I am not putting my darling kids thorough D.I.V.O.R.C.E

moneysaymoneydo

Hi,

Just curious how many are in unhappy relationships/marriages yet stay together for the sake of the kids, ie. not entirely happy but would rather be 80% happy than put their kids through some of the break ups we read of on this thread on a daily basis.

Stories regarding broken families, the horror stories that mother/father turn into evil people using the kids as weapons. There is always appears some sibling of the father or a friend of the mother stating he/she is being difficult, kids are being neglected, clothes are grubby or small on a visit, when the kids are allowed to visit they cry because they are unhappy.
Anyway I just wondered as reading them all I would rather stay put and put on a brave face until the kids were 18 then make a run for it! The again my circumstances are reasonable no dramas, arguments, disagreements regarding kids so I guess I am not at unhappy stage yet, but do wonder what I would do If I ever was.

FBaby

I'm a child of divorce and would happily scream that I really don't think I have been negatively affected by it. However, my parents did do quite a good job to insure that wouldn't be. What I can say is that the only thing that really mattered to me was that both my parents continued to show me that they loved me dearly.

I would say with confidence that I also believe that my children have not been affected by my separation from their dad. We are very open about talking about our feelings, they have told me things in the past that I would have preferred not to hear, but was glad they felt comfortable enough to say it, and I am pretty confident they would have told me if they had been affected by us not being together. Of course, I can't be 100% certain, but I do believe that the effect of divorce on children is overrated.

It's not the divorce itself that is traumatic, it is how it is handled. If parents can truly put their kids' needs first, continue to love them and show them that love, putting them first in their lives, then the children will feel secure and confident. In any case, it's not as if they are likely to be the only ones amongst their friends...

I am just trying to see if I could guess without knowing which of my kids friends' parents are divorced and I genuinely couldn't. I have to think hard about what I know about them to remember if they come from a divorced/separated home. Their behaviour definitely doesn't give it away.

moneysaymoneydo

That is exactly it providing both parents are amicable and have the kids best interests at heart.

Sadly some of the stories I read are not like that, in fact some saying he/she was fine when together but being difficult not. Scary to think someone you cared for and a parent to the same kids can turn and behave in such a way without a thought for putting the kids through it! As you say some deal with it correctly others just a disgrace!

Heffi1

I was one that thought staying was better for all of us, my daughter told me I should have left 5 years previous, which made me sad as i thought I was doing the right thing. If I had the time over to do it again, I would have got out 20 years earlier, the kids do notice when things are not right at home, but I was so busy trying to keep it all together I forgot to look to see if they noticed it all.

They did and I will forever kick myself about that.

They were 19 and 23 at the time so my advice would be to get out and be happy separately than be miserable together hoping the kids won't notice...

FBaby

Yes, but when it is your kids, you have a lot more control. My ex has walked all over me (not pay maintenance, insisting to have them when it suits him etc...) and I've accepted it because that's the only way that my kids can not be affected by the separation. It's the price to pay. Very tough at times, but at least I feel that I am doing my best as their mum.

jjj1980

I seriously believe this is one of those situations that whilst you can hold a strong belief of what you would hope to do, you can never say with certainty until you are in that situation.

My parents divorced when I was 8 as my dad left to move in with the woman he had been having an affair with. This left me finding it hard to trust people completely but always sure that once married myself, I would fight tooth and nail to stop my future children seeing their parents divorce. Also that no child of mine would be asked to accept parents new partners into their lives.

However, within days of my wedding at 20 weeks pregnant, my now exhusband seemed to have a complete change of personality and became very abusive, violent and dishonest. I tried and tried to make it work and make things right but know the end, I had to accept I was becoming very scared of him and saw it was affecting my daughter. There was hen no question in my mind that we had to divorce as there was no way I could stay married to someone like that. I am still adamant that my daughter will not be expected to accept a parents partner into her life. She is my number one priority and always will be. Wherever her and me live, it will always be her home and I would hate to think she felt uncomfortable in her home due to anyone I brought into the house like I remember feeling when young.

Pechow

I and my sibling were very aware that our parents only seemed to be together because of us and spent most of our teenage years waiting for the day they'd finally announce that they were getting divorced. Lo and behold, after we'd both grown up and were in our early 20's, they finally split up after one had an affair due to lack of attention from the other for years, with the other saying they were miserable for years and wanted to do their own thing now.

The feeling of being the cause of their misery by being the only reason they were together (in a teenager's mind) was quite strong and even now I wish they'd not stayed together for our sake. It would have been much better to deal with the initial fallout then have them both find happiness and hopefully remain friends or at least respectful than the mess and resentment that ended up happening.

sexylulubelle

Staying in an unhappy marraige for the sake of the kids, is just an excuse!, majority of the time its the kids that suffer the most, no matter how amicable you think you are as a couple, My parents were in a loveless marraige for 30 years and the constant fights and bickering and verbal abuse affected us more than my parents could ever realise, I still love them both...... but will never forget the emotional turmoil they put as through just because they wanted to be together for the sake of us kids..........
Kids are very resiliant they might not understand at the time but it is better having separated parents and them(the kids) being happy in separate households than keeping it together and causing a lot more damage!

paulineb_2

moneysaymoneydo wrote: »

Hi,

Just curious how many are in unhappy relationships/marriages yet stay together for the sake of the kids, ie. not entirely happy but would rather be 80% happy than put their kids through some of the break ups we read of on this thread on a daily basis.

Stories regarding broken families, the horror stories that mother/father turn into evil people using the kids as weapons. There is always appears some sibling of the father or a friend of the mother stating he/she is being difficult, kids are being neglected, clothes are grubby or small on a visit, when the kids are allowed to visit they cry because they are unhappy.
Anyway I just wondered as reading them all I would rather stay put and put on a brave face until the kids were 18 then make a run for it! The again my circumstances are reasonable no dramas, arguments, disagreements regarding kids so I guess I am not at unhappy stage yet, but do wonder what I would do If I ever was.

I dont think you can ever know what you would do. My mum has been divorced twice and I dont see my dad (his choice), her second marriage was violent and she had to get out.

I will say this though, I had a girl in my year at school whose parents hated one another and stayed together, they hadnt spoken a word in ten years

I know what Id rather have been growing up in, me with my mum or me and my mum and dad in a house like that.

balletshoes

moneysaymoneydo wrote: »

Hi,

Just curious how many are in unhappy relationships/marriages yet stay together for the sake of the kids, ie.
not entirely happy but would rather be 80% happy
than put their kids through some of the break ups we read of on this thread on a daily basis.

Stories regarding broken families, the horror stories that mother/father turn into evil people using the kids as weapons. There is always appears some sibling of the father or a friend of the mother stating he/she is being difficult, kids are being neglected, clothes are grubby or small on a visit, when the kids are allowed to visit they cry because they are unhappy.
Anyway I just wondered as reading them all I would rather stay put and put on a brave face until the kids were 18 then make a run for it! The again my circumstances are reasonable no dramas, arguments, disagreements regarding kids so I guess I am not at unhappy stage yet, but do wonder what I would do If I ever was.

my personal opinion, anyone/everyone else aside, is that 80% happy is pretty good, yes? I can't imagine I would moan at all about being 80% happy - life isn't perfect, so I don't think its possible to be 100% happy all the time?

Valli

So when you DO split up (finally) make sure you don't play the martyr, having stayed together solely for their sake.