Living with parents - am I being unreasonable?

Person_one

kelpie35 wrote: »

My take on this is that your are very lucky to have a family who is willing to have you still staying under their roof.

I think you need to show your parents respect by abiding by their rules.

To me it does not matter how much you pay for your board and you sound a very ungrateful young lady.

An ungrateful young lady? How patronising.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Is it not your home too? That's nice.

I'd move out and remind him who will be deciding which retirement home he will one day be sent to.

paulineb_2

I think you are in the right, unless your room is a health hazard, you are paying rent, they should let you have some leeway

I think you should start looking for somewhere else to live. Everyone has standards but some people are obsessively clean and I really cant imagine what it must be like being brought up having to have things in a certain way and then when you are paying rent you are still told how things should be

Its your space, you are paying for it. I dont think you are being ungrateful for being unhappy with this but I do think you should think about moving on

And then your parents can let out the room you are living in to someone who wont ever make a bit of mess.

VitcH_3

Thanks for all your responses so far folks!

First thing's first, I'm a guy
I need to figure out how I gave the impression I was female

elsien wrote: »

I don't think your dad is treating you like an adult - threatening to go into your room to get rid of stuff is what people so with stroppy teenagers. How is he with other choices that you make - having people to stay, that sort of things?

He has always been a bit militant like that, and it's something I've had to accept.
In terms of other choices such as having people over and similar things, he has always been very fair and accommodating so I can't fault him at all.

Person_one wrote: »

If I were you, I'd have a sit down and a chat as grown ups, be calm and don't get fall back into 'teenager mode'.

You're paying rent, you're an adult, you have a right to some privacy and to some say over how you live.

Are you able to or wanting to move out? What's the reason for living with them?

I want to have such a chat, but I just thought I'd get some background here first. And I'm glad to see responses from people my parent's age to give different perspective.

I could move out if I wanted to, but I like living with them the way it is. I enjoy the company, as do they.

travelgran wrote: »

So at 24 your dad feels it's ok to check out your room and go through your things. I think it's as much a question of privacy as it is of standards.

Unfortunately so. He has his quirks, don't we all.

kelpie35 wrote: »

My take on this is that your are very lucky to have a family who is willing to have you still staying under their roof.

I think you need to show your parents respect by abiding by their rules.

To me it does not matter how much you pay for your board and you sound a very ungrateful young lady.

Hey - why the instant judging over one forum post? My dad runs his own business from home and I spend hours every week helping out running the website, making sure things tick over. And to say I'm ungrateful without knowing me is insulting.

I'm sorry if I came across that way, let me assure you I am not like that in the slightest.

I am very grateful, and one of the reasons I created this topic was to ask whether I'm being unreasonable here. The fact that there are those that seem to side with me would indicate I have a valid question.
Thanks for your input though.

balletshoes wrote: »

maybe OP you could just shut the bedroom door when you're out, so its out of sight, out of mind for your Dad?), then its her Dad who holds all the cards.

This is exactly it - my dad doesn't care whether I shut the door or not. In fact I regularly shut it. He feels there should be a certain order in the room because it's his house.
It doesn't seem to matter that I keep the door shut or that no one can actually see inside.

Once more, thank you all so far. Ultimately I will likely back down as I am lucky to be living with parents and although I could, I wouldn't want to move out. But at least during our talk I know I'm not being totally unfair in requesting a bit of privacy.

CH27

VitcH wrote: »

Afternoon everyone,

I appreciate my non-existant post count here as I'm more of a reader rather than a writer, but I'd appreciate some input on the following situation:

I'm 24, I moved back in with my parents in May. We live in a 4 bed house.
My parents have their room, my brother and sister have a room each although they're away studying most of the year. And there's my room.

I work full time and pay my parents rent, something I suggested and an amount which we all agreed on.

Since I was young my dad has tried to instill a certain lifestyle in us. He prefers to have things neat and tidy. I abided by this until I moved out of the house to go to university.

Now I've moved back in, he is unhappy that my room is 'messy'. Different people have different interpretations of what messy is, but in my case it is a few magazines and pieces of paper in the pile on the floor, things strewn out across the top of my cabinet, bits and bobs on my desk, clothes (ironed and not) thrown across the chair and bed, etc. Also 3 pairs of shoes on the floor.

