Does my Mum love me? (not respecting fear of stuff)

Legacy_user

I have a serious fear of invasive chemical smells eg aftershave, deodorants, fake tan, when in near them, my heart beat will triple in speed, start sweating etc. I'm seeing a phschologist about it but shes not helping that much, I'm kind of stuck on the fact that these things aren't natural and why I am being forced to think they are normal for human life.

I'm on the edge now, have thought about suicide and running away - combined with work stress, I feel close to the edge sometimes.

the problem is, the only safe place is the home. But my Mum, she has given up perfume, but she still uses body sprays, spray deodorant and fake tan. For example if she sprays deodorant, I have to air seal shut my door, and wait for the deodorant smell to go away (usually around an hour). Also I have to keep the windows open 24 7. She also uses lots of chemical smelling cleaning products, eg if she cleans the kitchen, I can't go in there for at least an hour, or else I freak out. I've begged her to stop using them but shes not, and if I moan, she tells me to pack my bags. It brings me to tears that she isn't helping me and its like if I had a broken leg, she'd stand on it. I don't think she loves me.

Tigsteroonie

Whilst I think she's being unsympathetic, I do have to ask what is stopping you from moving out if it's that much of a problem? It's her house, after all.

balletshoes

I'm going to be honest here - I can see your Mum's point of view. I can't imagine not using deodorant, I use spray hair products, and occasionally a spray air freshener if the cat has been particularly whiffy in his litter tray.

She's not doing it to annoy you or to give you some kind of message that she doesn't love you. She's doing it because, as you know yourself, its what a lot of people do, and they don't think twice about it.

You know your Mum loves you really, don't you?

barbarawright

Serious suggestion - could you not show her how cleaning can be done with natural products? You'll find plenty of ideas on the Old Style Board for using vinegar and bicarb and so on. In fact, why is she doing all the cleaning anyway?

CH27

If you want a chemical free home then you will have to move out & create your own.

Your Mum does love you but you can't expect her to give up every day things for you.

The world is full of chemicals & you are going to have to find a way to deal with being in proximity to them.

System

She could use roll on deodorant, use lemon juice to clean the kitchen, the fake tan is so strong. Shes just done and I was desperate to brush my teeth and have an early bed but now I'll have to wait around 2 hours.

I said couldn't you have told me your were doing your fake tan, and she started shouting at me telling me to shut up and "don't start". so I just went to my room and start crying. Shes not a chav that sounds like I've made out, shes smart etc but can't have an adult conversationg sometimes.

To be honest, I really don't think she loves me anymore. It feels so depressing and I don't have anyone else really. If I had a child, I would make 3 or 4 simple sacrifices to ensure they could cope.

Gigglepig

I think it sounds like your mum gives you "tough love".

She is probably trying to do what she thinks is best for you? If you have an abnormal view of things, just because people don't pander to it does not mean they don't love or understand you. (Though it can be hard for them to understand, because they don't think the same way/have the same issue as you.)

Have you spoken to your GP about getting another psychologist or other follow up?

Perhaps in time your mum come with you to an appointment, and be part of the plan of how to deal with it, would she be willing to do that you think?

Please don't despair, there is help out there and things can improve. But don't forget it can be very hard to be the family member of someone with mental health issues, so perhaps she is stressed out as well.

Lagoon

early20s wrote: »

She could use roll on deodorant, use lemon juice to clean the kitchen, the fake tan is so strong. Shes just done and I was desperate to brush my teeth and have an early bed but now I'll have to wait around 2 hours.

I said couldn't you have told me your were doing your fake tan, and she started shouting at me telling me to shut up and "don't start". so I just went to my room and start crying. Shes not a chav that sounds like I've made out, shes smart etc but can't have an adult conversationg sometimes.

To be honest, I really don't think she loves me anymore. It feels so depressing and I don't have anyone else really. If I had a child, I would make 3 or 4 simple sacrifices to ensure they could cope.

Why should she use products that may not necessarily work as well for her?

Surely you realise that to get over your phobia, you have to get used to being exposed to these things? They're everywhere, and you can't avoid them for life.

Her adapting to your phobia will probably give you even more reason to keep it up.

jacques_chirac

You have a mental illness, and whilst people around you can be sympathetic, they should not have to adapt their lifestyles to facilitate your irrational fears.

I appreciate that sounds harsh, but as someone with a MH condition I have come to understand that others pandering to you will not help you move forward. Stick with the therapy, it can be a long process but will be worth it in the end.

barbarawright

early20s wrote: »

She could use roll on deodorant, use lemon juice to clean the kitchen, the fake tan is so strong. Shes just done and I was desperate to brush my teeth and have an early bed but now I'll have to wait around 2 hours.

I said couldn't you have told me your were doing your fake tan, and she started shouting at me telling me to shut up and "don't start". so I just went to my room and start crying. Shes not a chav that sounds like I've made out, shes smart etc but can't have an adult conversationg sometimes.

To be honest, I really don't think she loves me anymore. It feels so depressing and I don't have anyone else really. If I had a child, I would make 3 or 4 simple sacrifices to ensure they could cope.

Why can't you use lemon juice to clean the kitchen?

System

Lagoon wrote: »

Why should she use products that may not necessarily work as well for her?

Surely you realise that to get over your phobia, you have to eat used to being exposed to these things? They're everywhere, and you can't avoid them for life.

Her adapting to your phobia will probably give you even more reason to keep it up.

its very very hard to get over it - almost impossible. Because I live in the house too. Like I feel trapped in my room sometimes - can't go out because smells there.
She doesn't know that the real reason I quit uni was because it would mean having to go into the bathroom in the morning when it was filled with deodorant spray (I would have to go in after her because of the start times, her work compared to my uni).

I honestly beg her to stop but she is stubborn and doesn't seem to care.