spelling etc mistakes!!

Dunroamin

misssounsure wrote: »

I don't see his point re any of his sexism and "jokes" etc. I just see his point that in his work place white men are effectively discriminated sometimes because women are promoted simply because in his work they are very pro equality so they like to promote groups of people who were discriminated against in the past... Black people, gay people and women. His work have done so much to cut discrimination that it is a fact that if u are black or gay or a woman u will more likely get promoted than a straight white male .for me personally its annoying as it doesnt help womens causes! (We want to get the job CIS we are best person for the job not get it cos we are female and it makes the stats look good!

I'm not going to carry on arguing - you sound as if you're made for each other!

Heaven help your children!:(

January20

misssounsure wrote: »

I desperately want to be a mum one day and yes I would rather have kids with the wrong person than not at all... That may sound awful and selfish etc but I'm an extremely maternal person, been broody since I was very young.

Do you realise how selfish that sounds?
So in order to fulfil your need to have children, you would have them with any man, regardless of how unhappy you AND YOUR CHILDREN might be?

You are ONLY in your thirties, aren't you? Stop looking at your friends who has failed to find a husband yet. Stop listening to your mother. Stop listening to your need for children and start thinking more logically and less emotionally about your situation.

The more I read your posts defending your boyfriend's sexist attitude and the more I'm losing sympathy for you, so I'm going to leave this thread, because clearly I don't have the same view and experience of life as you have, and I'm a generation older than you. It seems he has quite brainwashed you in thinking that the world is biased towards women. You are both so wrong!

paulineb_2

Mojisola wrote: »

I find this hard to believe. Are all his bosses female, black or lesbian? If not, how did the white males get their promotions?

I don't suppose his lack of promotion could have something to do with his attitude to women?:)

What kind of a manager would he be if he had women working in his team?

As someone who was promoted twice in the job I used to do, I got both promotions because I was good at what I did.

Him saying stuff like that just devalues the effort that women put into their career.

I also totally agree with the comment about strength. Im a fitness instructor, my brother is a personal trainer. Hes fitter than me, he could kick my backside in just about every single exercise class we might do together.

And there are people who come to my classes who are fitter than me.

But there are also people who havent exercised for years who probably would struggle to do ten minutes of certain classes I teach.

Strength and fitness ability is individual. Just because men and women dont compete against one another in a lot of sports doesnt mean men are automatically great at everything they do and women are terrible.

He sounds like a desperately unhappy person, because you would need to be, to bang on and on about that guff all the time and not have grown out of it by your early 30s

misssounsure

barbiedoll wrote: »

OP, you should sit your boyfriend down and talk to him. Maybe start by saying...

"Ok, we know why your dad hates all women, what's your excuse?"

All of this stuff about school and hearing how girls are better than boys is a load of rubbish, unless he went to a girls school. He's just selecting memories and repeating what his dad has drummed into him for years, if he can't break the cycle then you may well be better off without him. You need to let him know, loud and clear, that his views are outdated, wrong and offensive to half of the population. Of course most women are physically "weaker" than most men, but if all men are so strong, why is your BF not playing football for Man Utd? Or competing against Usain Bolt in the 100m? All men are not equal, any more than all women are, there are lots of women who would be more than capable of kicking his @ss at plenty of physical activities.

If you want to make a go of this relationship, you need to let him know that things have to change. You will need to educate him and to retrain him to think for himself, not to just parrot his dad's sexist views. It's very sad that his dad's mother abandoned him at birth but she most likely had very good reasons for doing so, and quite probably did it with her child's best interests at heart. You should let your boyfriend know that it is too late to stop his dad from living out the rest of his life in a haze of bitterness and anger but that he can change his outlook and learn how to respect everyone, regardless of gender.

I'd definitely try to get him away from his "mates" if you can. Spend more time with other friends, and refuse to go out with him to places where his friends will be. And tell him why, you shouldn't have to spend your leisure time with boring @ssholes who wouldn't know a decent conversation if it kicked them in the groin.

If you hear any more stupid sexist comments from him, ignore, ignore, ignore. Don't laugh, just completely ignore it. If any of his friends say anything that offends you, try coming back with..."Oh gosh, did you really just say that? You really are an idiot, aren't you?" and then turn and speak to someone else. If we all show idiots like this the contempt they deserve, maybe they'll learn what is acceptable behaviour and what is not.

Thanks, I can't be bothered re training him though and I don't think its even possible! He has stopped the comments around me but says things when I'm out of earshot.... I can't be with someone like this .. always wandering what he saying. Even if he stops saying things he still thinks these things

paulineb_2

misssounsure wrote: »

I don't see his point re any of his sexism and "jokes" etc. I just see his point that in his work place white men are effectively discriminated sometimes because women are promoted simply because in his work they are very pro equality so they like to promote groups of people who were discriminated against in the past... Black people, gay people and women. His work have done so much to cut discrimination that it is a fact that if u are black or gay or a woman u will more likely get promoted than a straight white male .for me personally its annoying as it doesnt help womens causes! (We want to get the job cos CIS we are bestr at the job not gt it cos we are female and it makes the stats look . sorry for mistakes I'm writing on my phone and it won't let me correct spelling etc mistakes!!

As I said, I got every promotion I got because I was the best person for the job

And I was also turned down for several because I wasnt the best person for the job, that is just the way it goes.

His work are trying to do something about certain groups being discriminated against? Good. Thats a positive thing.

Because no one should be discriminated against in the first place because they are black, gay, female or disabled as well.

Thats the point. No one should have an unfair advantage against another person. And if positive discrimination is going too far and the wrong people are getting jobs simply because they fall into a certain category, all I can say is, over years of interviewing people for jobs, the successful candidates were the ones who impressed most in interviews, no more and no less.