Boyfriend dumped me after buying house

moneyistooshorttomention

If someone has always been set on owning their own house and been saving towards it (as you have) then its clearly very important to them to do so and they won't feel happy/settled until they do. So he had two choices: either buy jointly with you or realise that you aren't the one for him (because you have such different priorities).

He didn't want to buy jointly with you and, by now (4 years in) if he was going to want that then he would want it by now. He cant expect you to postpone house ownership indefinitely (and maybe lose it altogether) because he still hasn't made up his mind after 4 years in which to do so. If you had been giving him money towards his rent then that would mean less money available for saving for house deposit and subtle sabotage of your chances of ever doing so.

Sounds like he isn't that bothered about whether he actually ever owns a house or no and would have tried to impose his ideas on that on you (to whom it IS extremely important).

I'm sorry he has put you through this and leaving you right to the last minute to be honest with you about this. I hope all works out for you and you enjoy your new house and find someone else who shares your values on this.

EDIT: I've been in the reverse situation, ie of a long-term boyfriend spending a LOT of time at my place and I didn't regard it for one second as us "living together" and the thought didn't cross my mind of asking him for any money towards bills. In my mind we weren't living together unless we were living together (ie he had moved all his stuff in and was staying there full-time). But I probably wouldn't have "lived together" with him anyway, because I would have expected marriage if it had been a "living together" type set-up, rather than two flatmates sharing a sexlife iyswim.

Treevo

Netwizard wrote: »

OP you have been giving and giving, and not getting much back in return by the sound of it.

I agree with "hieveryone", He sounds jealous of your success.

Enjoy your new home. Your well shot of him

Giving and giving? Missed the bit where she basically moved into his flat for more than three years and didn't pay a single penny? Giving indeed!

TPDE

Wow, I wasn't expecting so many replies - thank you! I literally have no one I can talk to about this so I felt so much better after writing everything down last night. I'll try to respond to some of the comments but I have only quoted once when more than one person has said something similar.

I'm going to hazard a few guesses here:

- your boyfriend isn't very 'good' with money, or doesn't make as much as you.
- your boyfriend possibly likes the finer things in life, therefore leaving him with little to save.
- your boyfriend has probably, at some point, criticised other areas of your life and things you choose to do.

Bottom line, your boyfriend is either a/ threatened by the fact that you can afford to do this on your own, or b/ jealous.

I make quite a bit more than him and although he says that doesn't disturb, there are sometimes subtle comments that make me feel it does. I think it makes him feel less like a man - for example if I offer to pay for a meal out he has to pay and I have to give him the money later, because he doesn't want the waitress to know it's me paying! I wouldn't say he likes the finer things in life, but he wastes money unnecessarily - for example, when we lived together I made him packed lunches but now he buys a sandwich at work which for a day costs more than packed lunches for a week. And yes, he criticises quite a bit!

Has he spoken about marriage to you? Babies? Have you had conversations about your future? It sounds like marriage and kids are very important to you but did he feel the same way?

Yes, we have spoken about the future lots of times. Thinking back I was getting confused messages - he'd tell me that he didn't want to get married, and even then only if we have lived together properly for some time, and that he didn't want children... but then another day we'd discuss in which country we would get married (he's from Europe) and where we would raise our children.

Tbh, the sensible thing to have done, I think if you had a place and he had a place, if you saw a long term future, would both have been to have sold up or if you were both in rented property, if you really did feel there was a future, move in together.

I do feel for you as I have said, but it does look as if you wanted to unofficially live with him, but not officially live with him until there was a ring on your finger

We were both in rented property. Maybe I've been totally pigheaded - I've been desperate to buy for years and I wanted the next move to be into my own house, not into rented accommodation - this is something I made clear to him years ago. I felt the three years I was basically living at his place was the same as moving in together, other than not paying rent. I've always wanted to be married first before living together and for me, the unofficial living together was my compromise so that he would be able to feel that we did live together before getting married. We could have given up our flats and moved in together, but I really wanted to get married first before doing it officially and the rent in our area is higher than the monthly mortgage payments so I didn't want to waste money after waiting to buy for years, and I didn't want a recent move to affect my credit rating for a mortgage application.

Why couldn't he have moved into your new place with you & paid you rent?

I know this will sound stupid to alot of people, but I want to get married first before I live with someone.

She wants to get married and have kids, Im not sure he does at the moment, thats not a crime. Neither is it a crime to ask someone for a financial contribution to a place that they are living in most of the time.

And we dont know how he is fixed financially either.

There are faults on both sides here and as I said, Im sorry she is heartbroken, but he may well be as well.

And its a shame to throw 4 years away over this.

I think you are right, despite our discussions about where to get married and raise kids etc I don't think it's what he really wants. And I agree I should have contributed financially, and I was willing to pay what works out roughly a quarter of his costs, but he wanted half and I just couldn't afford that. I don't want to give out his financial details but he earns very well and can more than afford to run his place - but I think this is about fairness, not helping him out financially. I imagine since I left his costs have actually gone up - I used to cook 6 days out of 7 and was good with meal planning and not throwing anything away (and we shared the food bill) whereas he spends roughly the same amount on food just for himself as we used to for the two of us.

But are you sure this new place is right for YOU?

I've been looking for years for the perfect house and I absolutely love it, it's just such a shame that it is so close to him! He's always said that if we break up he'd move back to his home country so I imagine he won't be here for too long, but still... it seems a shame to give up such a lovely house but at the same time I'm going to be tied to an area that holds alot of memories for me, so I feel confused about what to do. My head says keep the house and my feelings will fade and I'll find someone else, my heart says let the house go.

You've been saving for a deposit since you were a teenager, you don't want to move in together until you're married, you see yourself growing old and having grandkids - those are things that some guys just don't want to hear in their 20's.

He's approaching mid thirties - but I don't think that makes a difference to your point. Thinking back to the conversations he and I have had I think he must be confused about what he wants, because he'd talk about our future and all these things, but then also say he doesn't want to get married or have children.

For 3 years, you more or less lived at his flat, earning a good salary yet didn't pay contribute anything. You would have used the electricity and gas (which you wouldn't have been using at you place), so I think he was being quite considerate to not ask for anything for so long.

That is true, but the reason I ended up more or less living at his flat is because he refused to visit me at mine because my flat is extremely small and I don't have a TV, so I would always have to go to him or we would not be able to see each other. I think that might be way he didn't ask me to pay. I was already paying for my own food, I did offer to contribute an amount which would have been far more than the electricity etc that I was using, but it was either contribute nearly 50% or move out.

Did you actually ask him if he would move in with you if you bought a house or did you assume he would?

I took him to the viewing with me and I only put an offer in because he could see himself living there.

Writing this all down is helping me think more logically. I think he is confused about what he wants, either he doesn't want the same things as me in which case it won't work, or he does want the same things but we just can't agree on how to get there. I know I shouldn't be looking at other people and comparing my life to theirs, but I see all my friends getting married and having children and seeing those around me having what I have really wanted makes me feel terrible.

Dimey

Sounds like your new house is going to be just perfect to distract your attention from splitting up and start a new era.

gibson123

Sounds like two people wanting very different things and neither up for compromising. look for some-one who wants the same things out of life as you.

FBaby

He didn't want to buy jointly with you and, by now (4 years in) if he was going to want that then he would want it by now.

I suspect what he might have wanted at some stage and what he wanted once he'd gone through the latest circumstances might have been very different.

To be fair OP, I feel that you wanted you cake and eat it in the relationship. You aspired to ownership of the house and therefore saving towards it, and you wanted him to follow you in your dreams of having YOUR home AND the relationship.

You said you couldn't afford to pay more than 1/3rd of the bills living with him yet earned a lot more. That doesn't make sense, unless in your affordability, you were counting what you wanted to save for YOUR house.

You wanted to get married before living together yet you had more or less done that. I agree with posters who said you have been giving him many mixed messages.

I have been where I thought was the same shoes than your boyfriend and I felt totally used in that I was being all what my man wanted from the companionship of a partner, but without making the commitment to move the relationship forward. I was considering moving on. Thankfully, in my case, it was just a question of time and my partner being ready. I don't think you would have been ready for some time to really share your money and belongings with your boyfriend and on that basis, and considering his age, I don't blame him for wanting to move and and find someone really prepared to commit in every way with him.

zzzLazyDaisy

TPDE wrote: »

I see all my friends getting married and having children and seeing those around me having what I have really wanted makes me feel terrible.

Okay, I am going to be really brutal - only because it is in your best interests...

If you have a dream future and try to change/mould/squash your man so he fits into your dream future, that is a monumental recipe for disaster.

So either:

You accept him as he is and adapt your dream future to accommodate his wishes and desires, so you can make a future life together

OR

You go ahead with building your dream future, and be open to meeting the man who will happily join you in making a future life together

It sounds to me that you do not love and want this man for who he is, but for his potential for being the co-star in your dream of a happily married couple, with children, playing happy families in an owner-occupied house.

If that is anywhere near the mark, you must go for option 2, in my view, as any continuing relationship with this man will always end in tears - he doesn't want the same things as you.... and you don't want the same things as him.

TeamLowe

Tbh it sounds like you two always wanted different things but plodded along as you were happy for the moment and the offer being accepted was The Big Thing that crystallized his thoughts on what he wanted.

it will hurt but you'll get over him and find someone new who does want what you want and you'll be happier than you ever thought possible

AndyPK

I share your pain. A few thins ring true with me.
Like keep me posted.

The whole rent thing is odd. Maybe he was trying to force the issue and get you together.
Ie get rid of yours and move in.

I think he needs to move in with you before marriage.
Get rid of his rented place.

There is no point in getting married if you don't love each other.
If you love him you would let him move in, rather than separate.

AndyPK

Maybe he one of these people who says things to you to see what reaction you give rather than talk openly.