Post deleted

LouLou

tandydadder wrote: »

Only stumbled across this today...... Haven't read all the responses yet coz I'm a bit pushed for time but feel compelled to answer your question. I've been through this myself. Like you, I didn't realise that this was an issue until after we were married. I was very hurt because I'm fairly open minded to try new things, have never turned him down because I enjoy sex too, and he says he's very happy in the bedroom. I felt like the mistress, because he lied to protect his habit. He would swear that he wasn't using !!!!!! (I'd be convinced though) and then I'd stumble across his mags. Like you, fairly tame stuff. Think the industry term is T&A. I'm sad I even know that. Anyway, I finally got through to him when I insisted he looked at the info about one of the 'models'. eg 19yr old art student stacey from doncaster etc. He felt a bit crap coz he'd never be interested in someone that young. This opened the doors to discussion. I told him that just because he wasn't sleeping with a real person didn't mean to say I was any less hurt. In my eyes, he was still going outside the marriage for his sexual thrills. I also felt that he was increasingly objectifying me in the bedroom. ie always liked me to wear the shoes and lingerie... Felt like he was just 'looking' rather than 'connecting'. I feel that it's a cop out to say that men are aroused visually whereas as women are different. It dismisses the fact that I am still very hurt by this. If I thought that my behaviour hurt him in any way, this would be addressed. And as for the (blokes') suggestion to incorporate !!!!!! into your sex life, for me there is nothing more demeaning and painful than watching the love of your life getting his rocks off whilst looking at a youthful 20yr old's tits, and also it gives them permission to continue with the habit. I've borne, delivered and breastfed his children. My body will never look like that again. He confessed it was laziness on his part. I can take longer to 'get going'. We're working through it. I am livid that this was witheld from me until AFTER we married. Like any addiction it requires cold turkey, and perhaps outside help. He knows if he EVER goes down that route again, it WILL be over, coz ultimately, our sex life dwindeled. While he was happily !!!!!!!, I was condemned to a sexless, almost loveless marriage. I wish you well. PM me if you need to. Much hugs. xxxx

I really feel for you tandydadder and you have described your hurt and your situation very clearly.

The reply saying that tandydadder's dislike of !!!!!! is an "unreasonable view" is out of order. tandydadder is saying she is upset, feels left out, unappreciated, unattractive, and her husband is lying to her, objectifying her, trying to make her do things sexually she's not that keen on. She senses her husband isn't responding to "her" but is re-enacting ideas conjured up by consuming !!!!!! fodder and feels uncomfortable; it makes her even more miserable and detached from him, to the point where they can't be intimate any more.

She also points out she respects her husband and points out if he was upset, she'd try to work through it with him. She has carried his children and feels he compares her to these young women on screen/in magazines. How can you dismiss her distress and sadness as unreasonable?!

!!!!!! (in this couple's case) is not always harmless. She is explaining her point of view and a reply like that is so unfeeling and condescending, my blood is boiling on her behalf. It is almost considered taboo to have any anti-!!!!!! sentiments, as though it's uncool and old fashioned, but a bit of compassion goes a long way. Relationships need respect and clear communication to thrive. !!!!!! isn't a "right" you have to fight for and defend, I don't think it's any great loss to give up !!!!!! to save your relationship?

I wish you well tandydadder and I hope you can move onward stronger together.

PS: Shame the OP has backed out, I can understand and appreciate (most) people's viewpoints on this. Haven't read this thread for days, though!

Kynthia

Padstow wrote: »

Don't be so daft and wisen up!
ETA, You're as blind as those who come here to state that their beloved would never cheat!

Why are you so desperate to believe that all men use !!!!!!? I think that says more about you than anything. Yes I bet the majority do in some form and that virtually all have at least seen it once. However it just isn't appealing for everyone, there's nothing that is.

fluffnutter

Padstow wrote: »

Don't be so daft and wisen up!
ETA, You're as blind as those who come here to state that their beloved would never cheat!

My husband wouldn't. Neither would I. People judge others by their own standards - just because you don't trust people, doesn't mean everyone is untrustworthy. Perhaps you just know some unpleasant people.

lostinrates

LouLou wrote: »

I really feel for you tandydadder and you have described your hurt and your situation very clearly.

