Issues with DH (again)

notanewuser

LannieDuck wrote: »

Presumably that was mostly the evening tho, so DD was asleep?

It was in London, so I left at lunchtime and got back at about 4pm the following day.

notanewuser

paulineb wrote: »

How do you think you are going to resolve this issue? Do you think it can be resolved?

I really don't know.

poet123

Unless you make the time, eventually, time alone will be all both of you have. You can only put a sticking plaster over serious issues for so long before the wound festers.

notanewuser

Do you think each of us making a list of what we "need" and what we "want" and then discussing it might help?

poet123

Yes, I think it might, providing each of you accepts that you may not see needs and wants in the same way!!

I think the starting point has to be that someone says "enough" we need to sort this out without putting the blame on the other partner. Life and what families need to do (or sometimes what we feel we need to do) to bring in the money is responsible for the situation. So, issues are best approached from that angle rather than you do xx and you don't do x and that !!!!es me off!! Even if it is true!

notanewuser

Just asked whether he thinks the issues are caused by the stresses of life or not.

His reply: Seriously? You think your life is stressful?!

poet123

notanewuser wrote: »

Just asked whether he thinks the issues are caused by the stresses of life or not.

His reply: Seriously? You think your life is stressful?!

He is entrenched in his way of thinking.....we are all guilty of putting a better construction on someone else's life than maybe they would.

So, whilst you may think hotel living frees you from chores, he sees it as a lonely, anonymous place just to sleep but not "live". And he thinks that you being at home all the time do not actually have to do xyz on any given day and can see friends when you choose and get to enjoy your daughter. Whilst you see a different picture.

When you are in it, you wear blinkers and see only your own portion of the picture.

You said "his current contract is not exactly stressful" so both of you think they have it worse......

To thrash it out you have to lay the ground rules; neither party belittles the others contribution, you both listen and don't interrupt, and you both accept that what the other says is true even if you can't see it at the time. Then you try to sort it out so that you both feel valued and accepted. It isn't easy, but text messaging is not the way forward here, soundbites are short and easy to misinterpret or snap back.

princessdon

notanewuser wrote: »

Just asked whether he thinks the issues are caused by the stresses of life or not.

His reply: Seriously? You think your life is stressful?!

Person_one wrote: »

I think somebody needs a week alone looking after their toddler.

Do you tell him honestly your day or do you hide it?

Eg - hubby rang earlier and asked how my day was, peachy I said, been thrown up on twice, stripped the beds x threw up again, I stink of vomit, we can't go out so have cabin fever, I've got friends coming so need to cook/bake and haven't started my jobs yet? How's your day?

A few years ago I'd have said, x isn't well but I'm good.

Working away isn't much fun, I know I'd rather have my role than his most Days, but the thing is he knows how hard it is, he tells me time and time again that I'm amazing, how without me his life would be different. He didn't guess that, I had to stop being superwoman, tell him I felt unappreciated etc.

He didn't change overnight, still can be a selfish so and so, but it's much better. He's on the train now, so I can have a bath before friends arive and changed his ticket to 2 hours earlier to help.

FBaby

Are you sure that there isn't a bit of controlling issues going on here? Some of the things you have stated as come across as such from my perspective

My parents live in another country and with working full-time, have only been able to see their grand-children twice a year at best. To make it worse, my parents are divorced, so we are talking about two lots of grand-parents. Still, at 3yo, my kids knew them well enough that they would have been able to stay with them for one evening.

Same with them staying over during the birth, I personally think it was rude to expect them to stay in a hotel when they were coming to meet their grand child for the first time. My parents came when mine were only a couple of days old, very excited and it wouldn't have cross my mind to expect them to stay in a hotel. If the problem was your concerned about their expected to be treated like in a hotel, you should have made it clear to your husband that either he made it clear to them that either they would have had to look after themselves mainly, or he had to do so. I also thought your reaction to the comment made by your FIL regarding wishing your DD was a boy very extreme. I can imagine my father making such a comment, thinking it was funny, and my response would just have been something like 'yes, but consider how lucky you are when you'll get to go and watch her do her ballet show'. As for asking about how she is and skype, well it might be what you think they should do, but not doing so doesn't make them bad parents. My parents don't normally ask because I normally will tell them how my kids are before they need to ask. As for skype, I don't think they would see the point with a 3yo.

I totally agree with you that expecting you to travel such a long way with your DD every month for just a week-end is unreasonable, but I don't see why he couldn't take her there on his own and her stay in the evening with the grand parents. If he cares that much about her building a better relationship with his parents, then it is up to him to make the effort to take her there. However, that is if you would let him do it, and maybe that's where the resentment is, that he feels that you don't give him a chance to do so. The issue with the chocolate bar, unfortunate, but not the end of the world. At 3, she should be able to tell her dad that she was hungry. I'm sure if they'd been together a bit longer and she was starving, after shouting the place down that she was hungry, he would have finally got her something to eat.

All I can say is that despite my kids seeing their grand-parents on my side a few times a year, they have build a strong relationship because when they have, I have always allowed them to interact without me in the way. Yes at the beginning it was a bit nerve wracking because I too felt that my parents had had serious memory issues with how to raise children, but never so bad that I thought my kids were in serious danger. They now fly there and stay with them on their own and they have a wonderful time.

notanewuser

I don't hide it, but then we don't tend to speak when he's away.