Can't stand my inlaws!

bagpussbear

Anon234 wrote: »

Right, I know that's a confusing rant but I'm not willing to be involved with people like that..and I'm a bit p'd off that hubby doesn't see my point of view. So other than completely stating out of it and letting them go there alone ( they live 300 miles away) what else can I do?

I think you have it spot on - do let your hubby and kids go on their own if they want to. Have as little to do with them, and let your hubby arrange things to see them etc.

I'm sorry to hear your husband isn't being supportive, from what you have told us your inlaws aren't being very nice, or fair to you. Why doesn't your hubby stand up to them?

lostinrates

I had an older half sibling who my paternal grandparents were not very welcoming to. We dealt with it as a family by just accepting it was their problem not that of our nuclear family. We tolerated their limitations and sniggered about it and made sure my sibling (who was somewhat older than op's child, which must have helped an awful lot) got lots of appreciation from us. I offered them to her plenty of times as her own, but she just wouldn't have them, lol.

I think ATM you are in danger of giving them too much importance in your realtionship by making them so powerful and almost 'lurgeyman' status. Your husband feels forced to choose. I absolutely see why, the need to protect your older child from hurt must be very, very real.


I would I. Your situation encourage your husband to maintain his strong family relationships, they are important to him, and if this is threatened it will eventually cause hurt to your relationship. I would probably also suggest he and the little'un have bonding time there occasionally, a couple of weekends a year maybe, while you are your oldest do the same, enjoying the precious time before that one flees the nest.

Anon234

bagpussbear wrote: »

I think you have it spot on - do let your hubby and kids go on their own if they want to. Have as little to do with them, and let your hubby arrange things to see them etc.

I'm sorry to hear your husband isn't being supportive, from what you have told us your inlaws aren't being very nice, or fair to you. Why doesn't your hubby stand up to them?

Being an only child, I think he feels quite protective of them, which is fair enough, but not at the expense of his own wife and child (and step child)

I'm no angel, I did tell them a few home truths with plenty of nastiness when they insulted my child, so I can see why she doesn't like me. :rotfl:

BitterAndTwisted

Anon234 wrote: »

Nice to know I'm not the only person who has to deal with this sort of thing. She's the same with FILs brother, can't stand him for no reason other than he can see what she is really like.

It's just so infuriating having to deal with OH when she has been at him, it feels very much as if he is taking her side and doesn't see any wrong on her part, which in turn puts my back up.

Never underestimate a man's loyalty to his mother! That is not something you should put to the test lightly. Any criticism would be taken extremely personally as it's precisely that: personal.

My sister's situation came to a head after a particularly vile phone call to sis which got repeated back to BIL later completely and utterly misconstrued and twisted out of all recognition. As was her habit. It was at that moment BIL accepted that she was wrong, mean and very possibly not sane and understood why sis wouldn't have any further contact. But this is not something you can force or bring about yourself or ultimately you could be blamed for it.

Clean hands. Clean hands.

andygb

pinkshoes wrote: »

You need to view this in a different light...

They are his PARENTS, and they raised him to be the person that he is today, the man that you love and married, so they can't be all that bad, can they?!?

For this reason alone, you ARE being unreasonable, as by picking fault with them, you are picking fault with him, hence he is undoubtedly upset.

If you haven't experienced PND, it's very difficult to understand what it is. Her comments were no doubt ignorant rather than spiteful.

And as for them favouring their grandchild over someone who is of no blood relation, that depends on many things. Is your other son's father still living?! If so, perhaps they feel he has other grandparents to spoil him?? (although a card wouldn't go astray....).

You need to learn to get along with these people if you want your marriage to work, so eat some humble pie, hold out a white flag, and when they p*ss you off in future, bite your tongue and smile sweetly!

Why should the OP back down if the "outlaws" are being nasty to her?
I was both surprised and dismayed at the way my OH was and is treated by my father and sister, and I let them know it.
I have seen this in other families, where the son in law/daughter in law is never good enough for their offspring, and there is non stop friction, where the "outlaws" criticise constantly and try to put down the new family member at every opportunity.

catkins

pinkshoes wrote: »

You need to view this in a different light...

