Can't stand my inlaws!

Anon234

Hi

Not a new user by hubby knows my account so thought I would post anon for some advice.

It's a long story so I will try to be concise and keep it to the point.

Hubby and I have been together 6 years and have a 3 year old child, I also have a 12 year old from previous relationship.

Main issue in our relationship is his parents. I literally cannot stand them. More so his mother but both of them are in my view awful. Hubby thinks I'm being unreasonable and it's started to cause no end of trouble.

After my 3 year old was born I had bad pnd and was almost hospitalised, this led to his mother claiming I was lazy and couldn't be bothered looking after my child, nothing wrong with me, need to snap out of it. She came round to my house and shouted swore , threatened me when I told her to leave, she was again looking for some sort of argument, as seems to be her sole reason for being on this planet.

They make a huge difference between my 2 children at Xmas, granted my 12 year old isn't their grandchild but a card and acknowledgment would be nice.
On previous visits FIL has, in my opinion bullied my eldest, said things like "are you stupid" when watching her do her homework. Belittling her at meal times..."can you even use a knife and fork" and at one time raising his voice at her and scaring her half to death.

I mentioned all this to MIL and since then world war three has broken out, I'm accusing her husband of being mean, I'm not welcome at their house etc...they expect my hubby to take my 3 year old down to them when she doesn't know them, they have sen her 3 times since she was born


Right, I know that's a confusing rant but I'm not willing to be involved with people like that..and I'm a bit p'd off that hubby doesn't see my point of view. So other than completely stating out of it and letting them go there alone ( they live 300 miles away) what else can I do?

Advice would be welcome, even if it turns out I'm wrong:rotfl:

Thanks xx

carolan78

If your not welcome at their house then I would expect my hubby to see them for the odd hour or so with your youngest. If distance doesn't make this possible, I would be looking to make a weekend of it and book a b&b nearby and plan things to do in the area with the children. I would then invite them to join us on one of the activities. If they choose not to join you then again, I would expect hubby to see them for a few hours with the youngest child.

It doesn't seem like you see them that often, in your shoes I would grin and bare it when I did see them for husbands sake. They are still his parents at the end of the day. 13 years on and I have become quite the expert at grinning and baring for the sake of hubby.

pinkshoes

You need to view this in a different light...

They are his PARENTS, and they raised him to be the person that he is today, the man that you love and married, so they can't be all that bad, can they?!?

For this reason alone, you ARE being unreasonable, as by picking fault with them, you are picking fault with him, hence he is undoubtedly upset.

If you haven't experienced PND, it's very difficult to understand what it is. Her comments were no doubt ignorant rather than spiteful.

And as for them favouring their grandchild over someone who is of no blood relation, that depends on many things. Is your other son's father still living?! If so, perhaps they feel he has other grandparents to spoil him?? (although a card wouldn't go astray....).

You need to learn to get along with these people if you want your marriage to work, so eat some humble pie, hold out a white flag, and when they p*ss you off in future, bite your tongue and smile sweetly!

Anon234

carolan78 wrote: »

If your not welcome at their house then I would expect my hubby to see them for the odd hour or so with your youngest. If distance doesn't make this possible, I would be looking to make a weekend of it and book a b&b nearby and plan things to do in the area with the children. I would then invite them to join us on one of the activities. If they choose not to join you then again, I would expect hubby to see them for a few hours with the youngest child.

It doesn't seem like you see them that often, in your shoes I would grin and bare it when I did see them for husbands sake. They are still his parents at the end of the day. 13 years on and I have become quite the expert at grinning and baring for the sake of hubby.

I have to learn how to do that maybe, we did go down there and I stayed away along with my eldest, but they want him to stay the full weekend with them and me and my daughter have to find things to do, I find that a bit ott.

As for asking them to join us, it wouldn't work, she has to comment on every single aspect of my life and how we spend out money, how I feed the children, how I dress the children, it's like she wants me to flip..so she can stand back and play the victim.

We aren't welcome, so we stay away, she then moans because we haven't gone. But if we did go she would cause a huge row.

I should have married an orphan :rotfl:

Treevo

Don't let them near either of your children. If our OH allows this behaviour to continue, then you might want to reconsider our future with such a man.

Anon234

pinkshoes wrote: »

You need to view this in a different light...

They are his PARENTS, and they raised him to be the person that he is today, the man that you love and married, so they can't be all that bad, can they?!?

For this reason alone, you ARE being unreasonable, as by picking fault with them, you are picking fault with him, hence he is undoubtedly upset.

If you haven't experienced PND, it's very difficult to understand what it is. Her comments were no doubt ignorant rather than spiteful.

And as for them favouring their grandchild over someone who is of no blood relation, that depends on many things. Is your other son's father still living?! If so, perhaps they feel he has other grandparents to spoil him?? (although a card wouldn't go astray....).

You need to learn to get along with these people if you want your marriage to work, so eat some humble pie, hold out a white flag, and when they p*ss you off in future, bite your tongue and smile sweetly!

Totally understand what your saying, and I agree to an extent. My eldest doesnt see her dad or his family ( their choice) and I don't expect them to trat them the same but it's like she's invisible only there to be made fun of or spoken down too...one comment was, I hope your going to bring up our grandchild better than her, another one of her would be a nightmare. In front of my child. OH said nothing, and they weren't joking.

Maybe I'm just being an over protective parent.

Pechow

Surely you've given enough details that if he read this your husband would recognise it's you anyway?

You do need to learn to compromise and learn to deal with them somehow, but your OH really should be listening to you and taking your feelings into account.

As to how they're treating your first child, such as the comment about her being a nightmare, that's unacceptable. Why didn't your OH say anything?

carolan78

Anon234 wrote: »

As for asking them to join us, it wouldn't work, she has to comment on every single aspect of my life and how we spend out money, how I feed the children, how I dress the children, it's like she wants me to flip..so she can stand back and play the victim.

This seems quite normal mother in law behaviour to me :rotfl:

Just let it go over your head and occasionally on something small say you know I think you're right (this throws them off for a few hours). When you return home you just carry on as normal lol

mrcow

Been there got the t-shirt.

My advice (and the best advice you'll get from anyone - because I have got the t-shirt!) is to do absolutely nothing.

Don't call them. Don't try and make reparations. Don't complain about them. Don't even speak about them. Don't visit them. Don't phone them. Don't even send any cards at Christmas and birthdays. They are his parents. Let him do it.

This is THEIR problem. Not yours. You get to see your children every day. It's them who are losing out because of their unreasonable behaviour. Don't moan about them to your husband. Just get on with your very busy life and put them out of your mind.

The 600 mile round trip with your husband may or may not happen. Mine never did. Don't push the issue or even suggest it. My husband can never do anything off his own bat, I've always been the organiser. His mother has seen my youngest a total of two times. It's her loss.

carolan78

Anon234 wrote: »

Totally understand what your saying, and I agree to an extent. My eldest doesnt see her dad or his family ( their choice) and I don't expect them to trat them the same but it's like she's invisible only there to be made fun of or spoken down too...one comment was, I hope your going to bring up our grandchild better than her, another one of her would be a nightmare. In front of my child. OH said nothing, and they weren't joking.

Maybe I'm just being an over protective parent.

I would speak to the 12yo they're old enough now to understand sometimes for those we care about we have to bite our tongue. I am presuming here of course the 12yo has a good relationship with your DH.

pinkshoes

Anon234 wrote: »

Totally understand what your saying, and I agree to an extent. My eldest doesnt see her dad or his family ( their choice) and I don't expect them to trat them the same but it's like she's invisible only there to be made fun of or spoken down too...one comment was, I hope your going to bring up our grandchild better than her, another one of her would be a nightmare. In front of my child. OH said nothing, and they weren't joking.

Maybe I'm just being an over protective parent.

It's a really old fashioned thing though, which isn't nice, but perhaps just their viewpoint.

In their day, if you had a child with someone, you stayed with them.

My own grandparents found it hard to accept when my uncle married someone who already had a daughter.