The reply saying that tandydadder's dislike of !!!!!! is an "unreasonable view" is out of order. tandydadder is saying she is upset, feels left out, unappreciated, unattractive, and her husband is lying to her, objectifying her, trying to make her do things sexually she's not that keen on. She senses her husband isn't responding to "her" but is re-enacting ideas conjured up by consuming !!!!!! fodder and feels uncomfortable; it makes her even more miserable and detached from him, to the point where they can't be intimate any more.

She also points out she respects her husband and points out if he was upset, she'd try to work through it with him. She has carried his children and feels he compares her to these young women on screen/in magazines. How can you dismiss her distress and sadness as unreasonable?!

!!!!!! (in this couple's case) is not always harmless. She is explaining her point of view and a reply like that is so unfeeling and condescending, my blood is boiling on her behalf. It is almost considered taboo to have any anti-!!!!!! sentiments, as though it's uncool and old fashioned, but a bit of compassion goes a long way. Relationships need respect and clear communication to thrive. !!!!!! isn't a "right" you have to fight for and defend, I don't think it's any great loss to give up !!!!!! to save your relationship?

I wish you well tandydadder and I hope you can move onward stronger together.

PS: Shame the OP has backed out, I can understand and appreciate (most) people's viewpoints on this. Haven't read this thread for days, though!

I really sincerely agree.

supersaver2

lostinrates wrote: »

I really sincerely agree.

Indeed so do I. I must say i've been a little dismayed reading some of these replies, some basically saying that women should put up with their men watching !!!!!! and not enjoying sex with their partners. I'm a bloke and my wife's feelings are more important to me than some random naked women online. Seems some people on here don't care much for their partners feelings.

bitemebankers

LouLou wrote: »

The reply saying that tandydadder's dislike of !!!!!! is an "unreasonable view" is out of order

Not true. It's just someone else's equally valid point of view. If the intention was not to solicit the views of others, posting on the internet was an unwise course of action in the first place.

She has carried his children and feels he compares her to these young women on screen/in magazines.

How do you know they're young women he's looking at?

How can you dismiss her distress and sadness as unreasonable?!

I've not seen anyone dismiss her distress and sadness as unreasonable. What some people have suggested is unreasonable is her thoughts on how said distress could be resolved.

!!!!!! isn't a "right" you have to fight for and defend, I don't think it's any great loss to give up !!!!!! to save your relationship?

It's not a right, but at the same time, it's not unreasonable for people in a relationship to want a satisfying sex life. I can't see why a loving partner would want to deny their other half something which give them sexual pleasure and release, provided it's legal.

I wish you well tandydadder and I hope you can move onward stronger together.

We can agree on this point though.

LouLou

I've read the various threads the recent story about the government blocking/banning !!!!!! generated on MSE, and there is a common theme that emerges on here.

One thing that really rankles with me is the (usually) men who appear out of the woodwork solely to say, "Duh, get with the twenty-first century grandma! If *I* want to watch !!!!!! no-one's going to stop me...it's harmless". Usually the stock response from (some) guys on these threads.

Can't these men see the glaring contradiction? At its most basic level, men are (perhaps) trying to express their adoration and desire for the female form from afar. Yet, the actual living, breathing, opinionated woman in their *real life* isn't deemed important enough to have emotions, or a viewpoint that he can sympathise with. Is that truly appreciating the opposite sex?

Whether this means exposure to !!!!!! makes a man selfish, inappropriately defensive (let's not forget, it is his "right") and pig-headed, I'd be too polite to say: but where does this bizarre opinion that it "harms no-one", "something every man does" (I'd say most men, but you can never generalise. I knew a man who it definitely didn't do anything for) and a guy's absolute "right" to watch, come from?

You don't have to look too hard, no pun intended, on !!!!!! sites to find genuinely disturbing content. I'm not talking about the shock sites with illegal subject matter, but male/female content often has degradation, humiliation, even violence as its usual theme...there's nearly always a degree of power trippery in !!!!!!, even at its softest, where the woman is an impassive, glassy eyed, girly, giggling robot/piece of meat for the taking. This is because the men watching want to feel part of the fantasy. It's made for them to jack off to and feel good about themselves. Fair enough, but what does regular exposure do to their heads?!

