Politely setting boundaries with houseguests

miss_independent

paulineb wrote: »

Why do you bother with these people? Id have no issue with them being in my kitchen as long as they cleaned up but these relatives seem to be wiping their feet all over you and you are still making excuses for them

You went on holiday to Florida and they behaved appallingly and now they are coming to your home

Its obvious they are going to behave badly in your home if they behave badly elsewhere.

Because they are family and aside from my parents, I don't have alot of family....

They aren't horrible people...they just aren't polite and thoughtful. My cousin was raised by my Grandparents and she grew up with the same rules my Mum and then I myself had - (No children in adult's rooms. Don't touch anything without asking. Ask to leave the table/room. No sweets until after dinner.). She has just turned out to not have any rules.

balletshoes

miss_independent wrote: »

Because they are family and aside from my parents, I don't have alot of family....

They aren't horrible people....
..they just aren't polite and thoughtful. My cousin was raised by my Grandparents and she grew up with the same rules my Mum and then I myself had - (No children in adult's rooms. Don't touch anything without asking. Ask to leave the table/room. No sweets until after dinner.). She has just turned out to not have any rules.

from the way you've described them and the way they interact with you, they sound fairly horrible, and I wouldn't want them in my home :cool:.

paulineb_2

miss_independent wrote: »

Because they are family and aside from my parents, I don't have alot of family....

They aren't horrible people...they just aren't polite and thoughtful. My cousin was raised by my Grandparents and she grew up with the same rules my Mum and then I myself had - (No children in adult's rooms. Don't touch anything without asking. Ask to leave the table/room. No sweets until after dinner.). She has just turned out to not have any rules.

I dont have a lot of family either, my mum and my brother and that is it

I still wouldnt put up with people behaving badly in my home

CH27

miss_independent wrote: »

Because they are family and aside from my parents, I don't have alot of family....

They aren't horrible people...they just aren't polite and thoughtful. My cousin was raised by my Grandparents and she grew up with the same rules my Mum and then I myself had - (No children in adult's rooms. Don't touch anything without asking. Ask to leave the table/room. No sweets until after dinner.). She has just turned out to not have any rules.

I beg to differ!
They way they treat you is horrible & they are passing their attitude to you on to their children. Disgusting behaviour.

olibrofiz

miss_independent wrote: »

Ok....so.

"I have a few rules. There isn't any reason for you to have to use upstairs. I really appreciate my privacy and I will respect yours by not going into your rooms whilst you are staying here. Likewise, I don't want anyone in my bedroom, or any of the rooms upstairs.

If you need anything please let me know. There is no need to start going through cupboards or the fridge. Just ask me and I will get it for you. Like I said, I value my privacy and just as I'd never dream of going through anyones things, I expect you not to either.

Please keep me up to date with what is happening regards mealtimes and food etc. I'm on a budget so if you know you are going to be eating out please let me know in advance so I don't make something. I usually go to bed about 11, so please could you keep the noise down after that?"
.

I'd email this before they arrive, then they'll have time to digest it and hopefully instruct the kids - plus if they step out of line you can always smile sweetly and say 'well if you recall my email....' If you tell them on arrival they'll probably forget half of it, and may even swear blind you didn't say something 'not go upstairs? you said not go in your room, nothing about not going upstairs'.

Good luck OP

EDIT: I had a friend come to stay, they did, for longer than I (mug) intended but I didn't want to kick them out as they didn't have anywhere to go. After 3 months I asked them for a contribution to the elec/gas/water bills, they threw a hissy fit and moved onto another 'friend'.

Nenen

Given how kind you are and how loathe you are to upset these people, I'd ring your cousin tonight with the awful news that you've just found out that your home has an electrical problem/burst pipe/asbestos discovered/cockroach infestation/all of the above which means that, much as you'd like them to stay, it would be too dangerous for them. Therefore you have booked them a caravan instead (last minute bargains here: http://www.ukcaravans4hire.com/) and put together a welcome pack of groceries to get them over the first couple of days until they can get to the supermarket or arrange a delivery. The £500ish it will cost you will be worth every penny to save your sanity and protect your home and belongings, not to say the food they will eat!

bagpussbear

paulineb wrote: »

I think that after this is over, you remove yourself from any drama involving any member of your family and I know its tough.

No, I dont think you should say it. I think you should email them before they arrive and its done and dusted

And if they dont like it they can go elsewhere

Agree with this post. Email beforehand will give them a chance to digest what you are asking. If they happen to take offence, and don't want to visit after all, well that would be a win situation for you OP!

If they come, and then do something against your wishes, then gives you good ammunition to say 'I can't believe you did that, when you know I was clear about xyz'.

miss_independent

CH27 wrote: »

No way would I have such selfish people staying with me.

Can you afford to book a holiday cottage near you & let them stay there?
I'd prefer to be out of pocket than be treated like muck.

I was out of work last year and have alot of expensive coming up this year, so no I really can't afford it .

carefullycautious wrote: »

Is it self contained downstairs? Could you lock the upstairs so that they don't have access unless invited.

My Mum told me to get a stairgate lol. For a 12 and 7 year old. :cool: I'm getting a lock on my room door. The bathroom upstairs has a lock. The Study needed a new door so that already has a lock. The spare room and my room don't.

burnoutbabe

I think saying they can't get anything from the kitchen sounds OTT, just make sure you wind the food stocks down (or hide things) and just give them some shelves for their own stuff.

But it would be horrible to be in a house and unable to have a snack without asking all the time - of course I'd contribute to some provisions when i arrived but I'd expect to have some milk or bread if hungry.

If you stock up for them before they arrive (they many not be able to shop online or get to a supermarket) make sure you are clear "what's your budget, wouldn't want to overspend on your behalf" so its clear THEY ARE PAYING for the stuff.

Comyface

I think an e-mail before they come would be best. Sets out the expectations, no awkwardness trying to tell them when they're already there.

My mum recently had a couple of her cousins (two sisters) to stay and e-mailed them to say 'I expect neither of you to bring your own sheets this time', because last time they came up they'd put their own sheets on top of hers and mum took offence, like they were saying she was dirty (she's not). Mum had gone to put a hot water bottle in each of the beds and discovered what they'd done. She had asked them why at the time and they were so shocked at being 'caught' they hadn't given a satisfactory explanation. Mum had then been unable to get over it, all offended. She sent the e-mail before they came and they apologised and said they just didn't want to mess up her sheets and had a lovely visit.

Expectations set in advance I think. No surprises for anyone then.