Fathers access to my 8 month old baby

shegirl

duchy wrote: »

Possibly because there are domestic abuse issues as mentioned in the first post ?

As Mums we are programed to protect our babies -if the OP feels (correctly or otherwise) that the NRP has no interest in the child -then not wanting contact especially with a baby rather than a child is entirely natural ...if perhaps not very practical.

The domestic abuse issues couldn't be that great if she was inviting him to her home for contact and all she can moan about is 'he was flirty and doing my head in'

gingin_2

pyjamadays wrote: »

he's a very clingy baby & would be heartbroken if I were to leave him for an hour!

That's a really daft thing to say, of course he wouldn't. Turn it around and be honest say "I am a clingy mummy and I really would be heartbroken if I were to leave him for an hour". Don't project your vulnerabilities on to him, it's one of the most selfish things a parent can do.

I say this aside from the contact issue as I think it's so hard to offer advice on this sort of thing when it's as serious as domestic abuse being mentioned, a child potentially having no father in their life and that we are only hearing one side.

pyjamadays

yes there was a domestic abuse issue. I'm not going into it any further because as usual I get shot down by people for trying to do the right thing. I don't know why I bother with this forum because everyone is negatively judgemental and unhelpful, but that's only to be expected from people that don't know the situation properly.

I wanted helpful advice & support but as usual left feeling like a crap mother that's not looking after her children properly.

My baby would be heartbroken & so would I, I would do anything to protect him & if that means he doesn't leave my side then I don't care what anyone else thinks.
Goodbye.

FBaby

You might be totally right in how things are currently. However, what you need to keep into perspective is that your child has another 17 years and 4 months to be expected to be looked after by both his parents, and of course, it then goes beyond. You BOTH will at least in theory be parents for many many years to come. This means that even if indeed, he has so far been a complete utter rubbish father, that doesn’t mean that he will always be and therefore doesn’t mean that it justifiable to remove all contact so early in your baby’s life.

It is quite normal even when fathers act wonderfully that a baby this age is more attached to its mother. It is also natural that the main carer (so usually the mother) might be more responsive to the child’s need. That doesn’t make the other parent a bad one, and doesn’t mean that they might actually become a more responsive parent years later.

Unless the father is putting your child’s life at risk (and you need to be objective about this, it is not because he is a problem with you that it means he would be damaging your child), you, as a mother wanting the best for their child should be encouraging, or least not put anything in the way of the father building a relationship with his child. And of course, there is a chance that the more he gets to bond with his child, the better father he learns to become.

LannieDuck

Do you have any family around who could supervise contact? Would your Mum come over for the odd hour while your ex visits his son and that way you could go out for the morning?

Failing that, I think a contact centre is the best way forward for you.

Tiddlywinks

pyjamadays wrote: »

It's MY son, when he lived here for the first 12 weeks of his life he paid no attention to him, did nothing with him, never got up in the night or mornings. Slept all day or played his computer game, MY son didn't know him so always cried with him. So biologically he's our son...but as I have done every single thing for MY baby since the day he was born he will continue to be only MY son as far as I'm concerned.

To just outright cut your son off from his father is CRUEL and SELFISH... No excuses.

Your son has another parent - start accepting that.

pyjamadays wrote: »

Yes I meant gut!! I haven't ever left my son with anyone before so leaving him with his dad is out the question right now! Because its just been me & him along with my other 2 more grown up kids (who hate this guy) he's a very clingy baby & would be heartbroken if I were to leave him for an hour!

You also owe it to your son to help him become more independent from you...

'Heartbroken' is a strong term to use - you appear to have personal issues which you are projecting onto your baby.

Babies will cry sometimes when mum is first not around but they get over it pretty quickly when they realise someone else is there instead.

You owe it to you child to set your feelings to one side and do right by him rather than thinking this is all about you!


P.S. if your other children genuinely felt hatred for this new man, why choose to have a baby with him?

You helped to create this new family unit, now you have to make it work.

shegirl

Oh,I've just realised who the op is!!!!! You're the one who didn't like their partners child coming to stay because he wasn't on par with his peers-in nappies,using a bottle etc.That was a mighty thread.

In that thread you constantly criticised the childs mother for not doing the right thing for her childs development.I suggest you consider that..

TopQuark

pyjamadays wrote: »

left feeling like a crap mother that's not looking after her children properly.

Sorry, but you are being a crap mother if you are deliberately preventing your child from seeing his father because of your own issues with him.

Games like these f**k people's lives up, try to remember that.

thorsoak

I haven't read the whole of this thread - not getting involved in all the whys and wherefores.

My suggestion is that if your HV is away for several weeks, that you contact your DV worker (you say there has been involvement) and ask if s/he can tell you if there are any contact centres close by, where you can drop the baby off, Dad can have supervised contact for 1-2 hours, and you collect baby without seeing dad. If you haven't had a DV worker, why not give Womens Aid a ring? They might be able to make suggestions.

Gigervamp

pyjamadays wrote: »

Yes I meant gut!! I haven't ever left my son with anyone before so leaving him with his dad is out the question right now! Because its just been me & him along with my other 2 more grown up kids (who hate this guy) he's a very clingy baby & would be heartbroken if I were to leave him for an hour!

You're making a rod for your own back there. If you don't leave him with anyone else, he will become a clingy child too.