How to meet people with Christian values for a relationship?

Hermia

Treevo wrote: »

She needs to just get out there, though I should say that she probably shouldn't pretend that she's too good for the 'happy clappy' when they're probably the only type to share her 'values'.

That's what I was thinking. The only Christians I know who are strict about sex before marriage, alcohol etc are the type who are heavily involved in the church (home group meetings, prayer meetings as well as church etc).

I'm interested in why your friend finds it so hard to meet people who don't drink and don't party etc. I rarely drink and hate parties etc. I prefer going to the theatre and exhibitions and I like history etc. I think there are lots of people who like those sort of things. The only time I had a problem was when I was in my teens and at university because the social life was so alcohol-orientated. The no sex before marriage bit is definitely going to be an issue with a lot of people, but I don't understand why the rest is.

Tish_P

Treevo wrote: »

1. The OP's friend doesn't wish to have a relationship with people who share her values but are 'happy clappy' - is there any way of looking at this in a way which makes the OP's friend appear to not be judging the 'happy clappy' folk?

I think there is, and that's why I also saw your comment as on the harsh side - it's not judgemental to have tastes and preferences. If her reason for not wanting a happy-clappy parter is that tshe thinks they're stupid and shallow, that's judgemental. If it's just that she doesn't want church to be a huge part of her own life, that's not.

F'rinstance I have nothing against heavy metal fans, but I wouldn't want to be partnered with someone whose idea of a good time was 100dB, and they probably wouldn't think much of me either.

rozmister

Treevo wrote: »

I wouldn't call them 'uncharitable' but nor would I condense them as you have.

1. The OP's friend doesn't wish to have a relationship with people who share her values but are 'happy clappy' - is there any way of looking at this in a way which makes the OP's friend appear to not be judging the 'happy clappy' folk?

2. It doesn't seem like she wants someone who shares her values, more she wants someone to tolerate hers. With this in mind I'm wondering whether this is because she's nervous of that side of a relationship and would like to get a ring on her finger before she even tries it to limit the potential for heartbreak.

Given that she is in her 20s and has never had a relationship, I think this is more likely than her just not finding someone to settle down with - if it was the latter, she would at least have been looking.

I would imagine that given the OPs clear faith it is not about 'getting a ring on her finger before she even tries it to limit the potential for heartbreak'. At the church I went to it was instilled from the point you begun puberty that sex was something sacred to be shared only between a man and wife. It wasn't about nervousness about sex or securing yourself a man it was about respect for God and your faith. People don't make a commitment to abstain from sex throughout their teens when it's really hard to avoid potential heartbreak.

As for not wanting to marry a 'happy clappy' Christian. The Catholic Church is pretty much the opposite of 'happy clappy' branches of Christianity. It's a huge difference both in beliefs, styles and attitudes and I could understand why someone from a strict Catholic background might not want to be with a 'happy clappy' Christian.

Being single, in your 20s and never having had a relationship is not unheard from people who have a strong faith and abstain from sex before marriage. Most of the people I went to church with are married to their first and only boyfriend/girlfriend, if you haven't found that person by your 20s (which is when most of my friends found their partners) then you've got to keep looking.

Treevo

rozmister wrote: »

I would imagine that given the OPs clear faith it is not about 'getting a ring on her finger before she even tries it to limit the potential for heartbreak'.

I disagree.

rozmister wrote: »

At the church I went to it was instilled from the point you begun puberty that sex was something sacred to be shared only between a man and wife.

I hope the husband is aware!;)

rozmister wrote: »

It wasn't about nervousness about sex or securing yourself a man it was about respect for God and your faith.

Which doesn't seem to be the case here - what with the OP's friend not minding if her intended is a virgin or not.

rozmister wrote: »

People don't make a commitment to abstain from sex throughout their teens when it's really hard to avoid potential heartbreak.

Most people who don't have sex when they are teenagers are doing it because they've actively abstained - they're not having it because they're either too scared or no one wants to do it with them.

rozmister wrote: »

As for not wanting to marry a 'happy clappy' Christian. The Catholic Church is pretty much the opposite of 'happy clappy' branches of Christianity. It's a huge difference both in beliefs, styles and attitudes and I could understand why someone from a strict Catholic background might not want to be with a 'happy clappy' Christian.

But the OP says her friend doesn't want to meet anyone like you describe - she's not that religious, but you seem to think she is. I think you're projecting.

rozmister wrote: »

Being single, in your 20s and never having had a relationship is not unheard from people who have a strong faith and abstain from sex before marriage. Most of the people I went to church with are married to their first and only boyfriend/girlfriend, if you haven't found that person by your 20s (which is when most of my friends found their partners) then you've got to keep looking.

