Post deleted

LouLou

bitemebankers wrote: »

If you read back, the OP appears to claim that she knew nothing about it whatsoever, which is a bit fishy in itself.

Ignoring the OP for a moment and thinking in general terms, I agree that it would be a problem if a partner actively neglected their partner in favour of !!!!!!. However, I'd question whether the !!!!!! is a symptom of other relationship problems (such as the other partner losing interesting in sex) rather than a cause. It certainly makes for an easy scapegoat and a way of deflecting blame.



Murkier? On the contrary, I see this is a positive thing. There are always going to be certain things that one's partner just isn't into and, for those who aren't in poly relationships, !!!!!! can provide a useful release. This could potentially prevent a partner from seeking elsewhere what they can't get at home. I'm sure !!!!!! has helped to keep many couples together in this way.

"!!!!!! helps keep couples together?". It would depend, of course, on what itch the person was scratching. I know if I found Group Sex/Gay !!!!!!/something that's more horrifying in a boyf's "!!!!!! stash", it certainly wouldn't make me feel aglow with relief, and Thank goodness that !!!!!! was doing the "babysitting" by stopping him cheating on me.

It's natural for the other half to suspect that he wants "something else", something more than you can offer him: even worse if it's hidden from you and your partner is lying about it. We can't say with certainty that it will remain in fantasy land and the partner doesn't want this fetish/desire met in real life, but just hasn't had the opportunity.

A sweeping statement like that is impossible to verify. I'd wager that in these situations, !!!!!! probably damages more relationships than it helps: purely because of its nature, being a secretive, solo pursuit (usually). Obviously when it's used as a stimulant for couples or it's completely open for discussion, that's different and much healthier for everyone involved.

Let's not forget, men who visit "ladies of the night" use that excuse all the time, that the wife just "doesn't understand them", ahem.

tonycottee

bitemebankers wrote: »

Indeed. And the counter-argument is that relationship problems are almost never the fault of one party.

Genuinely, thank you!
Mine was a slightly throw-away comment, but was meant so maybe people could look at both sides of the argument. Yes the poster was hurt at her husband using !!!!!!, but maybe there were reasons for him using it.
I find that if somebody writes a tale of woe on here, unless you say "ah bless you" or "hugs" you get accused of being condescending.

LouLou

tonycottee, it's not my style to go on the "attack". It's best you're as clear as possible when leaving comments that could be interpreted as inflammatory....

Happens all the time on internet forums...

tonycottee

That's fair enough LouLou. It's my own fault for never being bothered to type more than 2 lines on Internet forums!

Gavin83

LouLou wrote: »

Can't these men see the glaring contradiction? At its most basic level, men are (perhaps) trying to express their adoration and desire for the female form from afar. Yet, the actual living, breathing, opinionated woman in their *real life* isn't deemed important enough to have emotions, or a viewpoint that he can sympathise with. Is that truly appreciating the opposite sex?

I can't really speak for all men but for me it has nothing to do with admiring females or acting out fantasies, it's simply a visual release.

I have no issue with women who don't like !!!!!!, everyone is entitled to their opinions and everyone has different opinions on what they find acceptable in a relationship. However I couldn't be in a relationship with a woman who held such an opinion, I'd rather find someone I was more compatible with. I'd compare it with a girlfriend asking me to give up one of my hobbies, I just wouldn't be willing to stop but I also wouldn't cover it up and lie about it either.

I do however think if a man is choosing !!!!!! over sex with his girlfriend/wife then there are serious problems. I'm not sure it's directly related to the !!!!!! though, more likely a solution covering up other issues in the relationship.

LouLou wrote: »

!!!!!! addicts admit they are addicted to the compulsive fantasy world, and for some men they can only get their rocks off with more and more extreme stuff. Always to the detriment of their "real life". At a guess, I would hope these men are few and far between.

I watch some stuff that people would consider fairly extreme, although nothing illegal or violent. To be honest regular stuff does nothing for me anymore so I guess you could consider me in this category. However it doesn't have any negative effect on my "real life" relationship. I've been with my girlfriend for 6 years and we have a very healthy happy relationship together. I'm quite able to seperate what I watch on the PC screen and real life encounters.

LouLou wrote: »

How I wish men could be a bit more creative and use their imaginations more. !!!!!! just seems like junk food for the mind, as far as I'm concerned, and it does nothing for anyone viewing it, in the long-term.

I'm fairly creative, my job requires me to be but honest for that task I don't want to use my imagination, I just want it to be easy and that involves having something there in front of me. I like your junk food link, it's probably quite accurate but then again we all like a bit of junk food now and again.

LouLou wrote: »

..And in the early 1990s, as a nineteen year-old just out of college, I worked in a garage (in the office) with Pirelli calendars, breasts and bums, hanging everywhere. To say it made me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed would be an understatement. I would try my best not to look at them, and I had to put up with inappropriate comments about "her" and "me" in the workplace. I was still a virgin

I don't think !!!!!! (or sex for that matter) have any place at work, regardless of the environment. I can fully appreciate why you felt uncomfortable.

lostinrates

Gavin83 wrote: »

I don't think !!!!!! (or sex for that matter) have any place at work, regardless of the environment. I can fully appreciate why you felt uncomfortable.

