Boyfriend dumped me after buying house

pearl123

Sounds like he does not want commitment or responsibility. He wants to be child who has his own way and plays x-box.

Enjoy your house well done. The right man will come along.

bluenoseam

pearl123 wrote: »

Sounds like he does not want commitment or responsibility. He wants to be child who has his own way and plays x-box.

Enjoy your house well done. The right man will come along.

Right, I've had it up to the eyeballs with tosh like this. Playing video games does not denote that anyone is a child, nor does it denote that someone is immature, it denotes that they have a valid way of relaxing which they find enjoyable!

(now that's off my chest)

This will be unpopular, but here's how it is, you sound like someone who's got it all figured out - which in itself isn't always bad, but from where I'm sitting it sends alarm bells ringing. You've been saving for a deposit since you were a teenager, you don't want to move in together until you're married, you see yourself growing old and having grandkids - those are things that some guys just don't want to hear in their 20's. I'll get flamed for pretty much all of this post, but ultimately it sounds like your BF was the type who wasn't looking to be married with kids at 30. Not like he wasn't dropping enough hints that was the case - just you didn't see them because judgement was clouded by emotion.

Look at the positives from here - you have your own place now, so you're already on the way to having the utopian image you want, just need to find someone who shares your views & goals.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

When he told you he wanted rent he was testing you to see what your next move would be. He wanted you to move in properly and you put an offer in on another house. You live together rent free for three years and when he wants rent you walk away.

Relationships usually end when it's not right for one or other of the partners. It's ended. Either withdraw the offer or continue and move in. Not much more that can be said.

pretzelnut

In 3 years of living "together" did it not cross your mind to discuss renting a house together that suited you both.

You were living at his house, yet you never made a real commitment to the relationship, by keeping a house albeit storage, elsewhere.

Eventually he snapped and laid it on the line. If you couldn't fully commit to him, why should he commit to you in any way.

I have been married twice and I know how people's feelings can change in the blink of an eye, you seem to be dead set on what you want and have ignored his needs and feelings completely. He's just plodded along playing his Xbox, and now you have your own home, your one step closer to your dream but you've pushed him further away, buy excluding him from it all.

Of course he went along with you when buying the house, and nodding in all the right places. I bet deep down he thought you'd have a lightbulb moment, pull out or have your offer refused. OR ask him to move in as he was clearly telling you he liked the house.

You may want a mortgage from being a teenager, that doesn't mean everyone else does. some people are happy renting a home their entire lives.

I admire your values of not wanting to move in together until married, but that's not very realistic in this day and age (yes a lot do it, but it's a big thing and I have heard many a story where it hasn't worked) I not saying it wouldn't work for you but it takes a particular kind of person for it to happen. To me, living together, sex, figuring it out as you go, are all natural progressions of a relationship. I can't understand why you want to put them on ice.

You practically did live together for 3 years. Your copping put on a technically buy saying it wasn't living together as you only paid 1/3rd bills. My hubby's was paying all the house related bills when we lived together before and after we got married. Does that mean we also weren't technically living together. I paid for food, holidays, clothing etc.

Perhaps when he asked for some rent, which sounded fair to me, you were using electric, gas, water etc. maybe you could have sat down and had a discussion about how neither of your houses were suitable for you both to live in full time together and maybe you should look for something that suited you as a couple. You already admitted that your flat was tiny, maybe he likes a bit of his own personal space.

It sounds to me like your now ex was perhaps hoping for you to ask him to move in and for you both to share the bills etc. and you didn't you just said he could "visit". He's Probably extremely hurt, he 's had you living commitment free at his place for 4 years, you go on about marriage, mortgages and kids, but it's all one sided and very self obsessed.

Ok so life may not be taking the exact path you have had planned out in your head for the last god knows how long but that's life, as my mum said to me one day "Life happens whilst your making plans"

I agree - why should he marry you BEFORE you have lived together. Once doing it officially it may be hell for you both, the honeymoon period quickly wears off and you both then have an easy escape of just moving put. marriage is a big commitment, to big a commitment to make without testing the water 1st as he could drive you to distraction and vice versa with all his habits. Although some will argue that a mortgage is the biggest commitment you can make, and you've just done that so why not show this guy the same.


What you have been doing is not living together. Living together is when you share and discuss everything then have subsequent stubborn head not biding arguments as you both want different colored wall paper and neither of you will budge etc.

