I am not putting my darling kids thorough D.I.V.O.R.C.E

duchy

For me a marriage is built on mutual respect and liking ............love can ebb and flow and we all have days we don't like our partners very much but ultimately if you like and respect each other you'll get through those times when it's more bills and bull rather than kittens and roses.

If you cheat you have no respect for your partner ........so your marriage has no solid foundation .

As for the OP I'd be pretty sure her husband DOES know-but doesn't care enough for her to be that bothered and will stay whilst it suits him and when it doesn't he'll leave. Most cheaters assume they are clever enough not to get found out-Most are kidding themselves.

System

I have asked my mom why shes still with my dad and her answer is always the same... she doesn't know what she'd do without him (moneywise etc).

Makes perfect sense and I can understand where she is coming from.

If I was to divorce my husband one way or another i'd have to find somewhere else to live. Although the house we live in is in my name being married 28 years he would be entitled to a big part of it which would mean selling it. He says he'd never take it off me but theres always the chance. Plus the fact, how would I keep up the upkeep on a house on my own? I'm 51, hardly had a job in my life and if I did it would be a low paid one as ive got no skills.

As it is.... he's happy to put up with me.:D

balletshoes

victory wrote: »

I know someone that their marriage is silence, they don't argue, throw things, so from the outside in you could say' oh well they are reasonably happy' but neither of them are, it is silent, the kids sure know, the atmosphere is there, they are both slowly retreating, slowly dying inside, bit by bit, everyone else could say that they are reasonably happy as there are no rows and everything is going along just fine but they are crippled with the loneliness and the pain of the loss of a marriage that once was good but now has very little left other than the desperate need to protect their children from the marriage split, it ends up not being fair on all of them.

I wouldnt care what anyone else thought though ~ obviously tense silence where you are ‘dying inside‘ means you,re not happy? if i was more unhappy than happy in my marriage over an extended timeframe and i,d done what i could to change things, i,d have to consider ending the marriage.

pops5588

My parents divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me!

No two divorces are exactly the same, and I get quite infuriated when people try to apply blanket policies to divorce proceedings and get all judgmental about it when things get "messy". You can have one of the parents being as reasonable as possible (in our case my mother) but as long as the other is doing stuff like fighting for custody of just one of the children, trying to make you homeless, emptying all the accounts etc. (my father) then what are you supposed to do?! Roll over and let them take your life away from you?!

My parents divorce/custody battle only ended in 2007 after 4 long years and yes it was bloody hard but in the longterm as an adult I can look back and know that all the pain and the dramatics were worth it just to be free of that man! He can have the money and his new family and his snazzy holidays. I've got my sanity

Valli

lazer wrote: »

My marriage vows contained promises to be faithful but also contained the words "until the end of our lives" - so if you get divorced you also don't keep your vows. People that have seperated have broken their vows, people who have cheated have broken their vows, judging each other doesn't help.

No one can decide how happy a marriage is unless its your own marriage, and only you can decide if you are happy enough to stay in the marriage.

Since the OP has started this whole thread with the apparent intention of criticising people who do divorce and suggesting that it would be better to 'stay together for the sake of the children' then goes on to add that she has been unfaithful on a number of occasions, presumably starting up some kind of relationship 'on the side' with two lovers and having a one night stand with the third she is getting exactly what's coming to her, IMO.
And she doesn't tell us if her lovers are also married - so that could be up to four marriages being risked because the 'staying married for the sake of the kids' OP wants some 'fun'.

No-one is perfect; no-one can stand outside a marriage and know exactly what's going on inside it and people make decisions based on their circumstances all the time.

But to say 'you should stay married' then to admit to serial affairs is shoddy, and worthless and the OP deserves all the criticism she's getting - because at the same time as presenting a 'virtuous' 'I'm still married even though it's not all roses' scenario then to admit to screwing around is making a mockery of her whole stance.

At least by divorcing you're putting a line under a relationship.

