Living with parents - am I being unreasonable?

ognum

Bufger wrote: »

Would you risk damage to your relationship with your parents over a small bit of tidying up? You say you're not a child anymore at 24 but you sound like one.

Tidy the room and get on with life. There are much bigger social situations to tackle out there, why pick a fight over a few bits of clothes.

I do understand how the OP feels regarding his room and his space and the desire to do what he wants in it. But, I also understand that for some people even the thought of a mess the other side of a door is uncomfortable.

OP was well aware of his fathers needs before he moved in and you would hope there would be somewhere they can find compromise.

Mojisola

Bufger wrote: »

Would you risk damage to your relationship with your parents over a small bit of tidying up?

Why would a father risk damaging his relationship with his son (who sounds lovely) over a couple of magazines on the floor and other minor matters?

VitcH - if your father can discuss this issue sensibly, ask him at what age you would be "allowed" to keep your private space the way you like it. If you moved back in to care for him when he was 80 and you were a grandfather, would he still be checking how tidy your room was? :rotfl:

pollypenny

My two yoyo-ed back home twice each, for various reasons.

They paid board and generally helped out, but were their normal untidy selves in their own rooms.

I lived with it. There's more to life than worrying about shoes on the floor.

OPs dad in out of order.

MakeupAddict_2

Personally I think your dad is being too strict, but that's the point - it's MY opinion. There are so many variables in this scenario, and people have their own personalities and values, that as the replies show there isn't an obvious 'right' answer.

It's a nice idea to sit down and have an adult chat, but if he's been like that since your childhood (and probably before) I fear you'll be on a hiding to nothing. You see an issue, your Dad doesn't - to him, he's right, and has the conviction to go with it. Unshakable belief, in this case, is likely to win out over logic, or reasonableness or compromise.

You could do a big sheet of paper (or its electronic equivalent!) with 'stay at home' on one side and 'get own place' on the other, and list the advantages of both to see which one comes out on top. But my suggestion is to tidy your room to your Dad's standards and keep it tidy, and see how life goes and how you feel when you've been doing that for a bit. Everything may be fine, and even better than it is now if your Dad doesn't have that to moan about. Or you might find that you resent having to maintain the tidiness, and moving out seems more attractive than it does now. But at least you'll have tried doing things his way, so you'll have a better understanding of your next move.

MuAx

Any

Mojisola wrote: »

Why would a father risk damaging his relationship with his son (who sounds lovely) over a couple of magazines on the floor and other minor matters?

VitcH - if your father can discuss this issue sensibly, ask him at what age you would be "allowed" to keep your private space the way you like it. If you moved back in to care for him when he was 80 and you were a grandfather, would he still be checking how tidy your room was? :rotfl:

I think that some people would actually. If they are a bit that way inclined (a bit OCD or something).

The difference is, that if they did it in the son's house, the son can open the door and show them their way out.
As it is in the father's house (and it is OP's parents, not "our" as some describe it, was ith the OP? He is an adult and has no claim to the house. His parents could give it to cats home if they wanted to and OP would have no say in it) I would just do as my parents say. Just to have piece of quiet.

And the fact OP is paying rent doesn't matter - these are the house rules full stop. If you rent from private landlord, even then it comes with rules. They might not be to keep your room tidy, but that you cannot have pet or whatever... principle is the same.
You want to live there, you obey the rules (unless they are discriminatory or something:D)

Bufger

Mojisola wrote: »

Why would a father risk damaging his relationship with his son (who sounds lovely) over a couple of magazines on the floor and other minor matters?

VitcH - if your father can discuss this issue sensibly, ask him at what age you would be "allowed" to keep your private space the way you like it. If you moved back in to care for him when he was 80 and you were a grandfather, would he still be checking how tidy your room was? :rotfl:

If his dad would have been the one posting asking if he was being too strict then I would have probably said yes. The point is only one of the two people has reached out to us and we can influence. The most important thing here over such a minor issue is not to cause conflict. Someone has to be the better person over such minor things.

The son can either approach the dad, tell him he thinks he's being unreasonable and see how that goes or he can put up with his fathers rules for an easier life.

When it comes to families the key to a happy life is often the path of least resistance (as long as the requests arent too unreasonable).

seashore22

Both of my children have lived in our house for periods of time and paid rent because they were earning. The youngest still lives at home during uni holidays and doesn't pay rent for obvious reasons.

I go into her room to dump clean bedding and some clothes on her bed and that is it. It isn't massively tidy and certainly not up to my standards. Not dirty, just untidy. I couldn't care less really. I don't have to sleep in it, I can close the door and when she goes back to uni it will be all tidy again.

If you are renting a room in a student house or flat share then I don't think anyone would come in demanding that you keep it tidy.

Having said all that I would probably try to keep the peace with your dad. I don't suppose you are paying anything like the going rate for a room and use of the facilities. Also your parents aren't really obliged to have you living with them and a bit of gratitude may not go amiss. It's sometimes quite hard having grown up children still living with you and maybe he's feeling the strain.

onlyroz

Are you paying the market value in rent? If so then I think it's reasonable that you can do what you like with your room as long as it isn't a health hazard, or you are not causing physical damage to the building (e.g. allowing damp to build up etc etc).

However, if you are only paying a token rent amount, or you are paying less than if you were to rent privately, then I think your parents have the right to make you adhere to more exacting demands. Still, it's probably not right that they go in and start throwing away your stuff, but it's reasonable to expect you to keep your room clean and the door shut if it's a tip inside.

seashore22

Have just finished reading through the whole thread and wanted to comment on one point the keeps cropping up in various posts.

The point is that the father is now the OPs landlord and should be acting as such and treating the Op with respect. I don't think any parent can suddenly adapt to the role of landlord just because the son is paying something towards their keep. In fact I don't see them as being a landlord at all. Most parents become "landlords" by default and would never have random adults living in their homes under any other circumstances. I know I wouldn't.

In most circumstances like this the son/daughter decides that living at home is the easier option for whatever reason, whether it's cost or convenience. There are costs involved in having an extra person living in the house and they therefore pay money to their parents to cover some of those costs. As I've already said we have had just this situation with our children, but no way would I see myself as their landlord. I'm pretty sure that the OPs dad sees himself as a father rather than a landlord.

I don't clean their rooms when they have lived here, I try never to go in their rooms and I always knock on the door and wait for a reply before entering. This has nothing to do with the money that changes hands and I would always treat adult children in the same way.

Acc72

TammBikky wrote: »

On this one I would have to say that you should "become the water" or whatever it is that those kung fu types say.

Your dad was not changed while you were home, and it is unlikely to change him now.

I like the water analogy ! (and also agree with the second point).

A lot of people on here have given theit thoughts about what they think is reasonable. However, non of that matters - only what you and your dad think is reasonable.

As TammBikky said, your dad is unlikely to change - so .... are you going to change, or are you just going to carry on disagreeing with your dad until you move out ?