I am not putting my darling kids thorough D.I.V.O.R.C.E

meer53

sweaty_betty wrote: »

I have no experience of this, so it may be a daft question, however...

If you're "marking time" in a relationship waiting for the kids to grow up and are not at the stage of hating each other / can't bear to be in the same room, why don't you acknowledge your problems and go to marriage counselling or something to try to repair your relationship? Surely that would be a better use of the time instead of letting bad feelings and resentment build up?

Seems to me that the OP is very selfish. Not thinking about her kids at all really. I wonder what she thinks will happen if her OH finds out about her "bits on the side" ? She obviously isn't thinking about what will happen if her kids find out too ?

I know from experience that kids feel betrayed when this happens, my daughter found it hard to understand why her Daddy didn't want to stay with her Mummy any more. She thought it must have been her fault. She's older now and understands but my view is, if you're unhappy in your relationship and can't make it work, get out.

Valli

**professor~yaffle** wrote: »

Some people are not monogamous.

In which case they shouldn't be married, but it often doesn't work out that way for one reason or other. One reason often being that there's a child or children involved.

In which case they *should* be honest with each other, at least. If it's OK for one partner it should be OK for the other.

Lou67

Valli wrote: »

If you were in a happy marriage you would be happily staying at home and not sleeping around.
Happily married people don't stray. Unhappily married people do.

I, for one, am not 'picking at holes'; I'm responding to your shameless claim that you have had two relationships and a one-night stand while attempting to criticise people who don't stay married for the sake of the children. Since, when making your marriage promise you presumably claimed to 'forsake all others' you can hardly claim to have kept to it, can you?

And yet you are implying that those of us who have chosen to separate are somehow not as 'worthy' as yourself as we have not 'sacrificed' our lives for the sake of our children?

Shame on you!

Agree Valli. Some people are dillusional. Far better to be apart than stay in a loveless marriage. With some marriages, the spark has gone and they are more like friends now, but there is much affection and love there and no cheating... but it's another to be sh%gging around because the marriage is a sham, and to slate people who divorce.

I have been married 2 decades, some of it has been good, some bad, some indifferent, and it is good now, but I would have much more respect for someone who has divorced 5 times than someone who has stayed in a dead marriage because they're too afraid to leave. What message does this send to your children???

[Deleted User]

Well, it really depends on the parties and the reason for the separation doesn't it. If it is amicable then there isn't much of a problem however if one partner feels cheated or betrayed then that feeling tends to go very deep and it often isn't something they are able to control. It also depends on being reasonable and that's both parties in terms of child care and finance. Often one doesn't want to pay what it costs to bring up a child because they've got a 'lifestyle' which means that the other has to give up their dreams and aspirations. Plus one usually has a pension and a career and the other has settled. My partner's wife was the breadwinner and he clearly settled He's in quite a disadvantaged position now. He usually has to take time off work from lowish paid job to do the doctor/dentist run because she can't possibly as she works for a bank. She can't have the kids on her weekend because she's got a good deal on a holiday, etc.

She can't help out with her son's university costs because that's not her problem (!) - not the fees but the others eg deposit for halls of residence, the toaster, the tv licence, all the stuff that comes with having kids.

Have you discussed it? Have you worked out the actual practicalities of who does what when so that it is fair eg who looks after the children when they have a sick day, have you thought about the finances - yes maintenance and the rest for school trips and deposits for halls of residence? Is one of you recompensed with pension and doing the donkey work? Is it fair? I mean other than one person wants to be able to go scuba diving in the med as and when they want without having to worry about paying for extra lessons, sports kit, doing the midnight pick up from parties, paying for driving lessons, etc.

Sorry, but one party usually conveniently forgets about these things.

If you have looked at it from all angles and you are both agreeable then good luck to you. You have as much right to happiness as the next person but I do mean both of you has that right not just one of you.

moneysaymoneydo

That's just it you are not getting the point, I am perfectly happy in my marriage and (to my knowledge) so is the other half, but as Padstow very kindly pointed out that could change and if it does I will deal with it then. I am amazed how you ask a simple question on here and it gets twisted, I cheated = me unhappy, not at all I am very happy at this moment in time but as I have said yes that could change. As for the other half I cant talk for them as someone pointed out they could be cheating to but as for us and here and now in our loving family unit we are happy end of, kids are secure and happy with no problems.

**professor~yaffle**

Valli wrote: »

In which case they *should* be honest with each other, at least. If it's OK for one partner it should be OK for the other.

Not to mention one of them could bring home the Clap after one of their extra-marital exploits :eek:

Sorry to be crass, but really, shagging people you've barely met has its share of risks. Remember poor old Cheryl Cole having to get herself checked out at the clinic after finding out her husband had cheated on her, multiple times.

paulineb_2

moneysaymoneydo wrote: »

That's just it you are not getting the point, I am perfectly happy in my marriage and (to my knowledge) so is the other half, but as Padstow very kindly pointed out that could change and if it does I will deal with it then. I am amazed how you ask a simple question on here and it gets twisted, I cheated = me unhappy, not at all I am very happy at this moment in time but as I have said yes that could change. As for the other half I cant talk for them as someone pointed out they could be cheating to but as for us and here and now in our loving family unit we are happy end of, kids are secure and happy with no problems.

But you have cheated 3 times yes?

Happy people dont sleep with other people.

Valli

**professor~yaffle** wrote: »

Not to mention one of them could bring home the Clap after one of their extra-marital exploits :eek:

Sorry to be crass, but really, shagging people you've barely met has its share of risks. Remember poor old Cheryl Cole having to get herself checked out at the clinic after finding out her husband had cheated on her, multiple times.

Yeuch...

I have never, ever been tempted to have a one night stand for this very reason.

For all the OP is bleating on about being happy she's risking her health, if she's not being honest with her husband (to whom she's apparently happily married) she's risking his health...

nice...

she just doesn't get it - if you're happy at home you don't go looking - if you're looking elsewhere you're not happy.

Mind you - it IS perfectly possible NOT to be happy and NOT to be screwing around!

I notice OP is qualifying it by saying she's happy 'at this moment in time'. And, OP, does your 'apparently happy' partner know you've been serially unfaithful?

So what IS the point? Care to elucidate?

paulineb_2

Never heard so much nonsense in all my life

Happy and secure in your family unit but youve slept with 3 other people?

How would you feel if your husband slept with 3 other people?

*max*

Do you call living a lie being happy? Do you call lying to your husband and cheating on him being happy? Then you have a very warped sense of right and wrong. Basically you are happy as long as he doesn't find out, and he's happy (in your eyes anyway) as long as he remains blissfully unaware.

Charming life. And all this allegedly "to protect the kids". Sorry but I'd be laughing if it wasn't so desperately sad.