In my opinion it's nothing major, it's the way I like it.
A kind of 'organised mess' - I know where everything is, and I leave things in certain places so they annoy me and remind me they're on my to-do list.
I do not leave plates and wrappers in the room, I don't damage the carpet, etc.

My dad has said although it is my room, the house is his (not ours) and I should respect the sense of cleanliness he tried to teach us since we were young.
While I understand this, I think the room is mine and as long as I'm not damaging anything, I should be free to have a little mess in there if I want to.
No one needs to come in if they don't want to see it.

As far as the rest of the house goes, I abide by my parent's rules, in terms of cleaning up after myself etc, and things run smooth.

I'm not a kid any more and at 24 I think my dad is being unreasonable, having demanded that I either make the room more presentable within a week, or he will do it for me (meaning he'll chuck stuff out or put things he deems I don't need or use often into the loft).
With the amount of rent I pay, were I to add a little more I could get a room rented privately with a landlord who wouldn't care what I did with it.

I've always been the compromising type so if I'd appreciate if I'm overreacting here, but I feel inclined to stand my ground.

Any input would be much appreciated.

Maybe that would be a good step to take.

Your Dad seems a tad unreasonable & doesn't seem to respect privacy & boundaries.
Does he have OCD?

Person_one

VitcH wrote: »

First thing's first, I'm a guy
I need to figure out how I gave the impression I was female


I want to have such a chat, but I just thought I'd get some background here first. And I'm glad to see responses from people my parent's age to give different perspective.

I need to figure out why people always assume I'm your parents' age, I'm only 28! :rotfl:

bagpussbear

I think as long as you are not damaging anything, like the carpet, walls, and keeping the room ventilated etc then I think you should, within reason, live in your room as you wish. After all you now pay rent and a landlord wouldn't interfere to that extent.

Having said that your dad doesn't see himself as a landlord, nor you as his tenant! He still sees you as his child.

I think he is being a little unreasonable here, and perhaps try and have a good conversation with him and maybe say that because you pay rent you are entitled to live in the way you want, but at all times respecting their house.

But if he doesn't relent, I'm afraid it is case of do as he wishes, or move out I guess.

You don't mention mum though, does she agree, or could you get her on your side?

VitcH_3

bagpussbear wrote: »

I think as long as you are not damaging anything, like the carpet, walls, and keeping the room ventilated etc then I think you should, within reason, live in your room as you wish. After all you now pay rent and a landlord wouldn't interfere to that extent.

Having said that your dad doesn't see himself as a landlord, nor you as his tenant! He still sees you as his child.

I think he is being a little unreasonable here, and perhaps try and have a good conversation with him and maybe say that because you pay rent you are entitled to live in the way you want, but at all times respecting their house.

But if he doesn't relent, I'm afraid it is case of do as he wishes, or move out I guess.

You don't mention mum though, does she agree, or could you get her on your side?

Mum can see both sides and is being neutral. But knowing that my dad is unlikely to budge once his mind is set on something, I think she is being sensible by not instigating a row even if she thinks I have a point.

The room is everything you said - well ventilated, not damaged, all in order save me being a bit messy.

CH27

Person_one wrote: »

I need to figure out why people always assume I'm your parents' age, I'm only 28! :rotfl:

There is so much I could say to that but I won't :A

lady1964

From the perspective of a parent with a 25 year old DD at home, the very same DD I had a rant about a couple of weeks ago.

Her room mostly looks like Steptoe's Yard, but it's her yard, not mine. I don't go in there, if I've got something to go in her room, I stand by the door and lob it in the general direction of her bed.

The door is mostly kept closed anyway; this is the DD who is off to Oz in 6 weeks and is in the process of clearing out her room so we can re-decorate whilst she is gone and have another spare room that is tidy and usable.

She has to help keep the 'communal' areas tidy, she pays rent but I also feel that she and my other DD are entitled to privacy.

OP, you may want to have a chat with your parents but start looking for your own place as well but if you move out, don't make it about your room and the (un)tidiness.