Living with parents - am I being unreasonable?

itch_for_a_glitch

VitcH wrote: »

Afternoon everyone,

I appreciate my non-existant post count here as I'm more of a reader rather than a writer, but I'd appreciate some input on the following situation:

I'm 24, I moved back in with my parents in May. We live in a 4 bed house.
My parents have their room, my brother and sister have a room each although they're away studying most of the year. And there's my room.

I work full time and pay my parents rent, something I suggested and an amount which we all agreed on.

Since I was young my dad has tried to instill a certain lifestyle in us. He prefers to have things neat and tidy. I abided by this until I moved out of the house to go to university.

Now I've moved back in, he is unhappy that my room is 'messy'. Different people have different interpretations of what messy is, but in my case it is a few magazines and pieces of paper in the pile on the floor, things strewn out across the top of my cabinet, bits and bobs on my desk, clothes (ironed and not) thrown across the chair and bed, etc. Also 3 pairs of shoes on the floor.

In my opinion it's nothing major, it's the way I like it.
A kind of 'organised mess' - I know where everything is, and I leave things in certain places so they annoy me and remind me they're on my to-do list.
I do not leave plates and wrappers in the room, I don't damage the carpet, etc.

My dad has said although it is my room, the house is his (not ours) and I should respect the sense of cleanliness he tried to teach us since we were young.
While I understand this, I think the room is mine and as long as I'm not damaging anything, I should be free to have a little mess in there if I want to.
No one needs to come in if they don't want to see it.

As far as the rest of the house goes, I abide by my parent's rules, in terms of cleaning up after myself etc, and things run smooth.

I'm not a kid any more and at 24 I think my dad is being unreasonable, having demanded that I either make the room more presentable within a week, or he will do it for me (meaning he'll chuck stuff out or put things he deems I don't need or use often into the loft).
With the amount of rent I pay, were I to add a little more I could get a room rented privately with a landlord who wouldn't care what I did with it.

I've always been the compromising type so if I'd appreciate if I'm overreacting here, but I feel inclined to stand my ground.

Any input would be much appreciated.

Problem solved.

Dimey

I'm probably the age of your Dad's parents but I'm firmly in your camp!

At your age you are a grown man paying rent for your own room. Yes your landlord happens to be your parents. But as you've paid, what you do with your room is entirely up to you and your parents shouldn't be snooping around in there. They could make an appointment to check its clean and undamaged occasionally.:rotfl:

You don't sound at all ungrateful, on the contrary you sound a well balanced considerate person who is respectful and gets on well with his family.

Shame your Mum won't support you.

I reckon you should start looking for your own place irrespective of the messy room / overbearing Dad issue. Man like you should lead his own life. You'll be more successful.

Savvy_Sue

ringo_24601 wrote: »

Here's some fun - ask your dad if he's declared any of the 'rent' you pay to the taxman...

May not be necessary if it's less than the 'rent a room' rate.

seven-day-weekend

When we had a similar problem, I took the attitude, as long as the mess stays in that room, then OK. My husband's attitude was , it's a sign of a disorganised mind and I will teach my son to be a bit tidier if it kills me, because it is my duty as a parent. It worried him that our son could live in a mess and not care.

I think that if it is causing the OP's father stress like it did with my husband, then he should either accede to he father's wishes, or move out.

jetplane

I don't get this is it board or is it rent? It is an amount paid which was agreed on both sides so unless you were thinking about taking a legal option then it is irrelevant. These days I don't think it's unusual for someone your age to live at home so I don't think you should think yourself lucky, should be grateful or be treated like a child. But just as you agreed how much to pay you also need to agree house rules.

I am like your father, in that I like a clean, tidy, organised house and I would consider your description to be messy. It probably actually makes him feel uncomfortable that your room is in this state and he may also feel that your messy room might encourage your siblings to follow suit.

So how did I cope when my daughter decided she was happy to live in a pig sty (she was younger than you). At first I battled with her, I actually used to feel anxious when I went into her room and I had to force myself not to tidy up. I threatened to chuck her stuff out which would make her have a quick tidy round, which often consisted of her opening the wardrobe door and under bed drawers and chucking her stuff in. In the end we sat down and she asked me to allow her to have her one private space.

It was hard for me and I never really accepted the status quo. Her room became like room 101 to me a place I did not want to go into for fear of facing my own worst nightmare, it used to make me anxious. I jest, but I do understand where your father is coming from.

