Issues with DH (again)

notanewuser

Mojisola wrote: »

What a thing to say! You're working and have sole care of a 3 year old and the house - if he can't see that you're under pressure, he needs to swap roles with you for a week.

It's bad enough that you're loaded with the responsibility at the moment but for him to joke about how easy his life is either insensitive or uncaring or a bit stupid!

Well after 2 days of silence and sulking I have a text telling me to "carry on having fun" while he "ensures the money comes in".

I've told him not to come back if he feels his life is so awful.

poet123

notanewuser wrote: »

Well after 2 days of silence and sulking I have a text telling me to "carry on having fun" while he "ensures the money comes in".

I've told him not to come back if he feels his life is so awful.

Ok, I think the time has come for a full and frank chat about how you are living as a family. If you each let the belief fester within you that you have the nasty end of the stick then you may as well call it a day now. That resentment will grow and colour every aspect of your life.

Neither of you have it all rosy. You have sole care of a young child and are trying to work that around a job and housework. He is away from home doing a demanding and stressful job and has to travel back each weekend, and he is arbitrating between you and his blood relatives. Rather than become entrenched in your own positions you each need to see the pitfalls of what the other person deals with.

Marriage is about give and take, boring and bland, rage and calm, and personalities and how they react to any given issue.

If he is home this weekend, get a sitter, go for a walk and a lunch in the country and talk. Be open, frank and listen. Draw up a strategy that leaves neither of you feeling as if you bear the "worst" of the burden. It can be done, and ultimately you have two choices do it or keep on as you are until it becomes untenable.

Good luck.

notanewuser

poet123 wrote: »

Ok, I think the time has come for a full and frank chat about how you are living as a family. If you each let the belief fester within you that you have the nasty end of the stick then you may as well call it a day now. That resentment will grow and colour every aspect of your life.

Neither of you have it all rosy. You have sole care of a young child and are trying to work that around a job and housework. He is away from home doing a demanding and stressful job and has to travel back each weekend, and he is arbitrating between you and his blood relatives. Rather than become entrenched in your own positions you each need to see the pitfalls of what the other person deals with.

Marriage is about give and take, boring and bland, rage and calm, and personalities and how they react to any given issue.

If he is hoe this weekend, get a sitter, go for a walk and a lunch in the country and talk. Be open, frank and listen. Draw up a strategy that leaves neither of you feeling as if you bear the "worst" of the burden. It can be done, and ultimately you have two choices do it or keep on as you are until it becomes untenable.

Good luck.

Thanks. Unfortunately we've barely a spare minute this weekend as DD has parties to go to and we've arranged to see some friends too. And my parents have taken a rare long weekend away so they aren't around to watch DD.


I'm not sure "demanding and stressful" is that accurate a description of the contract he's on currently. Nor is he "arbitrating" between his blood relatives and me. I have a good relationship with all of them. But as with any invitation, if it's not convenient then it's not convenient and we don't go. If DH can go on his own then he can (and does).

Similarly, if DH wants to go diving for the weekend, I don't give him grief. He works hard and deserves to relax the way that he wants to. However, if he wanted to do that every weekend, to DD's detriment, I would have something to say about it.

I do have a lot of fun with DD - she's a lovely child to spend time with - but I think he underestimates how exhausting a small child can be.

LannieDuck

Have you tried going away yourself for a weekend break and leaving him to look after DD? I think it might help you both.

notanewuser

LannieDuck wrote: »

Have you tried going away yourself for a weekend break and leaving him to look after DD? I think it might help you both.

I did go to a concert with my sister and stayed overnight.

paulineb_2

How do you think you are going to resolve this issue? Do you think it can be resolved?

LannieDuck

Presumably that was mostly the evening tho, so DD was asleep? It's the unrelenting energy of children during the day, and their need to be entertained all the time that I (personally) find draining. I think your OH needs to experience a bit of that for a sustained period of time (just taking her out for an afternoon doesn't count).

He needs to understand that when you're tired, you can't just hand her back over to someone else.

sassyblue

notanewuser wrote: »

I'm not sure "demanding and stressful" is that accurate a description of the contract he's on currently.

He works hard and deserves to relax the way that he wants to.

I'm not sure there are many jobs that are as stressful as being a sole parent for 5 days a week which you do aswell as looking after a house AND doing some consultancy work!

YOU deserve to have some relaxation factored in too.

notanewuser

LannieDuck wrote: »

Presumably that was mostly the evening tho, so DD was asleep? It's the unrelenting energy of children during the day, and their need to be entertained all the time that I (personally) find draining. I think your OH needs to experience a bit of that for a sustained period of time (just taking her out for an afternoon doesn't count).

He needs to understand that when you're tired, you can't just hand her back over to someone else.

I don't know how I could make that happen this side of October to be honest. And in the meantime I'm going slowly mad...............

notanewuser

sassyblue wrote: »

I'm not sure there are many jobs that are as stressful as being a sole parent for 5 days a week which you do aswell as looking after a house AND doing some consultancy work!

YOU deserve to have some relaxation factored in too.

Oh gosh no, it's all fun fun fun, don'cha know.