They are his PARENTS, and they raised him to be the person that he is today, the man that you love and married, so they can't be all that bad, can they?!?

For this reason alone, you ARE being unreasonable, as by picking fault with them, you are picking fault with him, hence he is undoubtedly upset.

If you haven't experienced PND, it's very difficult to understand what it is. Her comments were no doubt ignorant rather than spiteful.

You need to learn to get along with these people if you want your marriage to work, so eat some humble pie, hold out a white flag, and when they p*ss you off in future, bite your tongue and smile sweetly!

My OH's dad wasn't a particularly nice person (he is no longer alive) but his mum is a nasty, vindictive woman. He didn't have a very nice childhood and made up his mind quite young that he was going to be nothing like them, which he isn't.

I am lucky in that whenever MIL started being nasty (which was almost every time we saw her) OH would always take my side and stand up for me.

She told me on our wedding day (just as we were about to walk into the register office) that we'd be lucky if it lasted a year (actually lasted over 30!), she said I must be pregnant as we got married 5 months after meeting (I wasn't), she said it wasn't normal that I am older than OH (only a couple of years). She has accused me too many times of the years to count of using OH as a taxi service as I don't drive. She would say things like "Oh have you had your hair cut" and when I said yes go into one about spending OH's hard earned money - the fact that I earned over double what he did obviously didn't count. She told me I was weak and pathetic because I suffer depression but when her darling daughter got depressed it was a totally different matter.

Anyway, we have not had that much to do with them over the years. We did make an effort when FIL died but she was still being nasty, shouting and screaming about things and being a bully so we haven't had any contact now for a while

marisco_2

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Never underestimate a man's loyalty to his mother! That is not something you should put to the test lightly. Any criticism would be taken extremely personally as it's precisely that: personal

A grown mans loyalty should first and foremost be to his wife and children, not to his mother who chooses to treat them horrendously for no reason at all.

For the OPs husband to have just stood there and done nothing whilst his mother screamed at his wife, threatened to hit her and remove their child is disgusting.

balletshoes

Anon234 wrote: »

Totally understand what your saying, and I agree to an extent. My eldest doesnt see her dad or his family ( their choice) and I don't expect them to trat them the same but it's like she's invisible only there to be made fun of or spoken down too...
one comment was, I hope your going to bring up our grandchild better than her, another one of her would be a nightmare. In front of my child. OH said nothing, and they weren't joking.

Maybe I'm just being an over protective parent.

:eek: that would be enough for me - I'd be suggesting your OH takes your youngest on visits to his family if he wants to carry on a relationship with them, and you stay home with your eldest, have some girly time together.

I would not have been able to keep my mouth shut if anyone said that about my daughter - I'd have had to call them out on it.

paulineb_2

pinkshoes wrote: »

You need to view this in a different light...

They are his PARENTS, and they raised him to be the person that he is today, the man that you love and married, so they can't be all that bad, can they?!?

For this reason alone, you ARE being unreasonable, as by picking fault with them, you are picking fault with him, hence he is undoubtedly upset.

If you haven't experienced PND, it's very difficult to understand what it is. Her comments were no doubt ignorant rather than spiteful.

And as for them favouring their grandchild over someone who is of no blood relation, that depends on many things. Is your other son's father still living?! If so, perhaps they feel he has other grandparents to spoil him?? (although a card wouldn't go astray....).

You need to learn to get along with these people if you want your marriage to work, so eat some humble pie, hold out a white flag, and when they p*ss you off in future, bite your tongue and smile sweetly!

Shes not being unreasonable, the mother in law is being terribly unreasonable, just because shes married to her son doesnt give her the right to treat her like dirt, wrong on so many levels

Calling the eldest child stupid, no wonder kids grow up with low self esteem

paulineb_2

pinkshoes wrote: »

It's a really old fashioned thing though, which isn't nice, but perhaps just their viewpoint.

In their day, if you had a child with someone, you stayed with them.

My own grandparents found it hard to accept when my uncle married someone who already had a daughter.

Not true, my mum is 64 and shes divorced

Old fashioned views dont excuse horrible behaviour