Issues with DH (again)

notanewuser

Thanks for all of the above responses. To clarify a few things:

I do like the members of OH's family - but their behaviour is something I don't think I'll ever understand. My family are fairly close, but spread all over the place geographically. I usually do a trip to visit them every 3 months-ish just DD and I during the week so that it doesn't impact so much on family time.

DH is a contractor, so sometimes his work is away. It's always been that way, and that isn't a problem. It's usually a time for us to recharge etc, but obviously since DD has been around its meant a rest for him and more effort for me, but I'm okay with that. We do have slightly different ideas about what constitutes "quality time" when he's home at weekends, but for the most part we survive.

I have no issue with not being invited. Invites have been sent using FB and none of the brothers' wives or GFs have been included. FB is one of the main routes of contact in the family so I'd say its clearly a boys' only event, which is absolutely find by me. I assume that's because all 4 of them now have children, so we women folk must stay behind for the children. That's fine, but as I said, I don't need to travel 300 miles to sit in a hotel room and do that! Especially when September will be so manic at home.

It was DH who started the "discussion" about why his parents don't know DD well. They love seeing her when we go, that's not in dispute, but it's the lack of any contact in between that knocks the corners off. They've Skype her sporadically since she's been born. DH gets phone alls sometimes where they mention skyping at the weekend. DD is a very chatty thing who is very used to using Skype. Again, when they do Skype they enjoy it. They just don't do it very often.

There is no issue with me not being invited - I wouldn't want to go anyway. The issue is that DH is blaming me for DD not knowing her grandparents and implying that I don't make enough effort, which is a joke (previous threads explain more).

notanewuser

marisco wrote: »

Maybe though the whole weekend wouldn't be taken up with your dh being with his brother. Perhaps he wants you to go along and leave your dd with his parents, so he can spend some quality time with you too. As you only see each other at weekends perhaps he doesn't want to miss out altogether on seeing you that weekend. Have a chat with him and reach a compromise you are both happy with is my advice.

He would be coming after work on Friday, so wouldn't arrive until around 10pm. They're hitting the pubs at 11am the next morning and planning on going to a club that closes at 4/5am on Sunday morning. DD and I would need to leave around lunchtime if travelling back in the daytime - I doubt DH will even be conscious by then. If we leave later, DD could sleep in the car, but I'll be tired and will have spent 2 days travelling 500 miles for Sunday lunch. I'm just not prepared to do it. I'm not going to suggest he shouldn't, so I don't understand his problem with it.

notanewuser

Errata wrote: »

TBH it's totally unreasonable of him to expect a 3 year old to travel 500 miles over the space of a weekend. Point that out to him and stick up for your DD.

She's quite used to it because its how all trips are done. Difference is that usually he is there to entertain her so that I can concentrate on driving. As he's away I have to do the entertaining and the driving, on top of being tired from being alone all week.

Will be doing it in a couple of weeks for the first time. What I actually said to DH was that I couldn't commit to going up there until I've seen how it works for just DD and I to be in the car, especially as she's potty training. And that i hadn't planned doing anything in September because of other things going on. Then when he suggested leaving DD with his parents and I said no, it kicked off. He's now in a major sulk.

Errata

Does he understand the wear and tear a 3 year old would be subjec to travelling hundreds of miles in a short time?

LannieDuck

You say you see his family 6 times a year - is it always you going to visit them, or do they make the effort to come and see you?

balletshoes

Errata wrote: »

Does he understand the wear and tear a 3 year old would be subjec to travelling hundreds of miles in a short time?

In my experience its a lot easier driving hundreds of miles with a 3~year old than it is with a 9 or 10~year old. at 3 my DD would sleep a good portion of the 6~hour journey , with toilet breaks and a meal break in between. its tiring being the driver though especially if you dont get at least a couple of days before you turn round and start driving home again.

notanewuser

LannieDuck wrote: »

You say you see his family 6 times a year - is it always you going to visit them, or do they make the effort to come and see you?

:rotfl:

DH has his parents plus 3 brothers ( who now have wives/partners and children).

Up till we had DD they had an open invitation to visit us.

1 brother has visited once. 1 brother has been here twice. Third brother has been here maybe 6 times. His parents have come maybe 10 times (in 12 years).

When DD was born they refused to visit unless they could stay with us. It caused all sorts of rows (I refused) in DDs first few days and I'll never forgive them for that.

When they come here they expect waiting on hand and foot. I don't sit down all weekend. Last year we had all if them here. That was 8 adults, 2 babies and a dog, in addition to DD and us. I was exhausted by the time they left.

Parents and 1 brother and his family came for a long weekend after their holiday in June. It was my niece's birthday, so I ended up organising a day out, making her cake, cooking etc. They used a whole roll of my wrapping paper on her presents, and didn't bring a single nappy for 2 children. They used ours. When they left I realised they'd left 2 or 3 nappies for DD. We didn't get a single thank you. DH sees nothing wrong with any of this.

When we go up there they'll routinely arrange to be elsewhere/nights out etc. Our visits are planned with them, we don't just turn up!!

LannieDuck

I was going to say that if you're always the ones making the effort to go and see them, I can't see why your OH says it's your fault DD doesn't know his parents - 6 x a year is loads of times to visit them 500 miles away - if you're always visiting them, they could always visit you if they wanted to get to know DD more.

... but I can see now that this approach wouldn't help

notanewuser

LannieDuck wrote: »

I was going to say that if you're always the ones making the effort to go and see them, I can't see why your OH says it's your fault DD doesn't know his parents - 6 x a year is loads of times to visit them 500 miles away - if you're always visiting them, they could always visit you if they wanted to get to know DD more.

... but I can see now that this approach wouldn't help

The trouble is that with 5 grandchildren under 2 up there, they don't have the time to come here, because one or other brother wants them looking after their kids.

BugglyB

Aside from not having to go to this event, and your husband being ok with that, what is it that you actually want?

What does 'sticking up for you against his family' mean in practical terms?