Issues with DH (again)

notanewuser

poet123 wrote: »

He is entrenched in his way of thinking.....we are all guilty of putting a better construction on someone else's life than maybe they would.

So, whilst you may think hotel living frees you from chores, he sees it as a lonely, anonymous place just to sleep but not "live". And he thinks that you being at home all the time do not actually have to do xyz on any given day and can see friends when you choose and get to enjoy your daughter. Whilst you see a different picture.

When you are in it, you wear blinkers and see only your own portion of the picture.

You said "his current contract is not exactly stressful" so both of you think they have it worse......

To thrash it out you have to lay the ground rules; neither party belittles the others contribution, you both listen and don't interrupt, and you both accept that what the other says is true even if you can't see it at the time. Then you try to sort it out so that you both feel valued and accepted. It isn't easy, but text messaging is not the way forward here, soundbites are short and easy to misinterpret or snap back.

He's not in a hotel. He's staying with good friends, who cook for him, lay on booze and films and they eat out once a week too. He has time to run, cycles to and from work, takes his lunch break and sleeps very soundly for at least 8 hours every night.

Person_one

notanewuser wrote: »

. I'm not used to you agreeing with me.

Its definitely rare, but I think on issues to do with gender/sexism we're often on the same page, and I think that's a big part of what you're facing here.

CH27

You sound as though you see your DD as your ''job'' but she is both your ''jobs''

I think you need to book some time away & leave him to get on with it.
Things won't be done as you like them but that doesn't mean they are wrong.
You need to try to ease up on your control freak nature & let him parent your DD too.

notanewuser

FBaby wrote: »

Are you sure that there isn't a bit of controlling issues going on here? Some of the things you have stated as come across as such from my perspective

My parents live in another country and with working full-time, have only been able to see their grand-children twice a year at best. To make it worse, my parents are divorced, so we are talking about two lots of grand-parents. Still, at 3yo, my kids knew them well enough that they would have been able to stay with them for one evening.

She's not 3 yet, and I don't like the idea of her waking in the night with neither of us there. She couldn't only stay there for the evening because DH will be out till the wee hours partying with his brother!

FBaby wrote: »

Same with them staying over during the birth, I personally think it was rude to expect them to stay in a hotel when they were coming to meet their grand child for the first time. My parents came when mine were only a couple of days old, very excited and it wouldn't have cross my mind to expect them to stay in a hotel. If the problem was your concerned about their expected to be treated like in a hotel, you should have made it clear to your husband that either he made it clear to them that either they would have had to look after themselves mainly, or he had to do so.

The problem was that having discussed it months and months in advance, they had agreed to stay in a hotel. Even as the due date approached they were talking about it to DH. At no point did they tell either of us that they weren't happy about it. It was a shock, having not slept for more than an hour a night for a week, having gone through a difficult (forceps) delivery that left me in a lot of pain and having daily injections, and trying to establish breastfeeding etc for them to turn the tables like that. I wasn't physically or mentally capable of having anybody else in my home. I know that this put DH in a difficult position, but he had a poorly wife and new baby to think about.

My darling grandmother, at 84, came down on the train with my aunt and they stayed in a hotel, visiting us with my mum for no more than 1.5 hours a day. My mum and dad have spare rooms, but no, they didn't want to put anybody out.

FBaby wrote: »

I also thought your reaction to the comment made by your FIL regarding wishing your DD was a boy very extreme. I can imagine my father making such a comment, thinking it was funny, and my response would just have been something like 'yes, but consider how lucky you are when you'll get to go and watch her do her ballet show'.

FIL meant it. Girls are second class citizens in their family.

FBaby wrote: »

As for asking about how she is and skype, well it might be what you think they should do, but not doing so doesn't make them bad parents. My parents don't normally ask because I normally will tell them how my kids are before they need to ask. As for skype, I don't think they would see the point with a 3yo.