You have come back into his house and disrupted the status quo, I don't know if he is the type of man you can talk to and I think it would do no harm for your mother to remind him that you are an adult and there has to be some give and take but as other posters have said it is his house so in the end if all of the other home comforts are a bonus then you may just have to give in and tidy up.

I do have a nephew who had to move out into a flat share when he was 20 because he and his mother could not agree on how his room should be kept. She felt that it was totally disrespectful to her that he would not keep his room clean and tidy. His room at his flat is a disgrace but he always says that he pays for the privilege of living like that as his rent is more than his board

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Why is it your father's home, surely it is your mother's and a family home?

Prothet_of_Doom

VitcH wrote: »

My dad has said although it is my room, the house is his (not ours) and I should respect the sense of cleanliness he tried to teach us since we were young.

No one needs to come in if they don't want to see it.


With the amount of rent I pay, were I to add a little more I could get a room rented privately with a landlord who wouldn't care what I did with it.

.

I feel your pain.
I agree with your sentiments.
I have kids 20 and 17, and whilst the house must be clean and tidy, I tell them thier room is thier problem. I even let unwashed dishes grow mould.
The house is legally your dad's but your room should be your santuary, and as long as you are not spoiling anyone elses enjoyment, by loud music, or illegal growing of weed, then it's yours, just like if you were renting in someone's house.

On the other hand, I work away from home, and to reduce costs I have rented a room in various people's houses.

If you ever meet a guy called Simon W....ski who lives in Stoke on Trent, you will realise that some landlords do actually care. He once sent me a text message saying I couldn't leave washing drying in MY bathroom over the weekend. another one, telling me I wasn't to move the furniture, another telling me that I was 'marking' the carpet with my box of books (he meant squashing). another telling me not to adjust the radiator thermostat. another telling me I need to vaccum my room. Then there was his obvious checking of my washing up, the rules about no food in the lounge, comments about leaving my curtains open during the day, - I'm nearly 50 !!!!!!....


I have a question for you.

Would the amount of rent you pay allow you to rent a room in a shared house? . (Going rate in Derby is about £350 a month fully inclusive, and in Stoke on Trent £300, and Congelton £380)
Add food to that and I'd say £600 to £700 a month is "All" you need.

Then I suggest you create some space between you and your Dad. Invite him round for supper after you've been there a couple of weeks.

Look at this from his point of view

OCD is a serious mental illness for some, and just !!!!es off the families of others.
He's got used to you being a child, and he hasn't learnt to treat you as an equal. remind him that in 20 or 30 years time you will be either wiping his bottom for him or choosing his care home :rotfl: Seriously he might have got it in his head that you had left home and he might be scared that you want to stay another 10 years.

I would keep your room totally spotless, and look for somewhere else. Try to stay on speaking terms, tell him you love him, but remind him (in a joky way) after you've left that he should seek profession help for his OCD

Prothet_of_Doom

jetplane wrote: »

. It probably actually makes him feel uncomfortable that your room is in this state and

he may also feel that your messy room might encourage your siblings to follow suit.

I actually used to feel anxious when I went into her room and I had to force myself not to tidy up.


In the end we sat down and she asked me to allow her to have her one private space.

Her room became like room 101 to me a place I did not want to go into for fear of facing my own worst nightmare, it used to make me anxious. I jest, but I do understand where your father is coming from.

In italics because this is a good point.

In Bold because this suggests you are projecting your OCD onto Your Daughter. What is more important? A room that looks like a clinic, or a healthy equal relationship ?

You would consider me a slob by the way. :rotfl: I struggle. but Every time I've rented I've spent a few hours cleaning up before I leave and have had polite begrunding praise from the owner.

kazwookie

Save up and moved out.

jetplane

Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »

In italics because this is a good point.

In Bold because this suggests you are projecting your OCD onto Your Daughter. What is more important? A room that looks like a clinic, or a healthy equal relationship ?

You would consider me a slob by the way. :rotfl: I struggle. but Every time I've rented I've spent a few hours cleaning up before I leave and have had polite begrunding praise from the owner.

The equal relationship is more important and won which is why I left her and her room to it but it still made me feel uncomfortable. It is no secret that I have to fight my ocd traits when it comes to my family and work but I recognise it and my colleagues jest about it. Apart from this I am a wonderful, loving, loyal and supportive person just fighting my control demons :rotfl: