Married 3 months ,husband just told me he is bisexual help!!

Seanymph

Hi there,

For my part I'd like you to get some counselling for yourself. Just for you, and your doctor can set you up with that.

It looks from what you put as if your last relationships were fairly one sided, that you don't prioritise yourself and that you allow your partner to abuse you and take you for granted.

This man you are now married to knows that, he knows you are a soft touch, and he too has put you into a situation where your needs are not met because he is scheduling his as higher than yours.

You need to learn to be more selfish. It isn't a bad thing to look out for yourself, and expect more, and not tolerate being sidelined - you have to be strong enough to ensure your kids come first too, no matter how old they are.

This guy you married is not the man he pretended to be, he cannot offer you what you thought he was, and if you permit him to take things further you are in for a world of hurt.

Lots of people are bi-sexual - they chose their partner of whatever sex, commit, and settle down happily. Being bi-sexual doesn't give you permission to explore sex with other people, shut your partner out and watch !!!!!!, communicate about sex with other people on the internet - nor meet them at hotels and have sordid fumbles.

Straight or bisexual or gay if you do that when you have a partner then you are a sleazeball. And trying to get your partners 'permission' because you need to 'explore' is awful.

You don't have to parent this man - he doesn't work? Is ill? Focuses on his own sexual kicks and neglects yours?

It's not love buddy, what you have there - it's not nice, and it won't make you feel lovely - it's destructive and overly selfish on his part and he's picked you deliberately. Don't facilitate it and get hurt - this isn't your thing to take on. you deserve something equitable and nurturing and fair.

Get yourself some help to learn to be assertive, prioritise yourself, and develop confidence in having your expectations met. To be in a relationship where you feel you are your partners focus is more than reasonable - and you are not going to get it with this man. Learn you deserve it, then it will be obvious what you do about this relationship. And your mother doesn't come into it.

fluffnutter

This will no doubt seem a little blunt, but hubby's not bisexual, he's gay. That's why the marriage isn't consummated. This will absolutely, 100% end in tears. OP, how terribly shocking and sad for you. Personally I think your marriage is a non-starter and he only married you because he believed that in doing so he could try to bury his true sexuality.

bagpussbear

tracytaxi wrote: »

he does not want to cheat but does want the !!!!!! and. Chat rooms

I'm sorry but do you not think the chat rooms are going to provide a platform whereby he would be tempted to cheat? There will be times when the person he is chatting to wants to meet up, simple. Are you going to put all your trust in him that he just won't? Remember this guy has already been deceitful by not telling you the bisexual thing before now.

Your man has done an appalling thing in my opinion. And you are too in love to really see that, and seem to be the one that is having to compromise on everything. Marriage should be based on equality, and your marriage doesn't have that.

Having read more of this thread and your posts, I am starting to agree with others here that don't think he is bisexual but actually he is gay. After all, he can't perform in the bedroom so it would seem. Surely a bisexual man would feel horny with both a female and a male .....

Why not strive for something better OP.

lostinrates

herand wrote: »

Being bisexual is hardly a "skeleton" goodness, you are acting like he is a criminal.

Watching pornography whilst being in a partnership shouldn't be a big deal, nor is being bisexual. Neither mean that the person is going to be unfaithful..

Why are you so upset over such a minor thing?

Pornography and other limits are for couples to decide, not people outside them. What you see as no big deal other people might see as a big deal, and those same people might do other things !!!!!! users might consider beyond the pale. It's not a competition, or about keeping up with other people, its about having a situation where both parties are able to relax to be fulfilled.

lostinrates

bagpussbear wrote: »

Having read more of this thread and your posts, I am starting to agree with others here that don't think he is bisexual but actually he is gay. After all, he can't perform in the bedroom so it would seem. Surely a bisexual man would feel horny with both a female and a male .....

Why not strive for something better OP.

I certainly feel op should not 'settle' for something less than satisfactory for her.

I don't have the advantage of remembering any of OP's other posts. But while I have the same reservations about the state of the relationship (lack of transparency, generally being rather put upon and a history of failed relationships) I am really cautious about saying he 'must' be gay because the marriage is unconsummated.She has also said he is unwell and out of work.

I don't know what the nature of the health problem is or if there is any medication involved , but I do know that both those factors can impact significantly on my sex life at times.:o If he has also been stressed about an increasing feeling of 'bisexuality' then I can imagine this could indeed lead to a decrease of sexual performance.

As for the 'position' well, plenty of 'straight' people have a particular fetish that is the only way they can get to it and there is more than that position to do it for two guys too, so, a male lover might also feel a little cheated and bored if that and only that were ever on offer.

lostinrates

herand wrote: »

I agree to an extent, that's why the OP has to make it clear what her real issues about this situation are. It's not just a case of not agreeing with pornography, but why don't you agree with it. Or with being bisexual, many people are aware they are not straight and it takes time for them to give themselves the label of gay, bi etc it shouldn't be a problem that her partner is bisexual so what are the reasons behind. He is still the same man she married

Well, whilst I agree, one could equally say it shouldn't have been a problem for him to tell her before hand.

I feel if he is saying he wants to 'explore this' via chat rooms this is an understandable step too far for many outside accepting a bisexuality exists and acknowledging that it is part of him but not something he is going to actually 'partake' in.

For many accepting sexuality and discussing it between them is very different to discussing it (or exploring it visually with others) on line. For me a partner engaging in cyber sex in a monogamous relationship, for example, would be a boundary crossed.

BitterAndTwisted

It's not about having the "audacity" not to be straight, it's the non-disclosure about it until after they married. It's about the wanting to express his bisexuality by going into chat-rooms and looking at porno, all couched in terms of what he's been "unwilling" to acknowledge through three marriages and now into his fourth.

You might be terribly casual, unconcerned or even accepting about such a world-shattering disclosure but millions wouldn't be. I'd have packed his bags for him by now.

tinkerbell28

I'm sorry op, you you really only have the tinted version of what happened to his other marriages, well you would do wouldn't you. You certainly wouldn't have married him, if you could think it was his fault.

3, now 4 marriages have hot the rocks and you truly believe NONE of it was his fault?

Maybe his other wives cheated, and contacted other men, because they too, got conned into a sexless marriage by a gay man and wanted some love and affection. Just a thought. Maybe he changed the goalposts with then straight after too.

Not it for me would not be about the audacity to be bi, or looking at !!!!!!. Personally I'd think he was gay.

It would be the changing of the goal posts, suddenly finding myself in a celibate relationship, where he wants to cyber like minded people, and keeping that secret from me until we were tied into wedlock. That's what would grate me.

fluffnutter

tracytaxi wrote: »

He is mild,cuddly and soppy but living with this secret since he was 17 ,he has been married three times before and all wives cheated on him !

No they didn't. They left him when they found out he's gay.

Errata

When he was 17 he 'thought' he might be bisexual and four marriages and many years later he decides he is, but not until the OP catches him looking at gay !!!!!!.
He won't have sex unless he can't see he's having sex with a woman, he won't have sex now he's married - doesn't really need to, he's landed the fish. His previous three marriages collapsed through no fault of his own. He hasn't provided a home, he doesn't put bread on the table.
He's a conman who has found yet another woman to con.