!!!!!! addicts admit they are addicted to the compulsive fantasy world, and for some men they can only get their rocks off with more and more extreme stuff. Always to the detriment of their "real life". At a guess, I would hope these men are few and far between.

You can still appreciate and respect women without clicking a website, and make that person in your life who is meant to be your priority, the one you love, feel happy and comfortable in her own skin. Turn the movie off and focus on HER.

How I wish men could be a bit more creative and use their imaginations more. !!!!!! just seems like junk food for the mind, as far as I'm concerned, and it does nothing for anyone viewing it, in the long-term.

Believe it or not, I have no real hang-up about men using !!!!!!, as I can joke about it with my male friends, but am I 100% sure it is a healthy, happy thing for a man to have in his life as a "hobby" long-term? ...No, I will always have my doubts and slight discomfort with it.

The internet almost normalises the expectation that a man has a daily diet of !!!!!!. You only have to look at sites like Youtube and its comments to see how an easy exposure to hardcore !!!!!! skews young teens/men's language and viewpoint of the world. Women are regularly trolled and threatened with sexual violence as a kneejerk reply (though, to be fair, they aren't shy about abusing fellow males, either).

Not for nothing do gamer forums have "raping" as an adjective "to destroy" other gamers (I HATE the normalising of that word) and, of course, everything unsavoury is deemed "gay". If that's not a clue what it does to younger people's heads, I don't know what is! Even a "tame" site like Hotukdeals has dimwits talking about a brand of DVD player "raping" another brand, etc.

..And in the early 1990s, as a nineteen year-old just out of college, I worked in a garage (in the office) with Pirelli calendars, breasts and bums, hanging everywhere. To say it made me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed would be an understatement. I would try my best not to look at them, and I had to put up with inappropriate comments about "her" and "me" in the workplace. I was still a virgin

tinkerbell28

There is some really harsh stuff here, especially those mocking the op for now deleting her comments.

I am not surprised, the majority were telling her it was normal, she was basically a prude and to suck it up.

No one really got to the core of WHY she felt like it, as they were to busy taking p!ss

Was it a political thing? Or a preference thing, or an insecurity thing? I didn't get the vibe from ops posts, that she had a lot of self confidence, or felt great about herself.

Taking the p!ss is sure to have helped. Congratulations, you can laugh at her flouncing now instead of her not liking !!!!!!.

LouLou

bitemebankers wrote: »

Not true. It's just someone else's equally valid point of view. If the intention was not to solicit the views of others, posting on the internet was an unwise course of action in the first place.



How do you know they're young women he's looking at?



I've not seen anyone dismiss her distress and sadness as unreasonable. What some people have suggested is unreasonable is her thoughts on how said distress could be resolved.



It's not a right, but at the same time, it's not unreasonable for people in a relationship to want a satisfying sex life. I can't see why a loving partner would want to deny their other half something which give them sexual pleasure and release, provided it's legal.



We can agree on this point though.

The age of the women is irrelevant, really, and I'm only going by what tandydadder said in her post. My point is, he's not listening to her, making her feel loved, and he's lying and turning her into a "thing", a product of the movies he's watched, rather than relating to her as his partner. It would creep me out no end, too.

Their relationship is in crisis because of his addiction to !!!!!!; yes, tandydadder's story is an extreme case but it's not a huge sacrifice to give up the movies and mags and focus on the woman he (supposedly) loves?

You can, gasp, have a "satisfying sex life" without !!!!!!. Maybe some men should try it !

embob74

LouLou wrote: »

I've read the various threads the recent story about the government blocking/banning !!!!!! generated on MSE, and there is a common theme that emerges on here.

I'm sorry to just quote this bit but I did read it and think "MSE is generating !!!!!!?!". Had to read it a couple of times for it to click!

Sorry again - it just struck me as funny. But I have taken note that your post was not meant to be amusing.
I have never had a problem with !!!!!! (I know my dad used it - he was very open about sex etc) even to the extent that I queried why OH wasn't interested in it (no he really isn't - that's not me being deluded or hoodwinked).
I did see some recently though and it was shockingly violent....and that was on tv which didn't require an account or password so any child staying up late could have accessed it.
I have also been employed in a male environment which had the topless calendar in the canteen It wasn't a huge issue for me and I'm not saying it leads to frenzied sex attacks on women but it is almost condoning the thought that women are inferior.