Married 3 months ,husband just told me he is bisexual help!!

Wol2

tracytaxi wrote: »

After ten to nine tonight I am having a break from here until tomorrow afternoon so sorry if i don't reply ,just want to read my email ,and gather my thoughts and process the advice. Thanks

Hi tt

I am so very sorry that, having gone through some traumatic times in previous relationships, you thought you had finally found "the one".....only for this new revelation to happen. My heart goes out to you in trying to find a way forwards. :grouphug:

Although personally I agree with a lot of the comments and very valid points on here in terms of the potential "negative" future of your relationship as a married couple; You have, in turn, replied to the points and it does seem that you are starting to process the information in order to formulate what you think is the best way forwards for you....however painful that might be. Well done :T:T

It's really difficult to put behind us the "judgements/opiniions" of those we used to trust - i.e. our parents/friends etc...but at some point in our lives, some of us - me included - finally realise they are not necessarily "judging" in OUR best interests....It's actually more likely they are doing it for themselves and their own emotional comfort. You may need to think about that as part of your deliberations.

For instance - I couldn;t believe it when my dad said he was upset I left my violent-now-ex-OH - Eerrrmmm - dad knew he was violent - he urged me to leave previously many times - yet when I finally did it - he changed his mind :doh::doh:

I've watched this thread develop and have to say that I believe you are stronger than you give yourself credit for......and what is very clear is that you really are wanting to be true to yourself.

I can;t advise you how to resolve this - but what I can say is........
a) Don;t decide something to "keep other people happy" inc hubby/mum/friends etc
b) Don;t give up on being true to yourself and accept a lesser "aspiration" than you would want from the relationship- because......
c) .keep telling yourself......you ARE worth it! Because YOU ARE


I now have a great relationship with an ex boyfriend who I met after exOH- Although I thought this new one was "the one".... sadly, after a couple of years, it became clear that our respective lifestyles/expectations didn't suit him or me. It took another year for me to get over being "rejected" in such a horrible shocking way when it finally ended.

Oh...and yes....it hurts hurts hurts......the parental and friends judgements on my whole life/personality - the introspection....the "it's my fault"........but thankfully many of those "judges" are now not on my Xmas card list so that is sorted .

Counselling has really helped me to understand the dynamics of the relationship and realise that I never actually had a chance of having the fulfilling and loving relationship I wanted with this man because of his own issues. Nevertheless we are now great mates, have a friendship that will clearly stand the test of time...... and I would never change that for the world. . ...it's just on different terms and expectations from what I had previously

My thoughts are with you during this difficult time - but I do believe you will find a best way forwards that will work for you and will have the courage, strength and determination to see it through.

Thinking of you
xxxx

tracytaxi

Hi fosterdog and wol2 ,thank you for the most helpful posts , the slight difference fosterdog is my hubby has never had a relationship with a man so now he's come out U guess its curiosity ,I don't condone it but kind if understand ,I fully believe as bisexual you can be faithful to one partner .and wol2 you have really summed up how I am feeling .Husband answered my email telling me what he wants ,and I now have to reply ,and tell him my feelings he found it easier to be honest with me in an email ,as emotions don't come into it easily.He has told me he wants to watch gay !!!!!! once a week ,and "if I was ok" he would like to experience sex with another guy and oral to see if it gets it out of his system ,he stresses he won't do it if say no ,but if the urge was that strong would he go behind my back also i want my husband to only want me

lostinrates

tracytaxi wrote: »

Hi fosterdog and wol2 ,thank you for the most helpful posts , the slight difference fosterdog is my hubby has never had a relationship with a man so now he's come out U guess its curiosity ,I don't condone it but kind if understand ,I fully believe as bisexual you can be faithful to one partner .and wol2 you have really summed up how I am feeling .Husband answered my email telling me what he wants ,and I now have to reply ,and tell him my feelings he found it easier to be honest with me in an email ,as emotions don't come into it easily.He has told me he wants to watch gay !!!!!! once a week ,and "if I was ok" he would like to experience sex with another guy and oral to see if it gets it out of his system ,he stresses he won't do it if say no ,but if the urge was that strong would he go behind my back also i want my husband to only want me

The 'getting it out of his system' would not be to me in a monogamous relationship and from what you are writing it very strongly wouldn't be anything like ok for you and the trust is going to be severely damaged from this point on.

I also find the 'once a week' !!!!!! thing slightly ....odd. Are you out one evening a week or something? It just seems a little structured to me. Sometimes setting limits is good, it allows people parameters within which to feel comfortable and secure. Other times it is the beginning of negotiating more...either in time or in behaviour during that time.