She's been skyping since she was tiny - my parents were living abroad too. I could understand if they couldn't see the point, but they suggest it, we set the laptop up ready, and then nothing.

FBaby wrote: »

I totally agree with you that expecting you to travel such a long way with your DD every month for just a week-end is unreasonable, but I don't see why he couldn't take her there on his own and her stay in the evening with the grand parents. If he cares that much about her building a better relationship with his parents, then it is up to him to make the effort to take her there. However, that is if you would let him do it, and maybe that's where the resentment is, that he feels that you don't give him a chance to do so.

No reason he couldn't take her up there himself (apart from logistics at the moment). As for staying with his parents, there's nowhere for either of them to sleep, for one. She'd be very upset if she woke in the night and neither of us were there. Much as she's happy visiting her grandparents, staying over is a completely different proposition.

FBaby wrote: »

The issue with the chocolate bar, unfortunate, but not the end of the world. At 3, she should be able to tell her dad that she was hungry. I'm sure if they'd been together a bit longer and she was starving, after shouting the place down that she was hungry, he would have finally got her something to eat.

She's not 3 yet. She was playing with her friends and food would have been the last thing she thought of while having so much fun. That's why he needed to be the adult and think of that for her.

He brought her back earlier than planned and it was then down to me to stop what I was doing to tell him how to sort out the problem. I don't know what stopped him from thinking "it's dinner time, what shall I feed DD?".

FBaby wrote: »

All I can say is that despite my kids seeing their grand-parents on my side a few times a year, they have build a strong relationship because when they have, I have always allowed them to interact without me in the way. Yes at the beginning it was a bit nerve wracking because I too felt that my parents had had serious memory issues with how to raise children, but never so bad that I thought my kids were in serious danger. They now fly there and stay with them on their own and they have a wonderful time.

I don't get in the way when we're up there. I'm there to chauffer about so that DH can have beer etc with his brothers and DD can see all of her cousins. It's not unheard of for me to clock up 1000 miles in one visit to them.

notanewuser

CH27 wrote: »

You sound as though you see your DD as your ''job'' but she is both your ''jobs''

I think you need to book some time away & leave him to get on with it.
Things won't be done as you like them but that doesn't mean they are wrong.
You need to try to ease up on your control freak nature & let him parent your DD too.

That's charming.

paulineb_2

Person_one wrote: »

I think somebody needs a week alone looking after their toddler.

You could say yes I do and not helped by your lack of support and your PITA family.

CH27

notanewuser wrote: »

That's charming.

Oh come on & admit it

I'm a control freak too

BugglyB

Do you even like your husband?

princessdon

notanewuser wrote: »

I don't hide it, but then we don't tend to speak when he's away.

Could you try to ring more? Maybe if you spoke daily when he's away it could improve, it's better to hear I live you voice to voice as opposed to text. Do you Skype daily? And I mean just you two when DD is in bed to talk adult stuff?

If not can you try?

poet123

notanewuser wrote: »

He's not in a hotel. He's staying with good friends, who cook for him, lay on booze and films and they eat out once a week too. He has time to run, cycles to and from work, takes his lunch break and sleeps very soundly for at least 8 hours every night.

Sightly different then, but long term would you prefer that or prefer being in your own home. Being a full time guest can, I imagine, get a bit wearing.

Confrontations rarely work with men imo. You have to try to remove the emotion and treat the negotiations like a business meeting. What you have said above would to him be critical and like saying he has it easy (you might think that but it is counter productive to be blunt) He could no doubt construct a scenario for your day which you would not agree with either.

You are a stay at home mum? He may have personal memories of that which bear no relation to what is entailed. He may think your job is part time and done from home so not stressful or time consuming. Incorrect probably but unless you sit down and really talk and listen to each other then neither of you will see the wood for the trees.

I do think that many times we make a rod for our own backs by second guessing men and their care of children. If they can forge a career and get through the day they can if allowed look after a child. Maybe not exactly how you would have done it but well enough.