Like you I also wanted the house, job, car, husband, kids, dog etc and all those things in the perfect order. Life took a different path and do you know what, I wouldn't change it for the world, I'm happy and have had and will continue to have an awesome adventure.

Even marriage isn't a guarantee to happiness, been there dine that, for some men a marriage certificate changes them into monsters overnight.

I should have listened to my mum when she said "if it ain't broke, don't fix it"

I tend to plan minimally and take things as they happen.

I hope you can talk to each other and work something out. 4 years is a long time to throw away because your not communicating your true feelings and listening to the other person feelings properly.

I don't believe he's an !!!! at all, he's a man and they rarely act appropriately, say what they mean, or admit their true feelings.

Ask him if he'll meet you for a chat in a neutral place, then TALK to each other. Preferably without trying to score points by saying things you don't mean.

FBaby

I do feel for you and can understand how you have heartbroken, however, I personally totally understand his position. For 3 years, you more or less lived at his flat, earning a good salary yet didn't pay contribute anything. You would have used the electricity and gas (which you wouldn't have been using at you place), so I think he was being quite considerate to not ask for anything for so long.

He then shows you he is committed enough to make the move official, but you don't want to give up your flat, supposedly because his is too small? Yet instead of discussing how you could rent something else together if there is indeed a real concern with space, you decide to go ahead and buy something of your own. That's a big statement in your relationship. You then make it clear that you would have to live together before you get married. More or less, you said to him that he would have to move to YOUR place rather than you moving to HIS place, despite having done so for free for years.

I'm sorry but if I were him, I would have started to question whether it was all about you and your needs rather than him. Saying that, I would expect there were more issues in the relationship that led to him deciding to end it. It is hard, especially when you are young and spend so much time together, but you've decided to go in different directions and he was right that there was no point in continuing to salvage the relationship under the circumstances.

CH27

Did you contribute anything when you lived with him? Did yo pay for the shopping or anything?

Did you actually ask him if he would move in with you if you bought a house or did you assume he would?

DUTR

bluenoseam wrote: »

Right, I've had it up to the eyeballs with tosh like this. Playing video games does not denote that anyone is a child, nor does it denote that someone is immature, it denotes that they have a valid way of relaxing which they find enjoyable!

(now that's off my chest)

This will be unpopular, but here's how it is, you sound like someone who's got it all figured out - which in itself isn't always bad, but from where I'm sitting it sends alarm bells ringing. You've been saving for a deposit since you were a teenager, you don't want to move in together until you're married, you see yourself growing old and having grandkids - those are things that some guys just don't want to hear in their 20's. I'll get flamed for pretty much all of this post, but ultimately it sounds like your BF was the type who wasn't looking to be married with kids at 30. Not like he wasn't dropping enough hints that was the case - just you didn't see them because judgement was clouded by emotion.

Look at the positives from here - you have your own place now, so you're already on the way to having the utopian image you want, just need to find someone who shares your views & goals.

Why should you get flamed for telling the truth?
I see a lot of posts about the bloke being a control freak, when often it is the author and a lot of the respondants that exhibit those traits, the BF is not just put on the planet for the good of the author and their wants. Like you say some things some people are just not interested in, and those that seek, should seek those that share the same outlook, not try to change somebody as in the long run, it just won't work.
Post #26 is also a valid reply, however if many want to tell the auther what they want to hear rather than what they need to know, carry on

bossymoo

Sounds like you wanted different things, enjoy your new home, and find someone who's more in tune with you.
X

BitterAndTwisted

Talking about not wanting to live together until you were getting married after living at his place for over three years is a total contradiction in my eyes.

I think what he meant by living together was living permanently in the same property and sharing the costs of same equally. Which you didn't, so I think you may have been inadvertently throwing out very mixed messages.

Now, you're going to buy a place on your own for which you patently didn't need his input or contribution, so he probably feels like an afterthought or an irrelevance to your future plans.

For the moment, unless this property really is your long-term ideal home, I'd be withdrawing that offer. Maybe once you've done that, he might be in a position to rethink his decision with some dignity.

Treevo

You moved into his flat and paid nothing (thus saving money by not having today much more than cheap rent on your flat) but refuse to move in 'properly' (you paying your way!) until you marry?! I'm not surprised he left you!