How to meet people with Christian values for a relationship?

daisiegg

Wow, ok, loads of things to respond to! Let me try and see if I can clarify some stuff.

1) Friend doesn't NOT want to date Christians, by any means - friend just doesn't necessarily want to meet someone through a specifically church related activity, through concern that the person may have a huge interest in the Church and it might form a large part of their life, which it doesn't for friend. I'm sure friend would RATHER date a Christian than a non-Christian in fact; but not one who considers their Church to be the main part of their life, attends activities multiple times a week, etc.

2) Yes, friend is Catholic. The Catholic Church friend belongs to is pretty non-demonstrative. Friend is not a demonstrative person and would feel very uncomfortable with someone who was into lots of singing and clapping, praying out loud, etc. Friend's faith is important to them, but they see it as a private thing between them and God.

3) Leading on from that, friend is NOT judgemental. Friend has friends who are Muslim, Jewish, Catholic, other more 'happy clappy' (for want of a better phrase) Christian denomination, non-religious, gay, etc. It is not judgemental to know that you don't want a relationship with a particular type of person - friend just knows they wouldn't fit in with someone who was hugely into a very demonstrative form of Christian faith, and wanted to attend loads of Church events, etc.

4) 'Desperate' was my phrasing. Friend wouldn't come across as 'desperate' to members of the opposite sex. In fact most people who know friend would assume they are happy as larry being single. They also assume, because friend is actually very attractive, that friend must get loads of offers and is just taking their time. Sadly this isn't the case; I don't know why. It is only because we are close that I know they would actually really love a relationship and described them as being 'desperate' for it. I think there is a difference between desperately wanting something and being a desperate person!

5) The alcohol thing is in no way related to religion, just friend's personal preference. Friend also doesn't love being around people who are drinking a lot, which I know is a self-imposed limitation and something they should try to get over.

6) As for the sex thing, I'm pretty sure friend wouldn't mind if they fell in love with someone who wasn't a virgin. In fact, despite what some people have concluded, friend is a very non-judgemental person; holds strong personal ideals but does not expect everyone else to conform to them. It's just that the person they dated would need to accept that friend wouldn't be sleeping with them at first - and probably not for a long time, possibly not until marriage, but certainly not until the relationship was established as being very long-term and serious.

7) For those who were debating over whether friend is or isn't hugely religious - friend is fairly religious, but in a very quiet and private way. They are reserved about it and see it as a personal thing. They do not preach to others or try to convert anyone and probably wouldn't mesh very well with someone who did.

8) For those who are thinking that friend must be physically unattractive, I really can assure you this really isn't the case.

9) For those wondering why it is so hard to meet people generally - would it help to know that friend is a junior doctor, with all the associated horrendously long shifts, etc. Friend also attended Cambridge, which has a HUGE drinking culture (though you may not be aware of it if you didn't go there/know someone who did) so friend found it very difficult not only to meet people of the opposite sex, but also just to make friends. Friend's good friends mostly ended up being Chinese, who were the people who were most like friend in terms of being studious, reserved, non-drinking etc, but now these have all gone home to China and friend has few friends left!

Phew! I think that may have covered it all. I must say I am a bit surprised by some of the really judgemental attitudes some people have displayed, and the assumptions that have been made. Thank you to those who have tried to help!

daisiegg

Treevo wrote: »

She needs to just get out there, though I should say that she probably shouldn't pretend that she's too good for the 'happy clappy' when they're probably the only type to share her 'values'.

Is it possible that she's using her values to avoid dating? Because it sounds as if she feels she's left it too late and now is using the values as an excuse to lock someone down before they can leave her, and so this is why she's dismissive of those who share her values and actually, she just wants someone who will tolerate her values but not share them. The word 'values' has now lost all meaning to me.

Amuses me that you have assumed it's a she!

miss_independent

daisiegg wrote: »

Amuses me that you have assumed it's a she!

