Issues with DH (again)

Person_one

princessdon wrote: »

I think for some men they don't to toddlers. Mine was the same, he'd do nappies, park but it was almost like a chore not a love to. I'd be the idiot crawling on the floor making animal noises and he'd rather wash up. He loved bed time stories but he'd forget to feed at times too. In fact I used to leave a list of at 9 she plays, at 10 it's a drink, it detailed everything (Even down to how to put her to sleep).

He tried and failed miserably

You know, I don't really think its acceptable to just decide you 'don't do toddlers' when you've got one, presumably one that you planned and wanted.

What if both parents just 'don't do toddlers' so the toddler doesn't get its needs met by either, is that ok? What if the mother decides she 'doesn't do teenagers' so just completely fails to meet their needs from 13 onwards? Is that the same thing?

valk_scot

notanewuser wrote: »

DD goes to bed around 9pm.

9 pm for a not quite three year old? What time is she getting up in the morning? When mine were that age they needed 12 hours of sleep a day, 7pm to 7am.

I was a SAHM when the kids were small btw, with OH going away every Sunday afternoon and coming home Friday teatime. I had no family support at all here and most of the time I had two under -5s. OH used to come home thinking he needed some time off after a hard week but so did I, so we shared the childcare and chores over the weekend. Otherwise he'd hardly have seen the kids. I do think mostly absent fathers need proper 1:1 time with kids otherwise the child will just carry on looking to mum for everything, same as they do during the week. They (and Dad!) have to get used to managing together, which is why you should all make a firm point of Dad doing at least one thing alone with the kids every weekend.

notanewuser

valk_scot wrote: »

9 pm for a not quite three year old? What time is she getting up in the morning? When mine were that age they needed 12 hours of sleep a day, 7pm to 7am.

I was a SAHM when the kids were small btw, with OH going away every Sunday afternoon and coming home Friday teatime. I had no family support at all here and most of the time I had two under -5s. OH used to come home thinking he needed some time off after a hard week but so did I, so we shared the childcare and chores over the weekend. Otherwise he'd hardly have seen the kids. I do think mostly absent fathers need proper 1:1 time with kids otherwise the child will just carry on looking to mum for everything, same as they do during the week. They (and Dad!) have to get used to managing together, which is why you should all make a firm point of Dad doing at least one thing alone with the kids every weekend.

She gets at least 12 hours sleep a night - sometimes more like 13.

As I've said before, it's what works for us. If it stopped working for some reason then we'd change it.

valk_scot

notanewuser wrote: »

She gets at least 12 hours sleep a night - sometimes more like 13.

As I've said before, it's what works for us. If it stopped working for some reason then we'd change it.

If she went to bed earlier though you'd get a bit more free time in the evening, that's all. I used to look forwards to 7pm bedtimes, I had a long evening on my own to do anything I liked. Anyway, most of the time we'd have playgroup or whatever to get to by 9am and had to be up for hat.

Does your DD go to playgroup or nursery btw? A couple of half days a week would give you some time for yourself too.

notanewuser

valk_scot wrote: »

If she went to bed earlier though you'd get a bit more free time in the evening, that's all. I used to look forwards to 7pm bedtimes, I had a long evening on my own to do anything I liked. Anyway, most of the time we'd have playgroup or whatever to get to by 9am and had to be up for hat.

Does your DD go to playgroup or nursery btw? A couple of half days a week would give you some time for yourself too.

I have already said this, but yes, she started a playgroup in April, 3 mornings a week. It's term time only, so we're in holiday mode at the moment. Playgroup is 9:15am-12:45pm so she naturally adjusts her sleep to 8:30pm-8:30am when she has playgroup. The other class we do is at 10:45am, so her later wake up is fine for that.

I don't go to bed early because it doesn't suit me. I work best between 9pm and midnight.