Bit difficult if your job is in !!!!!! or the adult industry though!

I think the problem with a lot of this is some people view it as compartmentalised as fits in their life where there is never risk of cross over. While those related to the adult industry is a tongue in cheek comment there are those whose work may well expose them to environments or situations they might not choose to be in otherwise.

heartbreak_star

tinkerbell28 wrote: »

No one really got to the core of WHY she felt like it, as they were to busy taking p!ss

She was asked repeatedly and didn't answer.

HBS x

southcoastrgi

13k views & you delete the OP ?

A bit pointless anyway as you have already been quoted so everyone still knows what it was about

tinkerbell28

heartbreak_star wrote: »

She was asked repeatedly and didn't answer.

HBS x

I'm not surprised with some replies she got, yours included

Leaving a x on the end of your posts, don't make them any less spiteful.

tandydadder

Okie dokie.... Think this thread has become more about me than OP! When I wrote my initial response I was pressed for time, but felt compelled to reply as I empathised so much with her. What I wrote was a precis of a situation that happened between my husband (aka soulmate) and myself some time ago. It was written in order to reassure OP that a) she was not alone in the situation b) that someone empathised and sympathised and c) it was something that hubby and I successfully addressed and my wish for her was (and is) that she (and he) can resolve their issue. Much has been said on this thread, and I'm staggered regarding the many assumptions that have been made about my marriage and personal opinions. In fairness, I posted a rushed reply, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable with sharing EVERY detail of the event because given the history of the thread, I can imagine some of the responses that this would generate... Again, I'm rushed (apologies), so I don't have time to quote every individual statement that I'd really like to address. So here's a few things I'd like to clarify in bullet form.

1. I do not have a 'problem' with !!!!!!. I imagine tonycottee has fainted after reading this LOL! The fact is, what two consenting adults get up to in private is their own business. As I said in my original post, I regard myself as fairly open-minded, willing to 'give things a go' etc. I mind very much being REPLACED by !!!!!! though. And this was our issue.

2. The junk food analogy was excellent. Hubby confesses he was being utterly lazy. !!!!!! became the easy thing to do, at my (and therefore OUR) detriment. this attitude also pervaded other aspects of our marriage eg helping kids with homeworks, sharing the domestic loads etc.

3. The assumptions I was projecting my own issues onto hubby's !!!!!! use is wholly incorrect. If he had a 'healthy' relationship with it, maybe I'd have turned a blind eye. I can't say for sure though, because that wasn't our case. Fact is, he was having a horrendous time at work. He really didn't have the energy or inclination to meet my emotional needs at that time.

4. Much has been said regarding the age of the 'models', and some who's posts I have respected greatly on this thread was admonished for mentioning the phrase 'young women'. The fact is I mentioned the age of the models concerned. I'm bothered because it feels that some of you have waxed lyrical about my situation without fully reading my post. The age of the women seemed to range between 19-25. This isn't really a reflection of my husband's personal tastes, but more the availability of the images. He tended to buy Nuts and Zoo. It was by drawing his attention to the women's personal info, ie age, interests etc as laid out in the blurb in the mag, his attention was therefore moved from their t*ts & as*. He was mortified as his view was then subjective, rather than objective. And guilty coz he had become so lazy in the bedroom on account of it all.

5. My husband ADORES me. Like someone suggested, giving up the !!!!!! was, in the end, a very small sacrifice to him, and we had a whale of a time 'recapturing the magic'. He doesn't trust himself with it now in case his use of it escalates again.

6. Someone raised the assertion that fidelity is impossible. I'm conflicted by this statement. I've never strayed - wouldn't want to. But despite the fact that 'real' women weren't involved in his replacement of me, I still felt betrayed??? It's something I've long come to terms with.

7. The issue of honesty... He lied and lied and lied some more. Basically, I think he knew there were problems but didn't want to address them 'just yet'. The lies enraged me though!

8. Recognition of the preciousness of love.... It's so very rare. Ultimately, he didn't feel he could share his troubles. I have a stressful job and he felt his work issues were insignificant in comparison to mine. at the time, this broke my heart because a) he was lonely in his problems b) I was upset he didn't feel he could talk it over with me. We recognised that we love each other very, very much and want to be together for 'as long as we live' and so we sought help (relate).

We are not in crisis... This occurred 10yrs ago. We've been together for 25yrs altogether. I had hoped that OP would've felt more positive following my response (she has since PM'd me and thanked me for it), so she is not a troll. This has been a lesson in the use of forums though. I replied with the best of intentions. I've been staggered by the venom of some of the replies, amused by some of the humour, and touched by some of the more supportive responses. Hope this clears a few things up.