Can't stand my inlaws!

paulineb_2

pinkshoes wrote: »

You need to view this in a different light...

They are his PARENTS, and they raised him to be the person that he is today, the man that you love and married, so they can't be all that bad, can they?!?

For this reason alone, you ARE being unreasonable, as by picking fault with them, you are picking fault with him, hence he is undoubtedly upset.

If you haven't experienced PND, it's very difficult to understand what it is. Her comments were no doubt ignorant rather than spiteful.

And as for them favouring their grandchild over someone who is of no blood relation, that depends on many things. Is your other son's father still living?! If so, perhaps they feel he has other grandparents to spoil him?? (although a card wouldn't go astray....).

You need to learn to get along with these people if you want your marriage to work, so eat some humble pie, hold out a white flag, and when they p*ss you off in future, bite your tongue and smile sweetly!

I see you are getting married very soon and I sincerely hope all goes well with you

I also hope you dont have to deal with difficult in laws, perhaps if you do/did, you might be a tad more sympathetic towards the OP

Anon234

pmlindyloo wrote: »

I am obviously going to be out on a limb here with how I feel.

You, your OH and your children are a family. Your OH's parents are the extended family.

Your family comes first. Your extended family welcomes you as a family. They do not pick and choose.

Your OH (and now you) are enabling the parents to act in this way by agreeing to their terms.

Time to act like a family. Time to be treated like a family.

When the parents treat you as the family you are then you will visit as a family and you will welcome them to your home as part of your extended family. Until they accept you as a family then you do not visit unless it is as a family.

It seems to me that your OH has not made that 'transition' and still sees his parents as his family.

He has to choose where his priorities lie.

Enough said by me. Time to talk to OH.

You have hit the nail on the head, I still feel very much like we are not his family, I'm made to feel like I stole him away and I should feel bad.

I would never ask OH to choose but I want him to see things as an adult. I see my parents as and when it's convienant for both of us, not when my mum throws a hissy fit, she would never behave the way they do. And if she did she would be told not to return until she can behave.
I feel like I'm expected to make all the effort for her, and I'm afraid I can't do that anymore. They don't like my eldest, it's obvious and was pointed out by my family members when we were all together, and I don't want her to grow up with issues, but I understand he has to see his parents, just annoying it has to be on her terms constantly

marisco_2

I totally agree with pmlindyloo

carefullycautious

As pmlindyloo said above spot on.

Your husband is the key to this.

I would be telling her that is she keeps this up she will loose all of you.

Disgraceful to pick on a defenceless child and treat her differently.

paulineb_2

You need to lay it on the line, either they treat you and your eldest with a bit more respect or they arent part of your lives

Seriously, this relationship sounds toxic, bringing you nothing but strife

Time to let it go, they can still keep in touch with your youngest without seeing you

I bet they are set in their ways and wont change

Why should anyone have to smile sweetly and put up with rude people?

Enoughs enough

bagpussbear

Anon234 wrote: »

Being an only child, I think he feels quite protective of them, which is fair enough, but not at the expense of his own wife and child (and step child)

I'm no angel, I did tell them a few home truths with plenty of nastiness when they insulted my child, so I can see why she doesn't like me. :rotfl:

Shame, your husband hasn't set boundaries with his parents from the beginning, that's his first mistake.

Things like this eventually take their toll on marriages unfortunately. Do you think some marriage guidance counselling might help him realise the impact of his actions (or lack of)? Not suggesting your marriage is in trouble but I wonder if there is someone else that could 'tell him how it is' that he trusts and would listen to?

I feel for you OP, no-one should have to take abuse, insults etc from anyone, let alone the inlaws.

Anon234

I will speak to my OH when he comes home and see how he feels about things.

We are due to go down there in September for a few days, again I have to pay for me and dd to stay in a hotel, we did this in June and because I asked OH to bring youngest back after 4 hours so we could all have dinner together I was causing trouble and pulling them away from each other, I wasn't, he was welcome to go back but I made the mistake of giving her a reason to complain. So kind of dreading this visit.

thatlemming

They sound bloody horrid tbh.

My partners parents hated me from day 1, I'm not good enough, depsite being at a top 10 university studying med, I didn't 'work enough', despite the fact my part-time wages from modelling (topshop, jack wills etc) gave me as much cash as I needed for uni/holidays etc without ever taking a penny from my bf, I'm not 'outgoing enough' because I'd rather read a book than go out drinking, you get the picture etc.

My partner was raised by his nan who adored me and was absolutely wonderful, never met such a nice woman, would do anything for anyone, just generally all round cheerful. Shame her son wasn't the same lol.

I've just spent the last 2 and a half years pretending they don't exist haha. If my bf wants advice regarding them I'm just neutral and reasonable, and when he goes to see them I just do other things. I think his mum would love to say 'its me or her' but I think she knows he'd choose me.

What you need is your partners support, some of the things your MIL has said are vile, no one should be saying that towards a child!

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Anon234 wrote: »

I will speak to my OH when he comes home and see how he feels about things.

We are due to go down there in September for a few days, again I have to pay for me and dd to stay in a hotel, we did this in June and because I asked OH to bring youngest back after 4 hours so we could all have dinner together I was causing trouble and pulling them away from each other, I wasn't, he was welcome to go back but I made the mistake of giving her a reason to complain. So kind of dreading this visit.

Why are you doing this and having you and your DD stay in a hotel? This is completely and utterly crazy. Stop at home and let him go on his own with the youngest...

marisco_2

Anon234 wrote: »

She went as far as sending an email on Xmas eve saying if he wanted to choose me then that was fine they would never speak to him again.

How did he respond to this? I have an incredible bond with my father but I can tell you this, if he ever sent me such an email effectively telling me that if I chose a partner over him he would never speak to me again, that would be the end of my relationship with him.

Your husband is an adult who has chosen to marry you, take on your daughter from a previous relationship and have a child of his own with you. His mother has no respect for his choices or the significant people in his life. This is something he really needs to acknowledge before her interference wrecks what he has with you.

The person your husband is currently prioritising, thinks nothing of threatening to have nothing to do with him if he doesn't bow down to her wishes. That is not the actions of someone who loves their grown child or who wants the best for them. Your mil sounds narcissistic to me.