None of that really squares with what the OP says in this post.

daisiegg wrote: »

I think the problem is friend is so shy that even meeting people to date in the first place is the problem. It's more about meeting people who aren't into going out drinking, etc, as well as just the no sex before marriage thing. Indeed, friend wouldn't care if they were dating someone who did drink, and wasn't a virgin - it's more about finding someone who doesn't care that friend won't drink, isn't that outgoing, etc.

I have set friend up with another friend this week....when I warned friend that other friend (damn this is getting confusing) does drink, isn't a virgin, etc - original friend said 'it's just one date, I'm not planning a wedding! I just want to experience being on a date with someone!' It makes me sad because friend is so lovely and has literally not had a date or any sort of romantic interaction with the opposite sex since a school relationship at the age of 16.

Prothet_of_Doom

cakeforbrains wrote: »

Does it matter to your friend if the other person is not a virgin? ie. is it any sex before marriage, or just no sex before marriage within their relationship?

Hopefully that makes sense.

Cause like christians are not ever forgiving are they ?

Prothet_of_Doom

daisiegg wrote: »

I have a friend who is mid twenties but has not had a relationship since the age of 16.

This friend is desperate for a relationship.

Friend is good looking, highly intelligent, has a good job, fun to be around, but is quite socially shy,

, and most importantly - no sex before marriage.

it is not something that friend would compromise on.

(Apologies for keeping gender neutral!)

So can you see the irony. Desperate yet intelligent, but doesn't compromise ?

I think the desperate bit will push any intelligent, fun to be around, potential dates well and truely into run away mode.

I think if he/she finds a willing partner, that one in a zillion might have a bit of history, so they are going to have to live with that fact or find that not compromising will leave them very lonely.

On the other hand: I think lots of potenial partners who might have had sex in the past will find it sweet that your friend wants to wait. and perhaps a little frustrating and puratanical.

As I said to my single christian sister "If you are that desperate, you are going to have to lower your sights. Nobody is perfect "

rozmister

Treevo wrote: »

I disagree.



I hope the husband is aware!;)

I don't know anyone whose married out of the church so I would assume they're aware as they share the same/a similar type of faith (fundamentalist christian).

Which doesn't seem to be the case here - what with the OP's friend not minding if her intended is a virgin or not.

Because it would be about the OP and THEIR relationship with God not necessarily their partners.



Most people who don't have sex when they are teenagers are doing it because they've actively abstained - they're not having it because they're either too scared or no one wants to do it with them.

The people I went to church with weren't 'scared' of sex and most of them were acceptably attractive. Abstaining from sex was a key part of their faith as is the accepted norm in other cultures around the world.


But the OP says her friend doesn't want to meet anyone like you describe - she's not that religious, but you seem to think she is. I think you're projecting.

The fact the OPs friend is looking specifically for someone with CHRISTIAN values and attends church regularly indicates that her faith is important to her. The overall personality and attitude encouraged in a 'happy clappy' church is bipolar to most Catholic churches. I would imagine the OP would look for someone more reserved like them rather than someone who is very outward about their faith and their relationship with God

Your comments implying that no one would CHOOSE to abstain from sex or having a relationship with every Tom, !!!!!! and Harry but would be scared or unable to have sex or form a relationship are pretty offensive to the people who do make that choice, be them shy and bad at meeting people or not.

CKgeordieinlondon

A friend of mine fell in love with a Christian girl My nephew did the same.

Both men had previous girlfriends and had lived with people before.Neither had trouble abstaining before the wedding and both marriages have lasted ( 5 and 4 years so far ) and have children so I guess they worked out what to do
Not sure how my nephew met his wife but the first couple met at work.

What i will say is that both girls are absolutely stunning and about 10 years their husbands junior.

My Nephew is very good looking , but my friend definitely punched above his weight.I often wondered if she'd have been with him if it wasn't for the christian thing. He is now very active in the church although there was no inclination of that before they got together
I'm not saying your friend should look for an old munter, but she may have to adjust to the fact that her options are more limited then most.

Dunroamin

Bazey wrote: »

How about dating a vicar?

http://www.pastordating.com/

Tricky if the person's a Catholic!

CKgeordieinlondon

By the way I notice a lot of talk about Catholicism. Surely your friend can't be catholic and abstain from alcohol?

Things have certainly changed since my catholic schoodays.