Issues with DH (again)

notanewuser

paulineb wrote: »

Too comfortable maybe and yes it sounds like hes missing out, maybe you need to point that out to him

I absolutely agree, you dont need to be on the phone 24/7, but somethings not right as Im sure you know

How long have you been married?

9 years (together 12).

paulineb_2

notanewuser wrote: »

9 years (together 12).

I may be way off the mark here, but it looks like hes taking you for granted, massively, I am assuming things havent always been like this

Or, there could be stuff hes unhappy about but hes just choosing not to discuss it with you.

FBaby

Many fathers do find it hard to interact with their very young children. For some it comes naturally, for some it doesn't. That doesn't make him a bad father, just as giving her only a bar of chocolate in whatever hours.

You seem to think that because he doesn't do with your DD what you do, it isn't right. Don't get me wrong, I know exactly that feeling and it is a very common one amongst mums who do most of the caring. I was like that too. But I was wrong. As my kids have grown up, they have just build a different relationship with their dad than with me and vice versa. Maybe he is not as good as interacting with her now, but who says that when she turns 16 and faces typical teenage issues, he will be much better than you at talking to her about it?

It sounds like communication has completely broken down between the two of you because you are completely focus on your individual wants and needs and feeling the other is not responding to them rather than trying to focus on what the other might feel and need.

LannieDuck

Dunroamin wrote: »

It's interesting (and worrying) that you don't want to spend more time with your husband.

Not really. I have a good friend who was worried about retirement because it would mean spending much more time with her partner (who she loved very much)! Isn't there a famous couple who live in houses next door to each other with a door knocked through between them?

Some people just need their own space more than others.

princessdon

notanewuser wrote: »

We've never talked to each other every day when apart. I don't think that's particularly odd.

I lived on my own for 6 years before meeting DH, and then we had a LDR so only saw each other at weekends. I'm perfectly comfortable on my own, as is he.

I trust him to look after DD - in so far as she won't come to harm when she's with him. However, he doesn't often make the best of the time with her. He'll lie on the sofa with his phone and stick the telly on for her rather than play a game or do a puzzle or go to the park etc. I suppose it's him who really misses out with that, but I feel I have to try and persuade him for DD's sake. I guess he probably sees that as nagging.

I don't think it's groundhog day. When people suggested we do something as a family during trips up north I listened and we did it. And you were all right about that. I do take things on board, but i suppose we all revert to type sometimes.

I think for some men they don't to toddlers. Mine was the same, he'd do nappies, park but it was almost like a chore not a love to. I'd be the idiot crawling on the floor making animal noises and he'd rather wash up. He loved bed time stories but he'd forget to feed at times too. In fact I used to leave a list of at 9 she plays, at 10 it's a drink, it detailed everything (Even down to how to put her to sleep).

He tried and failed miserably

That's when I realised she was part of both of us, he is more chilled and haphazard, my strengths are not his. So when I found her asleep on the floor (no quilt or pillow) I realised how lucky she was to have both. Yeah he'd rather feed pizza than cook a meal, yeah he'd give more treats, yeah time is irrelevant to him. More importantly if he wanted to sit with her and show her the IPad, he wanted to take her fishing or a long walk (often without a drink) it was fine.

He wouldn't hurt her, just different to me. I smiled at them asleep on the sofa together with tweenies video on, not think she hasn't had her bath.

Over time when they got older he started to really, really enjoy their activities. I hate caving and camping, it's their time, it really does change as they get older and many men find they have more in common when they can build lego, chase round the park as opposed to pushing a swing etc.

Give him a chance, accept it is probably nit your way or how you'd do it, but that is their special bond they are building, it's their way of being together.

Then try quality time with just you and him.

All of us mothers who are alone Monday to Friday will tell you how important this is.

Start phoning each other, start listening and start to let go. There is no reason why he can't do the banking and finances whilst away for example. Find a way for him to help you.

I don't think it's all his issue, I think from done of your posts that there are things you can do too. It's not criticism I know how easy it is to do it all alone and then get resentful, but once my OH and I dealt with similar issues I realised I want actually allowing him to be an equal in the home.

He still frustates me, just less so.

notanewuser

LannieDuck wrote: »

Not really. I have a good friend who was worried about retirement because it would mean spending much more time with her partner (who she loved very much)! Isn't there a famous couple who live in houses next door to each other with a door knocked through between them?

Some people just need their own space more than others.

Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Robbins. I think it's an absolutely genius idea.

Dunroamin

LannieDuck wrote: »

Not really. I have a good friend who was worried about retirement because it would mean spending much more time with her partner (who she loved very much)! Isn't there a famous couple who live in houses next door to each other with a door knocked through between them?

Some people just need their own space more than others.

You're hardly living in each others' pockets if one member is working away a lot!

Dunroamin

notanewuser wrote: »

Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Robbins. I think it's an absolutely genius idea.

Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton.

sassyblue

FBaby wrote: »

Many fathers do find it hard to interact with their very young children. For some it comes naturally, for some it doesn't. That doesn't make him a bad father, just as giving her only a bar of chocolate in whatever hours.

You seem to think that because he doesn't do with your DD what you do, it isn't right. Don't get me wrong, I know exactly that feeling and it is a very common one amongst mums who do most of the caring. I was like that too. But I was wrong. As my kids have grown up, they have just build a different relationship with their dad than with me and vice versa. Maybe he is not as good as interacting with her now, but who says that when she turns 16 and faces typical teenage issues, he will be much better than you at talking to her about it?

I love that Fbaby, great points. X

notanewuser

Dunroamin wrote: »

Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton.

That's it!! I was almost there!