Can't stand my inlaws!

Anon234

I get blamed for them not coming to visit, they wouldn't be welcome to stay in my house, not that we have space anyway but the 2 times they have visited they stayed in rented accommodation anyway. I have never said they can't visit, just that I will be carrying on with my life when they do, OH and the youngest can go for dinner if he has to go to work, and he can spend his free time there, but she paints this as her being unwelcome,
If we go to visit them I'm expected to fork out for hotels so my and dd can stay somewhere. I'm now of the view that I'm not going to be out of pocket because of them. ( my youngest wont go anywhere without me at present, although this will change)

Argghhhhhh it's all so complicated.

The problem is, even if I bit my tongue as has been suggested, the disdain that they show my eldest is so apparent I'm afraid I can't ignore that

lab-lover

If my MIL or FIL spoke to my daughter like that i too would have to scraped off the roof. I don't think your being unreasonable or causing trouble. they are causing you stress & making bad feelings. I'm sorry but your hubby needs to man up to them.

300 miles away is maybe a good thing

Treevo

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

I think the second comment is way too harsh.

My paternal grandmother took against my mother, very badly, after my parents' third child was born. After she stayed with us for Christmas when that child, my younger sister, was 6 months old, she didn't stay with us again, and the last time my mother and grandmother were ever actually in the same room was when my parents' fourth child was chistened.

My mother was angelic about it, despite the fact that my grandmother's dislike of her was entirely and completely irrational, and that my grandmother caused as much trouble as she could.

My mother made sure that my Dad took all of us to see her regularly, and encouraged us to send postcards when on holiday, birthday cards, Christmas cards, etc. She never, ever let on to any of us as children that there was any friction at all between them, and did her best to foster the relationship between Dad and his mother, and the four of us and our grandmother.

She recognised how difficult it was for my Dad, too, and did her best to smooth the path.

I only found out about it when I was grown up, well after my paternal grandmother had died, and I'm very grateful to my mother for all her low-key, sefllessness.

That's not a similar situation. Would you be so thankful had your mother allowed your grandmother to treat your sister well and you awfully? I doubt it.

marisco_2

That your OH doesn't think the way yourself and your eldest child are treated by his parents is wrong, makes me question how he was raised and what he views as normality. Not many people who were fully aware of all that has gone on would excuse such behaviour, tell you that you were over reacting and expect you to be apologising.

Your mother in law displayed a total lack of knowledge over what you went through when you suffered pnd. Choosing to see the worst in you and label you as lazy instead. Both your mil and fil clearly don't understand how being autistic impacts on your eldest child and mock and undermine her rather than show her care, love and empathy.

I think you need to have a very open and frank discussion with your OH and get across to him how this continuing situation is affecting you and your child. If you don't the strain and pressure could start to impact on your relationship with him. It must be a horrible atmosphere for your children to be raised in.

Anon234

marisco wrote: »

That your OH doesn't think the way yourself and your eldest child are treated by his parents is wrong, makes me question how he was raised and what he views as normality. Not many people who were fully aware of all that has gone on would excuse such behaviour, tell you that you were over reacting and expect you to be apologising.

Your mother in law displayed a total lack of knowledge over what you went through when you suffered pnd. Choosing to see the worst in you and label you as lazy instead. Both your mil and fil clearly don't understand how being autistic impacts on your eldest child and mock and undermine her rather than show her care, love and empathy.

I think you need to have a very open and frank discussion with your OH and get across to him how this continuing situation is affecting you and your child. If you don't the strain and pressure could start to impact on your relationship with him. It must be a horrible atmosphere for your children to be raised in.

Tbh I try not to discuss his parents at all, either with my OH or with the children.
My youngest speaks to them on the phone, they aren't welcome to call the house anymore as she was calling when she knew OH was at work and any conversation we had would be changed dramatically and again she was the hard done by victim, she now calls his mobile where she can get him 24/7 and I can be kept out of it.

I do feel like I'm cutting them off from us completely sometimes but if I give an inch she takes a mile and makes things so much worse

hayday75

I had problems with my mum in law ,i could'nt do anything right.
This went on for years .I always used to moan at my dh about her and was always told to ignore the comments .I believe inlaws (espiecally mum) can never be your friends they just tolerate you cause you are the mother of their grand children.
My advice to op - get rid of them

securityguy

pinkshoes wrote: »

It's a really old fashioned thing though, which isn't nice, but perhaps just their viewpoint.

In their day, if you had a child with someone, you stayed with them.

My own grandparents found it hard to accept when my uncle married someone who already had a daughter.

!!!!!!!!. The OP has children of 12 and 3. She is presumably therefore presumably in her 30s and her parents in their late fifties or sixties. They are not little old ladies born before the war, they are younger than the Beatles and were teenagers in the 1960s. "Their Day" is not some fantasy of Edwardian England, their day is 1970. Divorce is hardly a shocking new event.

Anon234

securityguy wrote: »

!!!!!!!!. The OP has children of 12 and 3. She is presumably therefore presumably in her 30s and her parents in their late fifties or sixties. They are not little old ladies born before the war, they are younger than the Beatles and were teenagers in the 1960s. "Their Day" is not some fantasy of Edwardian England, their day is 1970. Divorce is hardly a shocking new event.

My MIL and FIL are both under 60, my gran is mid 70s and she isn't shocked and offended by the fact I'm now married to someone other than my eldests father

BitterAndTwisted

mrcow wrote: »

Been there got the t-shirt.

My advice (and the best advice you'll get from anyone - because I have got the t-shirt!) is to do absolutely nothing.

Don't call them. Don't try and make reparations. Don't complain about them. Don't even speak about them. Don't visit them. Don't phone them. Don't even send any cards at Christmas and birthdays. They are his parents. Let him do it.

^^^THIS!^^^

My poor sister found herself in almost exactly the same situation, bar an oldest unrelated child to the grand-parents. She categorically refused to have anything further to do with them after a particularly horrible phone-call. She was quite happy for her husband to drive x hundred miles away with the children to visit the in-laws but did not join them. Made for a few relaxing weekends for her to have a little break now and then.

I'm convinced that her MIL must have been mentally ill as it really isn't possible for someone to be so evil while still sane. Eventually her husband accepted the situation and agreed that his mother was an impossible old harpy and that she would never, ever split them up, as was her plan.

She's dead now and there was hardly anyone at her funeral because she managed to alienate almost every single person in her life.

Anon234

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

^^^THIS!^^^

My poor sister found herself in almost exactly the same situation, bar an oldest unrelated child to the grand-parents. She categorically refused to have anything further to do with them after a particularly horrible phone-call. She was quite happy for her husband to drive x hundred miles away with the children to visit the in-laws but did not join them. Made for a few relaxing weekends for her to have a little break now and then.

I'm convinced that her MIL must have been mentally ill as it really isn't possible for someone to be so evil while still sane. Eventually her husband accepted the situation and agreed that his mother was an impossible old harpy and that she would never, ever split them up, as was her plan.

She's dead now and there was hardly anyone at her funeral because she managed to alienate almost every single person in her life.

Nice to know I'm not the only person who has to deal with this sort of thing. She's the same with FILs brother, can't stand him for no reason other than he can see what she is really like.

It's just so infuriating having to deal with OH when she has been at him, it feels very much as if he is taking her side and doesn't see any wrong on her part, which in turn puts my back up.