Issues with DH (again)

princessdon

Honestly your post could have been mine 10 years ago (very similar situations). OH contracting therefore single life mentality Monday to Friday, then on weekends needing his social life at home, me feeling tired and slightly resentful, then family issues on top.

His culture is that women don't work, so his mother expects me to stop my life and react to hers. Ie go to Spain for a wedding (I can't I work term time), or take her to hospital appts. His family is huge and they are very very close. He has over 100 cousins and they are very close and there is always a family do of some sort I'm expected to drag my kids to.

My advice as someone 10 years down the line is to never be negative where possible about his family it's hard and your tongue bleeds from biting, but possible.

Say DD and I aren't going as its a boys night, but we can discuss a better time for DD to see her family when it's convenient, this isn't the occasion. You go, give them our love and get DD to draw. A picture for him to take to give grandparents.

Then the hard part - you need to let go of the past, accept his parents aren't your favourite people and try to work through the main issue which is he takes you for granted and it's not fair.

There are a few issues that seem to be rolling into the visit, but they are separate and need to be treat separately. Eg it's a boys occasion, whether you need to have a family occasion soon with them is another issue. Treat them separate,

On a different note, you are a very strong woman and I admire that, but we all need some respite and TLC, look after yourself and try to take some time for you.

BugglyB

notanewuser wrote: »

I thought I'd already answered that.

Because we don't go there "enough".

Because I couldn't let his parents come and stay when DD was born. We had a very long and difficult labour and I needed to focus on looking after DD/establishing feeding and needed to feel comfortable in my own home, not running around after them and having to leave the room because FIL is uncomfortable with breasts. (In fairness, his mother understood and was embarrassed about FIL's insistence that they were only coming if they stayed here. It would have cost around £40 a night at the local premier inn and they're reasonably well off. We'd have paid for them to come, but he wouldn't accept that.)

FIL is inherantly racist and sexist. I've warned him about saying things around DD but he thinks it's funny. When they did meet her (she was a few weeks old) he told her it was a shame she wasn't a boy because she wouldn't be able to play football. I told him (hormones ) that if he ever said anything like that to her again he wouldn't be seeing her at all.

It's endemic across the family - it's not just his parents, it's his brothers and their families too.

I don't care about them ignoring me, but ignoring DD brings out my inner tigress. Missing presents, non-existent skypes, no attention. Is it really any wonder I resist going up there more than absolutely necessary?

To be honest they don't sound that bad; just sounds like the usual in law tension, ie you are different types of people.

I don't see what you will get from DH admitting that his family are awful other than a sense of satisfaction and a miserable husband.

Edit to add - your husband saying his life is grand while you are feeling tired and stressed is not on! Sounds like he needs a good talking to on that score. And you need some R + R....

notanewuser

Dunroamin wrote: »

You mentioned the driving a couple of times - is that why he's so insistent on your going, because he doesn't want to have to drive?

He would be getting the train...............??

Dunroamin

notanewuser wrote: »

He would be getting the train...............??

That was going to be my next suggestion.:)

princessdon

Also for me it got easier as kids got older, he's always been a good dad but when toddlers didn't share their interests. He'd paint but not enjoy it, now they are older he loves being with them. He takes them surfing, diving, skiing, football bike rides, caving and camping etc. much more common interests so much so I feel like a spare part at times and I now have time to do what I want.

Also kids when older can handle travel and being with none familiar family better.

TeamLowe

I really feel for you OP my in laws are far far from perfect and DH refuses to think anything less of them, even though his mother has done serveral things to him that i will never forgive her for.

So I choose to pick my battles as nothing will change on that front and I feel that to fight about it solves nothing and just drives a wedge between us

So our deal is that he goes to see his family when he wants, I go to see my family when I want and it's up to the other if they go with them. It'll remain the same when we have children - if he wants our baby to see its grandmother then he takes him/her there and I'll come if I choose to. It helps that this is how my parents have always done it as well.

So I'd be saying that they're your parents, it's your daughter, if you want them to spend more time together then you take one to see the other.

Of course, it may turn out that the real secret to his huffing and puffing is that he doesn't actually like his family but can't admit it, not even to himself and they're only bearable when you're around for support.

This is what we had with his awful narcissistic father. after another torrent of abuse aimed at me I put my foot down and said you can do what you like but I'm having nothing more to do with them. DH decided he also didn't want anything more to do with them and now he's incredibly angry at himself for letting it go on so long. It was clear that only the support I gave him made him put up with it

Or he could just be a lazy git and getting your to chauffer him is better than getting the train...

Prothet_of_Doom

notanewuser wrote: »

Sorry - perhaps my post was unclear.

I've suggested he go that weekend alone. At the moment I don't care if he goes up there every bloody weekend.

The issue is the ros! tinted specs he has on when it comes to his family. We've been together 12 years, married 9, have a child together and he still can't even try to see my point of view against defending his family.

he sounds like me.

:eek:

notanewuser

Dunroamin wrote: »

That was going to be my next suggestion.:)

I'm not going to drive 175 miles in the wrong direction before doing 300 up north!! :eek:

sassyblue

notanewuser wrote: »

He doesn't get that it's stressful for me looking after DD full time. He jokes that life has never been so relaxed for him as he's working shorter days, having meals cooked for him and has time to run and cycle and read and watch movies. We already go up there every other month. I don't need to be going up there more!!!

I have found with some men they don't realise just how hard it is looking after children. You create them together yet the man goes back to work and the woman does the lions share of parenting and housework. My OH is guilty of this and the disagreements we've had over it, he genuinely believes he is doing half of everything when he's home - l won't list everything but he isn't! However, if my hubby said to me what yours joked to you about his ears would still be burning.

notanewuser wrote: »

He's now in a major sulk.

Awwww hubby will have to sulk. :rotfl: Your hubby is the problem OP not his family.

It sounds like you have the gist of them and are happy with the amount of time you spend with them, it sounds like hubby is the one bothered about living so far from his family. He's trying to 'force' the relationship more than letting his own family live their life - who honestly wants to be trekking 600 miles every 8 weeks? Maybe his family would skype more if they knew you weren't turning up every few weeks, can't hubby make the effort to skype them most weekends?

Is your hubby usually sensitive to yours and your little ones needs?

sassyblue

notanewuser wrote: »

He would be getting the train...............??

Yes, l wondered why to that statement, is it because he's working somewhere else in the country and meeting the OP at his mum and dads?