Issues with DH (again)

Annisele

notanewuser wrote: »

He doesn't get that it's stressful for me looking after DD full time. He jokes that life has never been so relaxed for him as he's working shorter days, having meals cooked for him and has time to run and cycle and read and watch movies. We already go up there every other month. I don't need to be going up there more!!!

Are you sure that the real issue is your DH taking not taking your side over his family?

If DH was doing half the childcare, half the cooking, and *you* had time to run and cycle and do whatever it is you want to do - would you then be quite as annoyed over his family?

balletshoes

I honestly don't know how you resolve this OP - I've always done any visiting I wanted to do, travelling all over the country, with my DD, since she was a baby. My OH can come if he wants to and always gets an invitation, but its perfectly fine with both him and I if he doesn't want to/is working, whatever. Same with him - his family live 2 flights and an overnight coach journey away, and I've never visited them, we've only ever met his family together if we're all in the same vicinity at the same time.

I think the difference with us is that - I'm close to my family (though not by physical distance) so I'm willing and happy to travel to see them and spend time with them. My OH is not close to his family (either by feelings or distance) and so he goes on the long journey out of duty, nothing else.

paulineb_2

I think the bigger issue is the lack of support you seem to be getting from your husband.

aileth

OP, I feel ever so sorry for you as I'm in similar shoes, I can't really help as I haven't fixed it myself. He is very quick to criticise my family, but woe betide me if I say anything about his. It's terribly frustrating as they do take advantage of him and seem to 'forget' him while lavishing his younger brother with money and affection, but even if they were serial killers in his eyes they've done no wrong and it makes you feel awfully alone and unsupportive. I've just stopped getting involved with them and wait for the hopeful day they hang themselves taking advantage of him and he wakes up and realised. Good look, OP.

belfastgirl23

There's a lot going on here.

There's the issue about your DH working away and you having sole care of your daughter.

There's the issue of you not liking your DH's family.

Then there's the party.

At the minute you're conflating all three things into one argument and I think it's not helping.

If you don't want to drive 500 miles to go to a party then it's ok to say so. I think the issue of not being invited is something you're kind of making up to support your argument TBH, my DH's family often phone him to invite him to things, we always presume it's an invite to both of us (unless it's clearly a boy's only event) and I would never expect them to contact me independently. So unless his brother specifically said 'do not bring your wife' you are invited. By acting as if that's not the case your DH is thinking you're being unreasonable, which you are. It's fine to say you can't face the drive with a baby on your own but don't make it about not being invited.

Also I think you're being very hard on your DH's family. They have a different way of being than your family obviously. Some families are closer and spend a lot of time together, others less so. Honestly I think it's ok for your husband to love his family and want to spend time with them and I think it's a bit mean spirited to keep pointing out to him how unsupportive and unpleasant they are. and frankly if you keep attacking them then he will keep defending them, that's how families work. Why does it need to be a choice? Why would you want to put him in that position? It's really not nice.

Finally the issue of you feeling alone and unsupported. That's fair enough, I can see exactly why you feel this. But did you agree to your husband working away (however reluctantly) - do you think this is the right thing in the long term for your family? If yes you need to suck it up frankly. If no then you need to actually sit down and talk to him about this rather than making the issue about all sorts of other things. You need to figure out what it is you want and then ask for it.

Sorry I know this is a kind of a blunt message but I think you're in a bit of tailspin at the minute and need to pull yourself out of it and have a good think. There are things that you're upset about and then things you're arguing with him about. From an outside perspective you're tackling symptoms rather than the cause and this is especially bad since you get to spend so little time together and these kinds of grievances can put a huge strain on a relationship.

Good luck!

paulineb_2

Ive seen some of the previous threads the OP posted, I dont think shes being mean spirited in the slightest. Going by some of the previous behaviour towards her and her husband

OP, I do think you need to try and get this into the open once and for all or issues like this are going to keep happening.

marisco_2

There are two ways of looking at this situation.

Initially I would have responded pretty much as you did. You have happily agreed to your dh spending some time with his brother to celebrate his birthday, but don't see the need to go up as the invite is not extended to you. As you say it appears to be a boys weekend, not family orientated. As your mil and fil have little bond or connection to your dd I can understand your reservations about leaving her with them.

Maybe though the whole weekend wouldn't be taken up with your dh being with his brother. Perhaps he wants you to go along and leave your dd with his parents, so he can spend some quality time with you too. As you only see each other at weekends perhaps he doesn't want to miss out altogether on seeing you that weekend. Have a chat with him and reach a compromise you are both happy with is my advice.

notanewuser

Started typing a reply to above points on my phone, but DD has pinched it. Will post as soon as I get it back.

Mojisola

notanewuser wrote: »

He doesn't get that it's stressful for me looking after DD full time.

He jokes that life has never been so relaxed for him as he's working shorter days, having meals cooked for him and has time to run and cycle and read and watch movies.

We already go up there every other month. I don't need to be going up there more!!!

What a thing to say! You're working and have sole care of a 3 year old and the house - if he can't see that you're under pressure, he needs to swap roles with you for a week.

It's bad enough that you're loaded with the responsibility at the moment but for him to joke about how easy his life is either insensitive or uncaring or a bit stupid!

Errata

TBH it's totally unreasonable of him to expect a 3 year old to travel 500 miles over the space of a weekend. Point that out to him and stick up for your DD.