Sleeping habits aren't the issue. It wouldn't work for any of us to have DD sleeping and waking earlier.

balletshoes

valk_scot wrote: »

I was a SAHM when the kids were small btw, with OH going away every Sunday afternoon and coming home Friday teatime. I had no family support at all here and most of the time I had two under -5s.
OH used to come home thinking he needed some time off after a hard week but so did I, so we shared the childcare and chores over the weekend. Otherwise he'd hardly have seen the kids. I do think mostly absent fathers need proper 1:1 time with kids otherwise the child will just carry on looking to mum for everything, same as they do during the week. They (and Dad!) have to get used to managing together, which is why you should all make a firm point of Dad doing at least one thing alone with the kids every weekend.

maybe you could discuss your family time together in this way with your OH, OP?

It makes sense to me .

valk_scot

notanewuser wrote: »

I have already said this, but yes, she started a playgroup in April, 3 mornings a week. It's term time only, so we're in holiday mode at the moment. Playgroup is 9:15am-12:45pm so she naturally adjusts her sleep to 8:30pm-8:30am when she has playgroup. The other class we do is at 10:45am, so her later wake up is fine for that.

I don't go to bed early because it doesn't suit me. I work best between 9pm and midnight.

Sleeping habits aren't the issue. It wouldn't work for any of us to have DD sleeping and waking earlier.

I never went to bed before midnight either. I'd have an hour or so of catching up with the chores and then settle down to something I couldn't do when they were around, work or hobbies or even just reading a book. If you're doing three hours of work per night, when do you do the non child friendly chores and , more importantly, when do you have a bit of time for yourself to have a bath or read a book in peace?

My other (hopefully helpful) suggestion is that you and OH don't seem to be that short of cash, so how about a cleaner a couple of mornings per week, so you don't have to worry about having to fit the basic housework in?

I think you'd feel a lot less resentful of your OH's free time if you took some independent steps to create some spare time for yourself tbh. If you had an extra hour or two in the evening, less chores to do and some time off at the weekend when OH took DD swimming or something and you went to the gym or lunch with a friend, you might feel life was more balanced, no? It can't all be childcare and work, you'll go mad.

notanewuser

So we talked. And talked. And talked some more. (I'm shattered!)

Long and the short of it is that DH hates being away. He doesn't ring or skype because it reminds him of what he's missing. He's "bigging up" the benefits of being away in the hope that he'll believe it. He didn't realise how hard I found it. He wishes he could be here with DD, and finds any suggestion that it's not always the idyllic situation he imagines hard to believe.

It's not long before DD is back at playgroup, and I'm going to make an effort to take advantage and have some "me time" on at least one of those mornings. He wasn't keen on taking DD out on his own every weekend, as he thought it would make him feel like a "weekend dad", which doesn't help his state of mind. But he's more than happy to do things with DD locally - walks, bike rides, picnics, going to the park, watching DVDs in bed on rainy days, pitching a tent in the garden etc. That should free me up to go out/be elsewhere doing my own thing.

Feeling much more positive now. We've had lots of family fun this weekend again, and seeing DD's face when daddy came out with us etc was priceless.

kettlefish

Glad you managed to talk to your DH over the weekend. I imagine it must be hard to bring up problems or issues when you see him so little. I know I would have been worried about "spoiling" the time together, so well done for prioritizing this over this weekend.

Sorry to hear he is finding it hard (although it must be a relief, in a way). Sounds like you are both on much the same page with DD, and I do hope the job situation can be temporary or at the very least, only semi-permanent.

That's great that he's going to spend a bit more time with just DD. To be fair, I can see why he wouldn't want to do anything majorly exciting with just her as he'd want you there too (and I'm sure you'd want to be there for anything really fun ). Even just an hour walking round to the swings with her will give you a break.

Hope you enjoy your "me-time". I hate the phrase (along with "yummy mummy" and "date night, haha) but I agree with the concept. My "me-time" this week (DD is having some time with grandma) will be watching Harry Potter in my dressing gown eating a Twirl . I can't wait!

lostinrates

Glad you talked.

I think this brings back the point that while many men get accused of getting the best of both worlds in this kind of lifestyle in can be incredibly hard for them too.

The only thing one can do if its a necessity IS focus on the positives as your DH has been doing until a closer to hme opportunity arises.