Issues with DH (again)

notanewuser

I know there are bigger things going on in the world, but I'm tired and hormonal and in need of some advice/perspective on this. Feel free to read previous threads, but the synopsis is:

1. DH from large family, all of whom live between 250 and 300 miles from us (they all live relatively close);
2. We are very much "out of sight, out of mind" and go months without hearing from DH's family (who all have the technology for that not to be the case);
3. When DH does hear from them it is always because they want something - they never ask how DD or I are;
4. DH works away from home at the moment, and is home for less than 48 hours each weekend. This coincides with DD being home full time due to holidays (she's almost 3) and me having a fair bit of consultancy work to do from home. This situation will continue until early October.
5. We've a holiday booked afterwards which is something to look forward to, but at the weekend DH and I agreed that we wouldn't be planning any visits in September because everything will be a bit manic. We will be visiting next weekend for our nephew's christening. DH will get the train there and I'll spend a whole day driving up with DD (who is mid-potty training at the moment). Not my idea of fun, but there we go.

DH rang tonight to tell me that his brother, who is celebrating a significant birthday in September, has invited him to a club night in September. With this obviously not being a family event, and with the invitation not coming to or mentioning me I suggested that DH just go up himself. After all, if they're going to be out all day and night, it will be me looking after DD all weekend, and I don't need to drive 500 miles plus for that.

DH is now sulking. Has suggested we leave DD with his parents. His parents who haven't got to know her, can't be bothered to phone her (my 87 year old nan rings her every week!), can't be bothered to skype her, wouldn't know what to do with her. I'm not doing it, and he's not happy. Besides, I'm obviously not invited anyway!

I've come to realise that he will never, ever take my side over anything relating to his family. He won't see that their behaviour makes me not want to go above and beyond for any of them. Every visit costs us a minimum of £300 because nobody has room for us to stay at their house when we go up. But it's my fault that his parents don't know DD because we only go up there about 6 times a year (and we can't even guarantee that they'll make time to see us when we do).

I'm sick of this being an issue, and am interested to know whether anybody sees any other ways to deal with this. I thought suggesting DH skip a weekend with us to go and be with his brother was a nice gesture, but it seems not.


Help, anybody?

princessdon

Just let him go, it's his brother, he works long hours, life is too short.
Tell him to go alone.
Its not every weekend, its not regular.

He may decide not to go if he misses you and baby. But don't influence this, just give permission and or acceptance/blessing and see what happens. It's his family.

OH will go overseas this weekend for a family wedding to a relative I don't know and wasn't invited. Meh - tis life, I will take mum to a Spa soon and he has kids.

Just_Plain_Jane

princessdon wrote: »

Just let him go, it's his brother, he works long hours, life is too short.
Tell him to go alone.
Its not every weekend, its not regular.

He may decide not to go if he misses you and baby. But don't influence this, just give permission and or acceptance/blessing and see what happens. It's his family.

OH will go overseas this weekend for a family wedding to a relative I don't know and wasn't invited. Meh - tis life, I will take mum to a Spa soon and he has kids.

OP has already suggested her OH go alone, it's him who has a problem with her staying at home.

princessdon

Just_Plain_Jane wrote: »

OP has already suggested her OH go alone, it's him who has a problem with her staying at home.

I know which is why I said make it clear you don't mind (actions and words are different) no hard feelings, glad for them to go etc, then its their choice with no comebacks.

Saying you go IF its met with child hasn't seen you, you haven't been home etc wont work. Genuine go and I'm happy, it's then their choice. One that can't be re raised.

notanewuser

Sorry - perhaps my post was unclear.

I've suggested he go that weekend alone. At the moment I don't care if he goes up there every bloody weekend.

The issue is the ros! tinted specs he has on when it comes to his family. We've been together 12 years, married 9, have a child together and he still can't even try to see my point of view against defending his family.

princessdon

notanewuser wrote: »

Sorry - perhaps my post was unclear.

I've suggested he go that weekend alone. At the moment I don't care if he goes up there every bloody weekend.

The issue is the ros! tinted specs he has on when it comes to his family. We've been together 12 years, married 9, have a child together and he still can't even try to see my point of view against defending his family.

