Issues with DH (again)

Errata

notanewuser wrote: »

The trouble is that with 5 grandchildren under 2 up there, they don't have the time to come here, because one or other brother wants them looking after their kids.

They could make time, but they prefer to prioritise their other grandchildren over yours.

balletshoes

BugglyB wrote: »

Aside from not having to go to this event, and your husband being ok with that, what is it that you actually want?

What does 'sticking up for you against his family' mean in practical terms?

I understood from the OP that her husband is not okay with her and their DD staying home while he goes to the family event - thats the problem.

notanewuser

BugglyB wrote: »

Aside from not having to go to this event, and your husband being ok with that, what is it that you actually want?

What does 'sticking up for you against his family' mean in practical terms?

I want him to see that his family aren't actually perfect, and stop laying the blame on me for them not being as close to DD as they are to their other grandchildren.

I've never once heard them ask how DD is when they have phoned DH (for whatever it is that they want this time). Not once. DH brushes it off saying that they know he'll tell them if there's anything wrong with her (so no opportunity to talk about positives then).

((sigh))

notanewuser

Errata wrote: »

They could make time, but they prefer to prioritise their other grandchildren over yours.

Which I really don't mind. DD has very doting grandparents here who do spend time with her and would walk over 200 miles of hot coals to see her if that was the only option.

I only ever had one set of grandparents, who lived 200 miles away, and that wasn't a problem. I'm not concerned about that from DD's perspective.

DH's parents have always prioritised the other brothers over DH. Not that DH would ever admit it.

BugglyB

balletshoes wrote: »

I understood from the OP that her husband is not okay with her and their DD staying home while he goes to the family event - thats the problem.

Yes - my question meant, aside from wanting to not go and wanting her husband to be ok with that, what else does she want?

BugglyB

notanewuser wrote: »

I want him to see that his family aren't actually perfect, and stop laying the blame on me for them not being as close to DD as they are to their other grandchildren.

I've never once heard them ask how DD is when they have phoned DH (for whatever it is that they want this time). Not once. DH brushes it off saying that they know he'll tell them if there's anything wrong with her (so no opportunity to talk about positives then).

((sigh))

Why does he lay the blame on you for that?

aileth

LannieDuck wrote: »

I was going to say that if you're always the ones making the effort to go and see them, I can't see why your OH says it's your fault DD doesn't know his parents - 6 x a year is loads of times to visit them 500 miles away - if you're always visiting them, they could always visit you if they wanted to get to know DD more.

... but I can see now that this approach wouldn't help

My parents are 60 miles away and we go every 1-2 months. Even that feels like a bloody chore, I couldn't imagine 500 miles 6x yearly.

balletshoes

notanewuser wrote: »

I want him to see that his family aren't actually perfect, and stop laying the blame on me for them not being as close to DD as they are to their other grandchildren.

I've never once heard them ask how DD is when they have phoned DH (for whatever it is that they want this time). Not once. DH brushes it off saying that they know he'll tell them if there's anything wrong with her (so no opportunity to talk about positives then).

((sigh))

you can't make him see that his family aren't perfect - thats not your job and if you try he'll defend his family - I would too, I think anyone would.

Laying the blame on you for your DD not being so close to her grandparents as the other children are, is not on, it works both ways, and its also down to your OH more than you I think, to work out a way of achieving what he wants to achieve - after all, its his family.

notanewuser

BugglyB wrote: »

Why does he lay the blame on you for that?

I thought I'd already answered that.

Because we don't go there "enough".

Because I couldn't let his parents come and stay when DD was born. We had a very long and difficult labour and I needed to focus on looking after DD/establishing feeding and needed to feel comfortable in my own home, not running around after them and having to leave the room because FIL is uncomfortable with breasts. (In fairness, his mother understood and was embarrassed about FIL's insistence that they were only coming if they stayed here. It would have cost around £40 a night at the local premier inn and they're reasonably well off. We'd have paid for them to come, but he wouldn't accept that.)

FIL is inherantly racist and sexist. I've warned him about saying things around DD but he thinks it's funny. When they did meet her (she was a few weeks old) he told her it was a shame she wasn't a boy because she wouldn't be able to play football. I told him (hormones ) that if he ever said anything like that to her again he wouldn't be seeing her at all.

It's endemic across the family - it's not just his parents, it's his brothers and their families too.

I don't care about them ignoring me, but ignoring DD brings out my inner tigress. Missing presents, non-existent skypes, no attention. Is it really any wonder I resist going up there more than absolutely necessary?

Dunroamin

You mentioned the driving a couple of times - is that why he's so insistent on your going, because he doesn't want to have to drive?