I would neither of you be in a rush to make more promises and emotional commitments that might not be able to be adhered to without a great deal of talk and thought.

paulineb_2

He wants to sleep with another man to see if he can get it out of his system?

This is the loving caring man who married you 3 months ago? You may have answered this elsewhere but what age is he?

Actually, I wonder what his response would be if you said, btw I have an urge to sleep with a woman, would you mind if I watched lesbian !!!!!! once a week and slept with a woman and gave her oral just to see if I get it out of my system

Cheating, hes asking you for permission to cheat on him and it sounds as if he thinks its ok because the cheating isnt going to be with a woman

I think your husband is making it clear he doesnt want only you. But if you say no he'll do it anyway

I hope you realise just how cruel, abusive and manipulative this man is behaving and find some courage to tell him to go and get lost.

paulineb_2

If hes known since he was 17 that hes bisexual he has plenty of opportunities to meet a man, sleep with him and get it out of his system, sorry but that excuse doesn't wash with me.

Is he honestly expecting you to believe that on the run up to pledging to spending the rest of his life with you he didn't have one thought about his bisexuality and whether he could stay faithful?

Getting married has brought all these feelings to the surface, but not in the X amount of years since he was 17?

The_Hurricane

He clearly wants to have someone on the side and a loving wife to come home to - he's clearly got it sussed.

elsien

I think you said earlier your OH may have aspergers? Which may possibly (without wanting to make excuses for him) make it more difficult for him to see things from any perspective other than his own.
If this is the case you need to be crystal clear in how you spell out your own responses about your own needs, wishes and feelings, and don't give him the wriggle room to misunderstand the nuances. You might be being kind in not wanting him to feel bad about himself but some people on the spectrum need to be told in no uncertain terms about others feelings or they just don't get it.

That doesn't excuse his behaviour - I still think he's been totally out of order. But now its about where you go from here and getting your perspective through to him properly. Because at the moment it's all about him and you're letting him get away with that. Has he acknowledged at all the damage that he's done to you and your relationship, other than "I'm sorry, but can I still cheat on you anyway?"

Errata

tracytaxi wrote: »

Hi fosterdog and wol2 ,thank you for the most helpful posts , the slight difference fosterdog is my hubby has never had a relationship with a man so now he's come out U guess its curiosity ,I don't condone it but kind if understand ,I fully believe as bisexual you can be faithful to one partner .and wol2 you have really summed up how I am feeling .Husband answered my email telling me what he wants ,and I now have to reply ,and tell him my feelings he found it easier to be honest with me in an email ,as emotions don't come into it easily.He has told me he wants to watch gay !!!!!! once a week ,and "if I was ok" he would like to experience sex with another guy and oral to see if it gets it out of his system ,he stresses he won't do it if say no ,but if the urge was that strong would he go behind my back also i want my husband to only want me

He tells you he's never had sex with another man, that doesn't make it true. Would he go behind your back? How could you know if he did? I feel quite sorry for you, because I think he's playing you.

stir_crazy

tracytaxi wrote: »

Hi fosterdog and wol2 ,thank you for the most helpful posts , the slight difference fosterdog is my hubby has never had a relationship with a man so now he's come out U guess its curiosity ,I don't condone it but kind if understand ,I fully believe as bisexual you can be faithful to one partner .and wol2 you have really summed up how I am feeling .Husband answered my email telling me what he wants ,and I now have to reply ,and tell him my feelings he found it easier to be honest with me in an email ,as emotions don't come into it easily.He has told me he wants to watch gay !!!!!! once a week ,and "if I was ok" he would like to experience sex with another guy and oral to see if it gets it out of his system ,he stresses he won't do it if say no ,but if the urge was that strong would he go behind my back also i want my husband to only want me

Sorry, but he's just asking if you're ok to let him cheat on you. I'm not saying the gay !!!!!! is a bad thing, but the once a week session and a "trial" looks like he's trying to get you to build up to what he wants - probably a bit on the side or for him to go with men guilt free when he feels the urge. Start small and work up to something bigger.

If he was asking you if he could have sex and oral sex with another woman would you let him? Its pretty much the same scenario.

He's had plenty of time to explore his other feelings and he's chosen to ignore them before you found him out.

tracytaxi

Hi,very hard situation to be in ,good point re aspergers,he is cryinng and saying sorry and that he won't go with a man and that's just what he felt like but won't do at my expense ,the pornograpghy was me asking him what he felt now and that was something he said he felt he needed and no I don't go out he said he wouldn't hide it from me if he did .lots more talking ,I insisted he told me everything with no regard to my feelings so I got the truth ,as I need to know where he is in his head