In all honesty just make it clear no hard feelings and go IF you want.

His decision as an adult is his

But ... Your OP Makes it sound like you'd rather he didn't - mentioning weekends home limited, how your feelings he'd rather not as don't care for them eTC

Give him a free pass genuine with no strings or throwing back in face. No mention of DD hasn't seen you. You then have done all you can, decision is his, but I do feel you are inadvertently laying guilt, I do sometimes as being the main carer when his family do jack shoot to help or communicate annoys.

My personal advice is a no strings pass out

They normally weigh up importance, but don't lay strings or guilt etc.

notanewuser

Thanks. That's exactly what I did. Suggested he go and have a great time. He didn't realise initially that it was such an adult night, so he suggested DD and I go up too. When I pointed out later that DD wouldn't be able to go clubbing (she's not even 3 yet!) he suggested leaving her with his parents. I pointed out (calmly) that a) I wasn't actually invited and that b) I would rather not leave DD with his parents as they don't know each other well enough he started stropping about that being my fault for not going up there often enough.

He doesn't get that it's stressful for me looking after DD full time. He jokes that life has never been so relaxed for him as he's working shorter days, having meals cooked for him and has time to run and cycle and read and watch movies. We already go up there every other month. I don't need to be going up there more!!!

DevilsAdvocate1

notanewuser wrote: »

Sorry - perhaps my post was unclear.

I've suggested he go that weekend alone. At the moment I don't care if he goes up there every bloody weekend.

The issue is the ros! tinted specs he has on when it comes to his family. We've been together 12 years, married 9, have a child together and he still can't even try to see my point of view against defending his family.

Things can change. My DH could never see that his family made me feel unwelcome. Then one day, about 18 months ago, his mum started having a go at me when DH was upstairs. We did not hear him come down, so he opened the living room door and could instantly tell that his mum was having a go at me.

It was absolutely amazing because he came straight to my side and wanted to know exactly what was going on. He takes my situation much more seriously now and even suggested that we did not have to see them again if I did not want to. I would never do this though as I would be devastated if my children did this to me and I know his mum loves DH and our children. (Just not me!!!! :rotfl: )

I hope things improve for you.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Dear husband. I'm sick of this being an issue. I am not driving x hundred miles to an event that I'm not even invited to. I'm not leaving our daughter with people she doesn't know. And it's not my fault that your family can't be arsed to get to know our daughter. I have no more to say on the subject.

lostinrates

I think a lot of people would find it awkward to chat to a very young child on the phone or Skype. I'm not saying they are right, but I do think perhaps its worth cutting them some slack over that. It is likely the relation ship with your daughter will be more distant if she is not as geographically close and they are not as e,optionally close to you and as keen to engage technologically. Its hoe the cookie crumbles. ( I don't say that meanly, I was brought up in different country from maternal grandparents, to whom I think kids are often closer, and often on different countries from paternal grandparents....I know its a shame...but its how it is...life goes on)

It might be that your husband is keen for you to go because he loves you and wants to spend time with you but also perhaps its important because its bonding and further establishes the idea that you and your daughter are 'family' and it would make the technology using contact increasingly easier.

Personally, I don't go to dh's family stuff usually, though I thoroughly encourage him to, reminding him of dates for birthdays etc, so you have my sympathy. I don't know what I'd do if we had a kid....my guess is those would be daddy kid weekends away and my weekends off!

peachyprice

notanewuser wrote: »

DH rang tonight to tell me that his brother, who is celebrating a significant birthday in September, has invited him to a club night in September. With this obviously not being a family event, and with the invitation not coming to or mentioning me I suggested that DH just go up himself. After all, if they're going to be out all day and night, it will be me looking after DD all weekend, and I don't need to drive 500 miles plus for that.

I can't understand what is wrong with your suggestion. Why would you want to drive all that way for a night out? It's madness.

You OH is being totally unreasonable expecting you to drag your daughter there just to sit in a hotel room while he goes out on the razz.

Tell him to grow a pair and either stick up for you or accept that he'll have to see his family by himself. There's no way I'd be putting myself and my child out to go somewhere where I'm wasn't particularly welcome.