Angelicdevil

victory wrote: »

I know someone that their marriage is silence, they don't argue, throw things, so from the outside in you could say' oh well they are reasonably happy' but neither of them are, it is silent, the kids sure know, the atmosphere is there, they are both slowly retreating, slowly dying inside, bit by bit, everyone else could say that they are reasonably happy as there are no rows and everything is going along just fine but they are crippled with the loneliness and the pain of the loss of a marriage that once was good but now has very little left other than the desperate need to protect their children from the marriage split, it ends up not being fair on all of them.

I know a couple who are just like this. Neither of them are happy, they do their own things.

The only things keeping them together are the fear of a broken family (both come from still married families), financial security (this is one sided though as one barely contributes and leaves the other to deal with it) and the kids.

It's so sad to see them wasting their lives living like this. But they see it as perfectly acceptable to live this weird, disjointed, loveless existence for the sake of the kids.

It isn't just affecting them, various family members can see what's going on but can't help as the answer is always "it's OK".

To be honest, life would be happier all round if they both grew a pair and walked away from each other.

moneysaymoneydo

My OH and I are perfectly happy meantime was what I was pointing out, this as some have said could change, as for my/his whomevers infidelities does he/she know that is neither here not there, can anyone know 100% he/she has not cheated or has everyone kept their vows 100% this is not the judgement on my question I was merely stating I (IF) unhappy would rather try and see it through for a few years until I saw my children off to Uni and settled.

I will also say now having read some of the threads on 'amicable' divorces I have another perspective on the matter.

There is always the diehards on here bursting in with their high morals but re above 100% morals - "My OH would never cheat" and Padstow kindly reminded me - never say never!

balletshoes

moneysaymoneydo wrote: »

My OH and I are perfectly happy meantime was what I was pointing out, this as some have said could change,
as for my/his whomevers infidelities does he/she know that is neither here not there,
can anyone know 100% he/she has not cheated or has everyone kept their vows 100% this is not the judgement on my question I was merely stating I (IF) unhappy would rather try and see it through for a few years until I saw my children off to Uni and settled.

I will also say now having read some of the threads on 'amicable' divorces I have another perspective on the matter.

There is always the diehards on here bursting in with their high morals but re above 100% morals - "My OH would never cheat" and Padstow kindly reminded me - never say never!

I don't understand that part of your post I'm afraid - how is it "neither here nor there" that you have cheated on your OH 3 times? Its not like you might have, its not like its a possibility - you've actually cheated.

Put yourself in your OH's shoes - how would you feel if you found out they had cheated on you 3 times in your relationship?

Valli

moneysaymoneydo wrote: »

My OH and I are perfectly happy meantime was what I was pointing out, this as some have said could change, as for my/his whomevers infidelities does he/she know that is neither here not there, can anyone know 100% he/she has not cheated or has everyone kept their vows 100% this is not the judgement on my question I was merely stating I (IF) unhappy would rather try and see it through for a few years until I saw my children off to Uni and settled.

I will also say now having read some of the threads on 'amicable' divorces I have another perspective on the matter.

There is always the diehards on here bursting in with their high morals but re above 100% morals - "My OH would never cheat" and Padstow kindly reminded me - never say never!

But you're not really 'seeing it through' if you are 'consorting' with men other than your husband.

I'm not bursting with 'high morals'. I just don't like the fact that you appear to think, because you AREN'T divorced, and have decided to remain in your sham of a marriage 'for the sake of the kids' you're somehow better than ME.

paulineb_2

Theres nothing about this thread that makes sense to me.

Happy people dont cheat, how on earth can someone be happy and in a loving marriage if they have slept with 3 other people after they got married.

If people want to be with other people then leave and get on with it. I wouldnt assume that someone who was sleeping with other people could get pregnant because people can and do get sterilised but if you havent you are running the risk of pregnancy. STDs as has already been said and unless you are the hardest nosed person on planet earth, guilt.

He might be perfectly happy because hes no idea you've been sleeping with other people behind his back.