If she is a "he" can you put him in touch with me as we sound perfect for each other lol!

miss_independent

In all seriousness, Lourdes would be a good suggestion. Most Dioceses hold an annual pilgrimage to Lourdes and need Medical staff to volunteer to go and help with sick pilgrims. Most are Catholic, some are not. Lourdes isn't happy clappy and they will get to meet people their own age from their own area with similar values (although sadly some people do go to Lourdes and get drunk). Lots of people I know met in Lourdes and go year after year. Also, in terms of relationships and shyness, it's really no pressure. If they meet someone great, if not, at least they've done some good for others.

zcrat41

miss_independent wrote: »

.

If it is a guy though, I know at least ten christian girls who would be interested lol. If its a girl the last thing we need is competition lol.

I know another dozen!

CofE churches have a dearth of available men:cool:

kitrat

Your friend should try meetup.com. You can meet up with people who have common interests, perhaps a walking group or something, or just a general socialising group of people who don't seem focused on drinking nights out, definitely worth a try.

I am currently working up the nerve to go out with a local group myself, bit nervous though! Perhaps you could go with her a couple of times, then let her get on with it?

Edit: Just to clarify it's not a dating website, it's just general socialising with groups of people, not just one-on-one.

bylromarha

I'd go for the Christian holidays option to meet people. A few friends from church have done Christian internet dating/speed dating, but not much success. Holidays - far more options apparently.

As for the no sex thing, our church preaches that the wrong question is "how far can we go pre wedding before it's wrong sexual contact?" what you should be saying is "God is the centre of this relationship. How can we best honour Him in all that we do?"

As we work prepping engaged couples for marriage, asking the "how far is too far" question is negated as couples see sex as a great and wonderful thing between them, and they continue to see it that way into their marriage rather than this thing that has caused them so much strife and cold showers and something to stop as they're getting out of hand. Those thoughts take undoing at the start of a marriage, and can cause problems as they have built up the view of sex as something wrong, when it so SOOOOOO isn't.

mountainofdebt

also I think it depends on what you mean by having Christian values.

I don't go to Church but would consider myself to lead a Christian based life.

Also would not drinking alcohol be a no no for a partner as well?

coolcait

daisiegg wrote: »

I have a friend who is mid twenties but has not had a relationship since the age of 16.

This friend is desperate for a relationship. Friend is good looking, highly intelligent, has a good job, fun to be around, but is quite socially shy, and has never managed to meet anyone for romance.

Friend has pretty traditional values. Doesn't drink alcohol, not into big nights out, very family oriented, and most importantly - no sex before marriage.

I have suggested things like Christianmingle.com or going along to church groups again and again, but friend asserts that despite having these values, friend is not super religious (attends Catholic Church fairly regularly, but that is it), and is worried that the type of person they will find in this way will be 'happy clappy' and heavily into religion.

My question is, any suggestion where friend can meet the right type of person? The no sex before marriage is a pretty big thing as I think that is quite an unusual value for someone in their twenties to hold these days and it is not something that friend would compromise on.

(Apologies for keeping gender neutral!)

So, you have a friend who is family-oriented. And teetotal. Who doesn't particularly enjoy 'big nights out' and/or being surrounded by drunken people.

I suspect that there are quite a few other single people out there who share those values.

Why don't you encourage your friend to simply meet other people, and see if they get on with each other.

If they do, and a relationship develops with another person, then 'sex' will be something they will no doubt discuss when the time is right for them as a couple. Who knows what will happen then...

- the other person may say that they can't have a relationship with your friend on a 'no sex before marriage' basis

- the other person may be willing to carry on the relationship on a 'no sex before marriage' basis

- the relationship may ultimately lead to marriage

- your friend may feel that the other person is 'the one', and find that they are happy to have sex 'with love', even if it is 'without marriage'.

- etc, including all the more negative options

Even nowadays, there are lots of people who are not interested in having a casual shag. So 'dating' doesn't have to mean 'bound to have sex'.

If your friend isn't particularly religious, it seems very odd to suggest that they try to find a partner within religion-based social groups.

Prothet_of_Doom

When I was erm looking to date, I picked a girl in the playground and asked my mate to ask her mate if she was interested in a date.

After 12 months, that girl finished with me, but somehow managed to get my mate to tell me her mate fancied going out with her. After 23 years of marriage I think she can be forgiven for breaking my heart.

I digress. You and all your friends have to arrange blind dates with this person, and any almost suitable people you know.